The Wild Wacky World of Wein

Nathan and Zoe celebrating the holidays

2007-02-11T22:42:00.000-05:00

The Revenge of Johnny Hater

2006-11-15T22:18:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone!

While I was once again doing nothing at school, I went downstairs to hand in the end of the quarter grades to the secretary that my student teacher filled in for me. It was a rather difficult walk to the main office because I had to walk with a cup of coffee with no top in one hand and my grades in the other. I was quietly concentrating on not spilling any coffee on myself and, more importantly, on my beautifully completed grade sheets (did I mention that my student teacher filled them out for me?). As I was doing the most work that I've done in several weeks, I entered the office and was promptly complimented by the head of guidance for my stylish hair. She said that my hair style was very cool (deep down inside I knew that she felt that my hair was absolutely sexy!). For that one brief moment in time, I felt like Justin Timberlake because I was bringing sexy back to Hillhouse High School, which, from what I've been told, hasn't been there since the early 80s when my former mentor shaved his Matthew McConaughey-like mustache from the movie Dazed and Confused. However, reality set in and my insecurities overwhelmed me so I decided to do what any well adjusted person would do when someone compliments them which is to ridicule them. I know that I can't bring sexy back but I can definitely bring the hate back. In honor of the head of guidance, I am going to bring the hate back by writing about all of the people that I hate:

1.) Anyone who watches Dancing with the Stars. Yeah, I said!! So, 26 million people watch it!! Like I am afraid of them. What are these people going to do to me? Dance all over me! Or would they constantly show pictures of Joey Lawrence's eye brows with his bald head? Actually, I think that would definitely scare the crap out of me. But, oh my god, can you believe that Emmitt Smith won? I am so glad that we won instead of that punk ass fool, Mario Lopez. Anyone who would cheat on the Doritos girl, Ali Landry, during the first year of marriage is not worthy of the Dancing with the Stars crown or that disco ball trophy.

2.) Anyone who wants entertainment "news" shows. Although I think people watch entertainment "news" shows like they do with car crashes. People don't want to watch the infotainment shows but they can't help to rubberneck when something interesting is on. However, let me state that I am so tired of the K-Fed and Britney divorce. I am so sick of the news of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes wedding in Italy. And, by far, I can't stand Mary Hart!! I hope Mary Hart follows the lead of Bob Barker and retire already. (Your random thought of the night is: who is older Mary Hart or Vanna White from Wheel of Fortune? Think about it. The answer is at the bottom of the email.)

3.) Anyone who constantly complains about people or corporations that are NOT saying Merry Christmas. Why do people argue about this every holiday season? Nearly 25% of the population in America do not celebrate Christmas. God forbid that we acknowledge these people by saying the very difficult words of "Happy Holidays". I realize that the extra syllable is difficult for some but go the extra mile during this holiday season by saying five syllables instead of four (just in case you are counting at home "Merry Christmas" - four syllables to the five in "Happy Holidays". Count out the syllables on your hand!)

4.) Anyone who has their Christmas shopping done already and is willing to tell you that they have done. Stop being the Christmas shopping nerd! These people are probably the same ones that did their homework right away when they got home from school instead of procrastinating like us, normal people. Don't rub it in our faces, Christmas shopping geeks!!!

5.) Or what about those people who say that they did their Christmas shopping over the internet instead of going to the mall. I don't care! Unless you shop for me over the internet, I really could care less.

6.) If you do go shopping for me, please DO NOT buy me croc shoes. I can't stand croc shoes. I have nothing against people who wear croc shoes (my lawyers told me to write this because I think I would lose a bunch of friends if I wrote that I hate people who wore croc shoes).

7.) Anyone who mentions Borat! I don't care if you like it. Nor do I care if you hated it. I am so over the Borat hype. Let me decide for myself when to watch the movie. Don't tell me that I MUST SEE this movie!! Or don't tell me that I shouldn't see this movie because it was so TERRIBLE!!

8.) Speaking of British comedians, I am so tired of people saying that the original comedy series in Britian is totally better than the ones in America. "The Office" in America is totally awesome. It's just as good as the original or dare, I say, better. In fact, on November 30th, Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant will be writing an episode for "The Office" in America. So, for those people reminiscenting about the glory days of "The Office", you can enjoy it on NBC on THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 30th at 8:30 which is right before the season premiere of SCRUBS, greatest show ever!!

9.) As always, anyone who write top ten lists!!

Peace, Love, and Hate,
-Johnny Hater

(The answer to the trivia question: Who is older Mary Hart or Vanna White? Mary Hart is older. She is 56 years old while Vanna is 49.)

Feigning Sadness

2006-11-15T22:13:00.000-05:00

It appears that my breaks between mass emails are getting longer and longer and longer. However, I think this time is a little more understandable. The reason for this unusually long break is because I've been terribly sad.

First, I've been sad because my birthday month is officially over! (Thanks for all of you who came to the BIGTIME BIRTHDAY BOWLING BASH! I truly appreciate it! And, sadly, I am starting to feel that I am getting to an age where gifts are no longer necessary. I think I am getting too old for gifts. Gifts are cute when you are young but not when you are over 30 unless you hit a landmark birthday like 40, 50, 60, etc.)

Secondly, and more importantly, I am becoming depressed because my buddy K-Fed is getting a divorce. If K-Fed and Britney can't survive, what marriage can? There is no point in getting married. I will be single with you, K-Fed, forever!! (This invitation is extended to Mr. Dave Navarro as well since I saw him at the Standard Hotel in LA with three ladies of the night after a Badly Drawn Boy concert! Single Brothas forever!!)

I am also really sad because the Republican Party lost control of both houses in Congress. Who will I invade Venezuela with? Mr. Hugo Chavez, I will be watching you until my other brotha, Rummy, is back into power as Secretary of Defense. Rumsfeld will rise again!! This is just act two as Secretary of Defense. Wait until the third act, the "Revenge of the Rumsfeld"!! Please, please, everyone, a moment of silence for Mr. Rumsfeld. (While everyone is quiet, I want everyone to think about the old KC and the Sunshine Band's classic "Please Don't Go" or the remixed version from the 90s by Double You.)

OK, staying with the political theme, let me express my sadness about not having Mr. Foley in the House of Representatives. Who will I send text messages to the congressional pages with? And, who will I spread hate with now that Rick Santorum is gone? How will I afford my next road trip with Badly Drawn Boy now that the corruption surrounding all of the congressional members with Jack Abramoff is being uncovered? I am going to have to keep all of my money in a refrigerator like Rep. William Jefferson (how in the world did he get the most votes in the election for the 2nd district in Louisiana?).

My sadness also extends to watching television. I feel like I am in withdrawal already because there aren't any political commercials on television. (...well, not, until next year!) I am shaking quite vigorously (and I am not pretending in the same way as Rush Limbaugh suggested of Michael J. Fox) like someone who just quit smoking cigarettes after a few days. I need to watch political commercials about how someone will raise your taxes or how you need to vote for a candidate with lot of political experience but I especially love the ending of the political commercials with "and I approve this message". How will I enjoy myself when I watch television?

I will be sad and depressed now when I watch television until THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 30th when Scrubs premieres at 9:00. Thursday nights will totally rock with the greatest comedy block since The Cosby Show, Family Ties, Cheers, and Night Court with the NBC schedule of My Name is Earl at 8:00, The Office at 8:30, Scrubs at 9:00, and 30 Rock at 9:30. Come on, people, tiVo or don't even bother to watch "Ugly Betty" (we get it, you are a sweet, ugly girl) or "Survivor" (do more dumb activities for a chance to win a million dollars) from 8-9 and then "Grey's Anatomy" (how many times can you watch sexy doctors make out?) or "CSI" (let me summarize every CSI episode, they find the killer at the end) or "The OC" (who cares about the OC when the main character is a cage fighter?). Don't watch ABC or CBS or FOX on Thursdays!!! Watch Scrubs and NBC on Thursdays starting on THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 30th.

I think my sadness has increased lately because I do absolutely nothing during the daytime. I am so completely bored since my student teacher has taken over most of my classes. My school days consist of me teaching one class, then drinking four cups of coffee for the rest of the day while talking to everyone at school and reading magazines (I learn a ton though from reading all of those magazines like Japan, which originated in 660 BC, has the second largest amount of McDonald's in the world with nearly 1,400 in their country). Speaking of Asia, I will be participating in a teacher exchange program for 10 days in China during my spring break. I am starting to think that the great city of New Haven no longer wants me to teach again (although I was just notified that I have tenure!!).

How in the world does someone like me get a trip to China through the Connecticut State Department of Education? I know... I am one lucky bastard. So, lucky, in fact, that I have to make up my own sadness. Hopefully, each of your upcoming days will be so good that you too will make up your own sadness.

Peace, Love, and Tears,
-John

The Sacrificers Part II

2006-08-15T00:47:00.000-04:00

Well, it didn’t take long for someone to complain that they were NOT included on “The Sacrificers List”. However, despite his complaints, Mr. Michael Bent rightfully deserves to be on the list of great sacrificers. He pointed out that he is cycling for 150 miles over two days on September 16th and 17th for MS instead of the puny amount of 100 miles that Mr. Joe DeMartino is doing on August 27th. Since Michael is cycling 50 more miles than Joe, I am replacing Joe DeMartino with Mr. Michael Bent on the Sacrificers List. Sorry Joe, you’ve been replaced by a better candidate (twice in the same month for the state of Connecticut).

Also, it didn’t take long for people to question my position on the list of great sacrificers. How DARE you question me about belonging on this list? However, to quash these critics’ remarks, I am going to further explain my sacrifices for the greater good of all humankind. As I previously stated in my last mass email, when I look bad you look marvelous. Looking bad is not a one person job! I need the help of my mother who continues to make pho (Vietnamese beef noodle soup) for me when I come home. My mom makes pho for my six year old niece, my four year old nephew, and yours truly (who is turning 31 on October 7th but will be celebrating his birthday at the BIGTIME BIRTHDAY BOWLING BASH on Saturday, October 14th at Bowlerland in Wallingford, CT). The beef is not only in my soup but on my plate. When I was in Montreal, my friends (Jo and Jason) and I ordered the meat platter which consists of nearly 20 pieces of MEAT (steak, sausage, lamb, pork chops, and Dick Cheney’s personal favorite “quail”). With all of this meat, my belly will be as perfectly round as a bowling ball when I throw my first ball at the Bigtime Birthday Bowling Bash on October 14th.

All of this meat is fun and games when you eat it with pants that have an elastic waist band. However, today will not be fun at all since I will have to wear pants for the first time this summer vacation in order to look presentable as I train the new teachers for the great city of New Haven. There will be a lot of heavy breathing, ok more deep breaths, this morning as I try on many pants that fit perfectly well in January but are getting more and more difficult to wear as each day ends. With my tight pants, I think people who walk around me today should be very careful because if I sneeze the wrong way, my top button from my pants may pop off and take someone’s eye out. Although if none of my pants fit, I may have to disregard the top button and simply pull out my shirt a little more and tie a really long tie so no one can tell that my top button is not buttoned. I am already anticipating getting out of my pants around 4 o’clock today. People boating on the Long Island Sound this afternoon will feel a mighty breeze as I exhale after taking off my pants. Not only have I sacrificed for you all who are my family and friends but I am also sacrificing for all of the new teachers in the great city of New Haven.

And my bodily sacrifice does not end with my belly!! It goes all the way to the top of my beautiful, brilliant head. Since I will be heading to the West Coast via Northwest Airlines to greet my adoring fans, I will no longer be able to bring my L’Oreal Paris Studioline Mega Hold Mega Gel (yes MEGA is listed twice on this product) for ultimate control and definition for my amazingly spiked ski sloped hair. Without my MEGA hold gel, my hair will be lifeless and limp just like a viagraless Rush Limbaugh. Anyone’s hair will look stunning when you stand next to me without gel in public. If you walk around with me, I will be the “before” picture and you will be the “after”. I do all of this because I love you all. How else could you explain why someone would want to look like an overweight, fur ball head? I am the Asian Wimpy from Popeye with the round belly and tiny head but instead of the hat I have a fur ball head. And just like Mr. J. Wellington Wimpy, I love the hamburgers especially "White Castle" on the east coast, "Five Guys" in DC, "Fuddruckers" in the South, and "In and Out" on the west coast. So, get those "In and Out" burgers ready for me when I head west this week.

More sacrifices for you wonderful people,
-John

The Sacrificer

2006-08-14T02:31:00.000-04:00

Hello My Peeps,

My little six year old niece is too brilliant for her own good. Last Friday, she was playing with her toy in the backseat of the car. My sister asked her what the name of her group would be. My niece responded that her group would be called "The United Sacrificers of the Universe". I looked at my sister and laughed. I asked my sister where her daughter learns her vocabulary and if she even knew what the word "sacrificers" meant. My niece overheard the conversation between my sister and I and responded "not to kill someone but to give something up". How in the world does my little six year old niece know both definitions to the word sacrifice? I honestly wish I could be as smart as my little niece!!

So, in honor of my little six year old niece, I am going to write about some amazing people who sacrifice for the greater good of all people. Now, normally I do not write the first and last name of someone but I am going to break with my mass email tradition here because my friends are literally saving the world. Late Saturday night, I received my first real email from Africa (besides all of those stupid emails asking for money to save someone) from my friend, Dr. Michael Mancenido. My elementary school friend, Dr. Michael Mancenido, is in Ethiopia helping HIV patients. How freaking awesome is that? Right now, I am sitting at my house eating Cheetos and watching baseball while my friend is in Ethiopia helping HIV patients.

Another one of my friends, Mr Joe DeMartino, is training for the 100-mile portion of the 2006 Connecticut Challenge cycling event on August 27th. 100 MILES!!!!! I nearly died riding 40 miles a few years ago in Cape Cod. My man is cycling for the creation of a cancer Survivorship Clinic at Yale Cancer Center. So far, he has raised $1,095 with a goal of $5,000. I've already donated but if you have a few extra bucks, then help my man out. If you would like to contribue, then go to his website, http://ctchallenge.org.kintera.org/jdemartino/?faf=1&e=695116774 . Help my man ride with some coinage in his pockets.

And, of course, the person making the biggest sacrifice in the world is yours truly!! Now, you maybe thinking to yourself, "how in the world is John sacrificing more for the greater good of all humans (especially when you take into account the greatness of Dr. Mancenido and Mr. DeMartino)?" Well, I have taken it upon myself to make my friends look really attractive. I've figured out that if I look unattractive, then my friends will look even better. I learned this lesson when I was walking on the streets of Montreal. My friend Jason and I were talking in front while my buddy Jo was walking behind us. While we were walking, all of the women of Montreal would look away in utter disgust or look down like I was a hideous beast but as they walked by us they would take a quick glance at Jo, the Asian Johnny Depp.

Although Jo's girlfriend is offended by the Johnny Depp comparison (she is offended because she thinks that Jo is no where near as hot as Johnny Depp), my buddy, Jo, really does look like Johnny Depp especially when he walks next to me. The reason being is that I have sacrificed the amazing condition of my body (remember, I was an athlete!). It is extremely difficult to eat all of those Cheetos and #7s from Burger King. Do you know how difficult it is to be fat and eat fast food in your car while you are driving? You get some of the most evil looks in the world. They give you that stare of revulsion and think to themselves "Damn, can you ever stop eating for once? Get a room so I don't have to watch you stuff your face in broad daylight. Boy, I honestly hope I don't look like that when I eat in my car!" (Later that day, this person orders a salad to avoid being with like me in hopes of erasing that horrible image of me eating in my car).

So, please, please, no autographs! I am a modest man. I do not need a pat on the back (or the belly) to make myself feel good. The very thought of you looking marvelous is thank you enough. It is a satisfying feeling to know that I hang with such a beautiful crowd. I am going to sit back and relax in my elastic waist band tennis shorts while watching some baseball and eating some delicious cheese puffs. Good night and good luck, beautiful people of the world!!

Yours truly,

-The Greatest Sacrificer

My apologies

2006-08-03T03:17:00.000-04:00

Hello Everyone!

First, I would like to apologize for my last mass email. Many people were totally grossed out by the last mass email because it mentioned how I cramped up once while having sex. The mere thought of me having sex is a very troubling image for some, especially my wonderful sister. For her, the thought of me having sex is equivalent to walking in on someone in the bathroom while they are doing a "number two".

For my second apology, I would like to apologize in advance the upcoming avalanche of mass emails about the month of October on the following topics: (1) THE BIGTIME BIRTHDAY BOWLING BASH will be on Saturday, October 14th in Wallingford, CT at Bowlerland starting at 8. You have two months to practice your bowling skills. I am ironing my bowling shirt as I type!! For the novice bowlers, we are going to have the bumpers up for you and you can bowl with my little niece and nephew. Start to spread the word! People are always welcomed to sleep over with advance notice to Tammi and Jeff. (2) Badly Drawn Boy's fifth album, "Born in the UK" will be released on October 23rd. (3) The DVD of the 4th season of Scrubs, world's greatest television show, will be out on October 10th. With these great events happening in the month of October, it only proves that October is the best month of the year!! GO OCTOBER!!!

I would like to apologize to the children of New Haven since the 12th grade Social Studies Civics curriculum was written by yours truly. I am a little embarrassed that the city of New Haven doesn't have a qualified person to write curriculum especially when the half year course was 101 pages long and the full year course was 123 pages. What is the city of New Haven thinking leaving the bulk of the work in the hands of a mad, midnight mass emailing like myself? While I am writing about education, I suppose I should also apologize to the upcoming class of new Social Studies teachers for the City of New Haven because your training in the new curriculum will be conducted by me on August 15th. Yes, Nicolle, the state of education in New Haven is in bad shape! (Good luck missy in the golden state of California!!)

I can't believe I wrote over 200+ pages on education standards and its corresponding lessons which is about the same length as all of my mass emails combined. And if you think about it, the educational standards are probably as boring as some of my mass emails. I hated writing curriculum so much in the summer that I started to reread some of my earlier mass emails. Sad to say that I enjoyed the earlier mass emails because they were somewhat funnier, observational writing pieces while today my mass emails are nothing more than details of my latest odd travels (this month of mass emails will involve misadventures in Maine, New York City, Montreal, California, and lastly Seattle where I get to see Badly Drawn Boy perform his latest stuff from his upcoming album "Born in the UK" which is going to be released on October 23rd [see the 2nd apology]).

Since I will be in Maine, New York City, Montreal, California, Seattle, and the great state of Connecticut for the month of August, I am going to eat out a lot. Let me apologize for past orders and in advance for ordering a salad. Let me officially state for the record that I am not ordering a salad to be healthy! I am simply ordering a salad because I just want to eat something fresh in this unbearable heat. I've already been ordering a salad a bunch of times for the past couple of weeks and I've been getting the most frightful looks from people at the table. I just want to whisper my order to the waiter or write it down on a piece of paper so no one can hear that I am ordering a salad. I feel so ashamed to be ordering a salad especially since I am such a huge fan of any sanctioned event from the International Federation of Competitive Eating, which governs the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island every 4th of July.

I should also apologize to vegetarians because you guys don't want the likes of me on your side. These people are usually thin and attractive people and hate pretend vegetarians like myself. I feel like those college girls who "experiment" with other girls because it is fun but have no real intention of staying on that team. You know "LUGs" which means to be a "lesbian until graduation". Maybe I should call myself a "VUS" meaning "vegetarian until September".

In this heat, I think I should apologize to the other highway drivers because my car will be going slower than normal. If I have the a/c on, my car drives really slow. If I want to go "turbo", I turn off the a/c and my old Hyundai Elantra will go up to 70 mph without shaking. After 70 mph, I feel like I am driving a push lawn mower.

Last but not least, I MUST and I say DEFINITELY MUST APOLOGIZE for driving drunk and stating that Jews start all wars. Oh wait... that's not me! For a moment, with all of the media coverage I thought I was Mel Gibson. Hello Mel, this is Tom Cruise. Welcome to the Hollywood Crazy Club!!

With all apologies,
Mr. John Nguyen
OCTOBER 14th, Saturday, BIGTIME BIRTHDAY BOWLING BASH!!!!!

Cosmo Kramper

2006-07-17T06:06:00.000-04:00

Welcome to another addition of the Wacky World of Wein!!

I grew up in a cluttered home. My whole family loves to collect things. However, since I like to travel and move around a lot, I don't collect things but people and, especially, their stories (which is probably why my blog is over 200 pages long with an email group of over 80 people!). My weekend was another fruitful adventure filled with great people and wonderful stories.

This past weekend begins in a quaint town named Scotch Plains, NJ (this is not where scotch tape was invented!! FYI: Scotch tape was created by Richard Drew in 1930 for 3M located in St. Paul, MN, whom should not be confused with African American doctor, Charles Richard Drew, who did research on blood plasma and set up the first blood bank.). The reason for this great gathering in Scotch Plains, NJ was the 6th Annual Sloshball game (the first known game of "Sloshball" was in the early 1980s in Boulder, CO. Yes, the internet is an amazing tool of information!!). For those of you who don't know what sloshball is, it combines two great things in the world: softball and beer!! Rules are the same as softball, except that when you reach second base, you must finish a beer from the keg to advance to another base.

Now, when I first got to sloshball, I wasn't thrilled to be there because I wanted to go to the Siren Music Festival at Coney Island (I would personally like to thank everyone who thought of me when they watched the 91st edition of the Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest on the 4th of July. Those who watched weren't disappointed this year with "The Tsunami" winning by a dog and three quarters.). However, the organizer (my new favorite friend-DENNIS) won me over when I saw the t-shirts for sloshball. The t-shirts had the official emblem for sloshball with the date on the front of the shirt and actual numbers on the back. The blue shirts were for the home team (people originally from Scotch Plains, NJ) while the red shirts were designated for the out-of-towners. The great organization did not end there! They had someone drive about one hour to Bensonhurst, NY for pizza. And, of course, we had a steady supply of beer. With organization like this, my heart was in Scotch Plains, NJ and not in Coney Island!

With the rising temperature of the afternoon heat, I wanted to bat first so I can go to second base and get a beer because I was so thirsty. Now, to be completly honest with you, I am not a big drinker!! However, things changed for sloshball!! I guess when it comes to sloshball I wanted to relive the glory of my church softball days by running around the bases as much as I can. Once I started to run, I was a crazed lunatic. I slide into home after chugging my second beer. I dove head first for balls completely out of my reach in the outfield. When I was the first baseman, I lunged for balls. I even started to run around in circles in the outfield just for kicks. OK, I think that last one had less to do with reliving church softball games as it did with drinking a ton since I scored a bunch of times for my team. We drank so much that we actually thought we could do our best impersonation of Ernie Banks by playing two games (for those of you keeping score at home, we actually played one and a half games).

After the one and a half games of sloshball, we headed back to Dennis' house for some more food, drinks, desserts, swimming, and games. I wanted to jump into the pool because I was so hot and sweaty but, in true John fashion, I cramped up AGAIN!! Now, for those of you who don't know, I have a long history of cramping which probably goes back some 20 years. I think my first cramping episode started in 1984 when I first played soccer (What a crazy World Cup! Favorite moment was watching England lose to Portugal. I love watching them lose!! The English whine as much as the Red Sox did before they won the "World" Series.).

In honor of my most recent cramping episode, I am going to do a top five moments of cramping list.

DISCLAIMER: BEFORE YOU READ THIS LIST, YOU MUST REALIZE THAT I AM GIVING YOU A WARNING! DO NOT READ THIS LIST IF YOU DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT WANT TO VISUALIZE THE WORST MOMENT IN MY CRAMPING HISTORY. STOP NOW!!
OK, for those of you who are brave enough to read, here is my five worst moments in cramping:

5.) I am glad that I cramped up at Sloshball before I jumping into a pool because I once jumped into a pool in my freshman year in high school and cramped up. I nearly drowned because when I cramp I usually curl up in the fetal position. I thankfully was near the edge of the pool. If I was in the middle of the pool, I could have been a goner!!

4.) Playing tennis my senior year in high school. I won the first set and was on serve late in the second set when I cramped and fell to the court in pain. I had to forfeit the match! (Besides sloshball this weekend, I played tennis and lost my second set ever to Jason! My days of competitive tennis are long gone!!)

3.) In most cases, my right calf cramps up. However, about two years ago, my neck cramped up for the first time in my life. Since my days of playing sports are long gone, I actually cramped up while stretching in my bed. This was a very sad moment!! I was actually doing nothing and hurt myself!!

2.) Number two on the list happened in June 1989 when I was at a graduation party at Michael Mancenido's house. We were playing basketball and I cramped up while attempting a lay-up. As I cramped up, I feel straight to the ground on my side. I swore up a monster of a storm. Every other word was an obscentity which was preceded by the word "oh" over and over again. That by itself isn't bad but to have a nun, not just any nun but the principal, help me when I was swearing up a storm is a little bit embarrassing.

1.) (Stop reading if you don't want to get disgusted! Turn your head! Don't do it!! I am giving you enough warning now! OK, if you continue to read this and send me an email of utter disgust, then it's on you because I've given you plenty of warning now!!)

NUMBER ONE as predicted by the one and only Michael Bent back in high school when he told me that I would probably have sex once and would cramp up then. His prediction became true one night when I got off my bed and fell to the floor as my stomach cramped up!! This was so embarrassing for me!!! (I think this could be perceived as a major achievement for the other person who could claim that she was so good that she made a guy cramp up and keel over in pain!)

Anyways, there you have it! Another addition of the "Wacky World of Wein" completed!! I hope you all have a better week than I do since I am going hate every moment of the next two weeks writing curriculum and the corresponding lesson plans for the great city of New Haven!!
Peace and Love especially without cramping,

-John

FIRSTS AND TENS

2006-06-26T04:18:00.000-04:00

Today, on my FIRST day of my summer vacation, I am going to write lesson plans that align with the new Social Studies curriculum for the great city of New Haven. Honestly, I am dreading every moment especially since I am so exhausted today!! However, the case of the "Mondays" are usually a little more tolerable when you have an awesome weekend to look back at and this weekend was definitely one of those memorable weekends that I won't forget.

I went to Harrisburg, PA for the FIRST time for my friend's wedding. I've known my friend for exactly TEN years when I worked as a camp counselor for the FIRST time at Camp Kennybrook in Monticello, NY (Yes, Tom and Sammy, I've known you guys for TEN years as well!!). Like many weddings recently, I've given another toast which is probably my TENTH speech to a large group. I think my beginnings as the 'toastmaster extraordinaire' started at Camp Kennybrook when I was a Color War General and Olympic captain. During Color War and the Camp Olympics, I had to make speeches to encourage the campers to destroy the other teams. I was like a Vietnamese version of Sir William Wallace aka Braveheart. I would quote literary classics like "The Smurfs", "The Snorks", and "Seinfeld" to galvanize my young followers. I led my team to victory in the Olympics. However, like any great leader in history- Alexander, Napolean, Genghis Khan, etc., they eventually meet their demise and Color War was my Waterloo. Luckily, I was able to recover from my defeat at Color War and begin a new career as an inspirational speaker but, now, as a kinder and gentler version of Braveheart. (If you want to read the latest 'kinder and gentler' speech, then click here)

Now, back to my weekend at the wedding, this wedding was not your traditional wedding. FIRST of all, instead of having the wedding couple leave the reception FIRST in a moment of triumph, the wedding couple was the last to leave the reception area because all of their guests jumped into the family pool. This was the FIRST time that I've ever jumped into a pool at a wedding with my clothes on (shoes included). After seeing me jump in the pool with my shoes on, my buddy Jo decided to take his shoes and belt off before jumping into the pool. However, he forgot to remove his cellphone, wallet, cigarettes, and lighter from his pants. Needless to say, his utter stupidity will go down in wedding folklore (the story will go like "I know this one guy at a wedding who...). That was definitely the FIRST time that I've ever saw a guy jump into a pool with a cellphone. Also, I never saw women at a wedding jump into a pool with their dresses on. Those women were troopers for the good of the party. The woman that married the couple was the FIRST to jump into the pool. I was the FIRST guy into the pool, cannonball style of course.
The warm waters were especially comforting for me because I was a little stressed being the deejay at the wedding. Not only was this the FIRST time that I ever deejayed a wedding but this was the FIRST time that I've ever deejayed anything in my life. But, I suppose everything went alright. Obviously, I am no professional so I made a few mistakes with mixing some songs together and messed up one song at the end because I had already played in earlier in the evening. However, my two highlights deejaying for the night were: 1) quickly selecting the final song "Let Go Crazy" by Prince before the wedding guests jumped into the pool and 2.) more importantly, telling the groom that the Humpty Dance wouldn't work at that moment because it would have been a dramatic swing in the tone of music. He wanted no part of that talk and pulled the "groom card" on me and I played it immediately because it was his night. When the song came on, the dance floor cleared and he was the ONLY ONE dancing. Once again, I was right and he was wrong!!

Also, this was the FIRST time that I've spent the wedding night with the wedding couple in honeymoon hotel suite. Many people would probably think that this wedding couple was crazy for having the wedding guests (we towelled off by then) spending time with them in their honeymoon suite. However, I think this shows how much the wedding couple cares about their guests (to be honest, I think it was the bride's idea as suppose to the groom) because they wanted more time with their close friends instead of the quick chit chat at the reception bouncing from table to table. In another unprecedented move, the wedding guests and the wedding couple took photos on their bed. That was definitely the FIRST time I was on a wedding couple's bed in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. With nearly TEN people on their bed, I felt like a swinger, BABY!!

What a way to spend your first wedding night together as a couple!! I honestly hope that Jason and Monica's marriage will be as smooth as their FIRST night of marriage.

In TEN years, I hope Jason and Monica are in Montreal and Quebec City celebrating their TENTH wedding anniversary like my friends Jack and Michelle are doing this week.
CONGRATS to two amazing couples!!!!!

Peace and Love,
-John

Another Wedding Toast

2006-06-26T04:00:00.000-04:00

Well, this is what I wrote for the toast but I am sure that I didn't follow it word for word.

----------------------------------------------------

I would like to thank Monica and Jason for the honor of allowing me the opportunity to make a toast at their beautiful wedding. I suppose I should begin this toast with the time that I first met Jason which was exactly 10 years ago at Camp Kennybrook in Monticello, NY. Actually, the first time that I saw Jason, we didn’t really meet. I was in my bunk taking care of the campers while I noticed this strangling counselor on his way to his bunk. As he walked through the basketball courts, he noticed a few basketballs lying around and he looked around to see if anyone was watching. After he thought no one was watching, he picked up the basketball and attempted a shot. He threw up the saddest looking airball. Embarrassed by his poor athletic ability, he sheepishly walked back to his bunk hoping that no one would see his feeble shot. Much to his chagrin, I saw this pathetic attempt and immediately felt like this dude needed some friends. He was in such a sorry state at camp that I quickly became his life coach: helping him with his tennis game, his love life, and music taste.

I soon realized that I was a terrible life coach because I could not help the helpless. I could not improve his tennis abilities even though I whipped him numerous times at camp. I could not help his love life either since he would often try to woo some of the female counselors with a ring pop. And, I could NEVER really help his poor music preferences which was most evident on the 4th of July in 1996. We were both in his red Pontiac Grand Am listening to Harrisburg's own Poison’s “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn” because yet, again, another girl had rejected him. The song is bad enough however Jason likes to make a bad thing even worse by singing along. There are two bad things about Jason’s singing ability: 1) he thinks he is a good singer very much similar to those delusional singers in American Idol tryouts; 2) if Jason doesn’t know the words, then he’ll make them up. Inevitably, Jason’s singing becomes loud mumble jumble with some off key humming thrown in.

You would think that one night of Jason’s singing would scar anyone for life. Well, imagine the emotional damage when one would take long driving trips with Jason to Boston, Philadelphia, and, most notably, to Montreal. Jason and I have been to Montreal numerous times. He’s been there so many times, in fact, that he is convinced that he’s been to Montreal with Monica. However, Monica vehemently denies ever going to Montreal with Jason.

Now, when most people hear that a bunch of guys are heading to Montreal for the weekend they think that they'll enjoy the seedy side of Montreal. Let me state for the record, that Jason and I and now Jo have never participated in any of these activities in Montreal. Actually, when we go to Montreal, we simply eat like kings, do a little shopping, and enjoy a beverage or two at local establishments. When we are at these local establishments, Jason and I can talk for hours and hours about anything. During one exchange, Jason threw me for a loop when he started to talk about Monica in way that you knew he was serious about the relationship. So, I had to ask what the one question that guys have to ask, "is she the one?". He nodded and again I had to respond in the stereotypical guy way which was "NO WAY!". But deep down inside I was truly happy for Jason and I definitely knew that Jason was truly serious about Monica because the very next day instead of going to another local establishment, we went to a few jewelers to look at some rings. While we were walking there, he started to explain the design of the ring which is the very same design that she wore for the last year and half. You could tell that he was excited to be in love. Now, it is true that Monica and Jason have never physically been in Montreal together but I swear on that day when Jason was talking about his love for Monica and the design for the ring, Monica was spiritually with Jason which would explain why Jason is so convinced that they were in Montreal together and if you could hear him on that day you would absolutely believe that indeed they were in Montreal together too.

So, let’s us raise our glasses to Monica and Jason, may your love always be at the same place at the same time especially when you go to Montreal!!

Lessons from School - Part II

2006-06-19T02:27:00.000-04:00

Hello my World Cup Compadres,
I think it is time to revisit an old mass email "Lessons from School". Since I've been inspired by "Clerks II" coming out July 21, I am going to write a sequel to my mass email "Lessons from School" from June 2003. (Click here if you would like to reread a mediocre mass email: http://wackyworldofwein.blogspot.com/2006/01/lessons-from-school-june-2003.html) Here are some of the lessons that I've learned from the 2005-2006 school year:

1.) After being on the city-wide curriculum writing team, city-wide assessment writing team, department data collection team leader, and the school-wide curriculum accreditation team, I realized that there is NO WAY that I ever want to become an administrator. I do not have enough patience to deal with teachers on a day-to-day basis while still teaching students. Teaching teachers is much, much worse than dealing with students. I am so sick and tired of insecure teachers. Some are power crazy while others are just crazy!! One crazy teacher hasn't shown up to school since November!! And the other crazy teacher in my department is upset at me because I am not spending enough time with HIM!! He thinks it is because he is old but the real reason why I am not hanging out with him is because he is soooooo freaking annoying. He constantly complains about anything and anyone at school. He's been complaining so much about me not spending enough time with him after school that my buddy Jack has felt sorry for him and started to hang out with him even though he can't really stand him.

2.) Although crazy is not limited to the teachers!! Someone from school security or the secretarial staff had called the police department and told them, "OFFICER DOWN!". Now, what they meant to say was that an OFFICER FELL DOWN in the cafeteria during a fight. However, with our school's reputation, all of New Haven's finest came to school thinking that an officer was down. The police department was in riot gear and our school was in lockdown for about 30 minutes or so. Not so good!!

3.) Times like that, I'm really not thrilled about the cops! However, on the last day of school with students, I was pretty happy that there were a bunch of cops located outside the school to keep the peace. They happened to be near my car which was so fortunate that day since one member of what we call "The Jamaican Mafia" stared at me for a long time when I left my car. I didn't feel too comfortable leaving my car that day but then again I do own a Hyundai so what damage could they do to my crappy car?

4.) I've always known that I own a crappy car but it was definitely reaffirmed this school year when my car keys were stolen in class. For the past couple of years, teachers have had their cars stolen by students but since my car is so crappy the student(s) that stole my car keys realized that it probably wasn't worth it!! Actually, I secretly want my students to steal my car so I can have a reason to get a new car.

5.) One of the more funnier moments this year was when one of my students told a group of her friends that she was moving OHIO. Another girl who obviously wasn't paying attention asked, "You getting HIGH yo!". I couldn't help but crack up in class.

6.) Another thing that I learned was PLEASE do not fight at a STOP THE VIOLENCE assembly! A major fight broke out at the assembly which started the violence in the neighborhood for the next couple of days. There were two shootings following that assembly in retaliation of the big fight that broke out. This was not a great moment for our school.

7.) You have your "ups" and "downs" at school. For a sad "down" like the assembly, the biggest "up" this year was obviously the tennis team (of course, you all should know this since I wrote this in the last mass email but it is sooo good that I want to write about it again). We got our first victory! We got a student to the state tournament although he never went because of his college orientation. The same student was also named to the all division team. Super awesome!! We celebrated with pizza and chicken nuggets. Is there a better victory meal than that?

8.) After educating my students about tennis, I've gotten a group of them to pay attention to the World Cup. We were able to watch the opening match with Germany-Costa Rica when I was able to convince my librarian to change one of the school wide television channels to the World Cup. Also, I was able to have my students finish their exams a little early so we can see the noon matches. Catch World Cup Fever!! GO USA!! GO USA!! GO USA!!! (We were robbed against the Italians!! The refs were bribed by the same people who did all of the illegal activities in the Italian league this past soccer season.)

9.) I never realized that being so blatantly objectified felt so good. When the yearbooks came out a few weeks ago, my female students were talking about the "hottest male teachers" at school. The group decided on an English teacher and myself!! I couldn't help but overhear them and then I lobbied for "hottest teacher" by pointing out to them that the English teacher has recently had a baby and for the past couple of months has not looked so pretty. The female students acknowledged my point and anointed me the "hottest teacher" in school.

10.) The biggest thing that I've learned this school year is NOT TO GET YOUR CELLPHONE STOLEN. Now, this story didn't happen to me but it is definitely a true story!! My roommate who is a teacher in New Haven got her cellphone stolen in class. The student who stole the phone called the police and said that she was raped!! So, the state police went to my place (thankfully, I was NOT there!!!!) and questioned my other roommate and landlord, Jeff. Poor Jeff had to deal with the crazy police with a horrible prank from those ignorant middle school children. I can't wait to teach these fools in a couple of years!!

Well, those are some of the lessons that I've learned this school year of 2005-2006.
Peace and Love,
-The Hottest Teacher at Hillhouse High School
http://wackyworldofwein.blogspot.com/

WALL OF FAME

2006-06-19T02:26:00.000-04:00

Another weekend, another trip!! Since my New Orleans trip a few months ago, I've headed to New York City a bunch of times for my friend's wedding stuff and the last taping of the Chappelle show, Asbury Park, NJ for a Springsteen Concert, Boston to see family and friends, Atlantic City for a bachelor party, Easter in Montreal, Washington DC to see a concert and some friends, and the family wedding in Miami!! So, needless to say, I haven't been in the great state of Connecticut that much to hang out at home or to get some free grub at my parents' place. The last time I was at my parents' house I noticed that my dad had recently put up all of his IBM awards and his 2 patents. After mockingly laughing with my sister at my father's boastful ways, I started to appreciate the coolness of hanging such awards up on the wall. It is quite impressive to have all of those weird awards from IBM (they are weird because everytime my father does something good at IBM, he enters the next PLATEAU) and especially the two patents on the wall. I know I would never be capable enough to invent anything that would get me a patent. So, major props to my pops!!

Now, my buddy, Jack, has a hallway filled with a ton of photos with him and famous people as well as other significant moments with family and friends (for the record, I am on the wall twice!). He has named this area "THE WALL OF FAME". After seeing Jack's place a bunch of times and recently seeing my father's hallway, I've been thinking what would be on my "WALL OF FAME". I would suppose that I could put on the wall my brushes with celebrities.

Here are my top FIVE Brushes with Celebrities:

1.) I will have to go with the obvious one here with President Clinton at the White House along with Bonnie Hunt, Marisa Tomei, and Norman Jewison. I suppose the funniest moment was when I started to make fun of Al Gore with his cast on from a basketball injury and Clinton over heard me and started to laugh with me. This moment was captured by the New York Times!

2.) Instead of doing the obvious musical celebrity here with Damon from Badly Drawn Boy, I am going to go with another one of my favorite musicians Michael Franti from Spearhead but I think the place that I met him was rather significant which was at the Republican Convention protests in NYC. Photo taken by Jack! Thanks Jack!!

3.) Getting my picture taken with the former American Hot Dog Eating Champion, Ed "Cookie" Jervis as well as the International Trophy for Nathan's Hot Dog Eating. Thank Annie and Dave for the photo. (This year's Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Championship should be rather interesting because American Joey Chestnut set a new American record with 50 hot dogs in 12 minutes. It looks like Kobayashi has competition this 4th of July!!)

4.) Nearly getting run over my Itzhak Perlman's wheelchair at the South and Something for Rockets show at the Bowery Ballroom. His son is the lead singer to Something for Rockets and he totally rocks!! No photo taken. I wish I had a better camera phone!!

5.) Having Beetlejuice from the Howard Stern show yell at me at the Newark Airport saying "you know you know me" over and over again. Of course, I ignored him but yes he was right!! Couldn't take photo here but I wish I did since it would have been one helluva good story.

TOP FIVE CELEBRITIES THAT I WOULD LIKE TO MEET:

1.) Oprah. I don't really want to meet her but I would like to meet her so I could rub it in my sister's face who absolutely loves her. Yes, I know I'm evil but don't feel bad for her since she won't even read this far down in my mass email.

2.) Jeremy Piven from the show Entourage (season premiere June 11th on HBO) and most of John Cusack films. He especially rocks after heading to India for a travel channel special.

3.) Craig Ferguson from the Late Late Show. He is quietly more entertaining than the great Conan O'Brien (I never thought that I would write that!).

4.) Donald Faison from Scrubs (renewed for another season!! Thank goodness!!)

5.) For Asian American Heritage Month, I am going to select Ben Fong-Torres. Crazy cool dude who was with the magazine Rolling Stone when it was really cool. Currently, reading his awesome book Rice Room (not because it is Asian American Heritage Month but because it is a damn good book!!).

Although it is cool to meet celebrities and put them on the WALL OF FAME, I think my wall should be devoted to moments that you can always share with the people that matter the most - family and friends. So, I suppose the celebrities would have their own tiny place on my wall but I would reserve more places for great moments like Bigtime Birthday Bowling Bashes (which is 130 days away) as well as any other birthday celebrations (from 1 to 100 and everything in between. Olivia is turning ONE in June, hooray!!), crazy family/friends weddings, going to retirement parties, seeing new babies, attending graduations, finishing first at trivia night, sneaking underaged cousins to bars in South Beach, watching great concerts with friends, or just having a great meal with some wonderful people (looking at my belly you can tell that I've been eating with a ton of amazing people lately).

With all of the great moments that happened in May 2006, I think the first thing that I would put up on my WALL OF FAME would be a picture of this year's Hillhouse tennis team because "MY TENNIS TEAM WON THEIR FIRST MATCH SINCE I'VE BEEN COACH!!" It was my first victory in 30 tries as head coach (40 in total if you include my time as assistant). Although if they lost last week, I don't really care because this team has been very special. They are so nice to each other and they are a fun bunch to be around. It is extra bonus that they won a match this season, my #1 singles qualified for the state tournament, and that he was also named to the All-Division team for the league. Pretty cool!!

I suppose the biggest thing about the WALL OF FAME is taking time out and enjoying the big and little moments in life because in the end it is all we've got.

Peace and Love,
-John

The Priesthood

2006-05-22T03:07:00.000-04:00

I think I probably went on my last plane trip with my parents. I haven't been on a plane trip with my folks since the late 80s or early 90s, possibly to California. This past weekend's trip to Miami seemed like it took FOREVER especially when I driving with them from the hotel to the church for my cousin's wedding rehearsal. As we drove past the Da Vinci Code protesters, my parents started to talk about religion and priests. Then they suggested that I should be a priest since they believe that I have no possibility of getting married. My parents started to reminiscence about how the priests at my catholic elementary school suggested that I should join the priesthood. My "charming" parents continued by quoting my main reason for not becoming a priest from way back in 1989 which was, "I wanted to get married". They reasoned that if I do not want to get married, then I should become a priest!! Yeah, my parents are absolutely crazy and this torture lasted for about 30 minutes!!

Don't my parents realize that the only times that I go to church are for marriages and funerals (I don't even go during holidays now). And I am debating whether or not I should continue to go to weddings at catholic churches any more since I get some of the most condescending looks from the people who receive communion while I am sitting at my pew with the other non believers. Besides the condescending looks, it is really uncomfortable sitting at the pews during communion because you have to scrunch up so the ones who are receiving communion can pass by but you can't lean back all the way because there will be people behind you kneeling in prayer. You have to sit a litte forward on the pew until the priest sits back down on the altar (the ones who sit back before the priest sits down are NOT following the rules of receiving communion!!) and then everyone else in the church sits back in their pews. The feeling of quickly sliding back in the wooden pews just after kneeling during communion is probably one of the best feelings for non-believers (I suppose for some of the not-so-hard core believers too) because you know the end is near. You start to think:

NO MORE damning looks during communion!

NO MORE wondering if my hands are clammy right before the hand shake for the sign of peace.
NO MORE trying to mouth words during the responsorial psalm or songs.

NO MORE trying to listen or look thoughtful during the homily or readings.

NO MORE wondering if I need to hold hands or lift palms up or just stand there during the Lord's Prayer (the "Our Father" for the non-believers).

NO MORE sitting up and down wondering whether or not I are doing the right thing!! (This is sometimes tricky for me since I am usually sitting in the front row because I am in the wedding party!)

NO MORE wasting useless prayers like "I wish my team wins today or I hope I can get make it home to watch something on television or I hope someone calls me tonight" during the "Lord Hear Our Prayer" part of mass.

NO MORE time thinking about what I need to do for the rest of the week or for the wedding that day which usually involves making a toast (if you want to check out this past weekend's toast, then go to the Miami Toast blog right below).

You know, I must admit that the craziest thing about the whole priest-marriage debate is that my mom and dad know that I am currently dating someone. I suppose my parents think that I am not marriage material which is why they want my "backup" plan to be the priesthood. Could you all imagine me as a priest? How would it sound if I end my mass emails with:

Go in peace to love and serve the Lord,

-Father John

The Miami Toast

2006-05-22T00:11:00.000-04:00

As always it is a great pleasure to speak at any family gathering and especially today because it is such an absolutely beautiful day which I am sure took a ton of planning to get this day organized. Everyone knows that the bride does a lot of work but I am not quite sure if everybody here knows that Leo has tried to do more than any groom in the history of weddings. Leo has done so much planning for this wedding that his wonderful sister dubbed him “groomzilla”. In fact, he is such a groomzilla that he gave me suggestions on what to talk about during my toast and that I should read from a piece of paper. He called me once a week usually on Sundays to talk about the tuxedos or who is coming but, more importantly, what am I going to talk about during my toast. His biggest warning to me was that I should NOT make the same toast that I did for Cathy and Rich’s wedding because it was so sad (for the record, I was going for a touching and poignant speech but I suppose it was too sad for some!). I promised Leo and Elaine that I would make the toast funnier today and, to the relief of Elaine, the jokes will be at Leo’s expense.

Now, to placate Leo, I will tell the one story that Leo hates for me to tell. This story begins at my grandparents’ house in the great commonwealth of Massachusetts in the early 1980s. We were about 9 years old and we did what most 9 years olds did at that time period which was to watch wrestling. This was the golden age of wrestling with luminaries like Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndoff, Sgt. Slaughter, Hulk Hogan, Mr. Fuji, Jimmy “Superfly” Snauka, and everyone’s favorite “The Iron Sheik”. Leo and I were both fascinated by the great Iron Sheik because of his powerful move called “The Camel Clutch”, world’s greatest wrestling move. For those of you who don’t know the world’s greatest wrestling move, it involves sitting on a person’s back like a “camel” with your knees near the person’s head. Now, your knees are there so you can place each arm on each knee. What makes this move so great is “the clutch”! The clutch is done when you place both hands around the neck and you pull back as hard as humanly possible.

Since the Iron Sheik was the World’s Wrestling Champion in 1983 after defeating the great Bob Backlund, I suggested to Leo that we should do a tribute to the wrestling champion of the world. Because I am 13 days older than Leo and according to Vietnamese culture that makes me wiser than him, I convinced Leo that I should be the one to perform the Camel Clutch, world’s greatest wrestling move, on him. Leo agreed because, let’s face it, he wasn’t very smart back then and we also thought that since wrestling was fake then this move won’t hurt.

So, Leo and I went to one of the corner upstairs room at my grandparents’ house because it was far away from our parents, to perform the world’s greatest wrestling move, The Camel Clutch. We got on the bed and I totally yanked his neck back as hard as possible without breaking anything. Of course, Leo cried and cried and cried some more. He cried so much that I sort of freaked out. I didn’t want to go downstairs to tell our parents because that would get me into trouble so I did what any smart 9 year old would do which was to stuff Hubba Bubba gum into his mouth and manually move his jaw to force him to chew the gum. This incredibly shut him up and miraculously stopped him from crying and prevented me from getting into trouble. Now, you know why, Leo is so embarrassed when I mention this story.

For those of you who don’t know me, I am teacher and I am always looking at what we can learn from a situation. So, let’s analyze what everyone here can learn from this situation.

I think what we discover about Leo is that he is always willing to do what he can to accomplish anything. Now, true, having the camel clutch performed on you was dumb but his mistakes are few and far between. What separates Leo from most is his ability to do what is right for everyone which can possibly explain why he is a doctor. He is smart enough to realize what he loves to do and it is beautifully fitting that he found the person that he loves at the place that he loves to work at. Undoubtedly, Leo is a loving and caring person which is why we love him so dearly. He is the person that what we all hope that we could be. And it is especially wonderful that Leo found his equal in Elaine and I wish you two all the best for the rest of your lives.

Now, normally, this is when we would raise our glasses and toast but since Leo does not want a sappy ending but more of a funnier one, then I must discuss what Elaine can learn about Leo having the camel clutch, world’s greatest wrestling move, performed on him.

First, Elaine, if Leo doesn’t listen to you, you can do the camel clutch

Secondly, you now know what to do when Leo cries especially when he is watching his favorite television show “Grey’s Anatomy”. Leo, admit it, you know you were crying when Denny died in the season finale. So, Elaine, I am giving you a wedding present now, a pack of Hubba Bubba gum. You can make him manually chew if he is crying too much.

So, at last, let us toast to Elaine and Leo!! May their love be as strong and powerful as the Camel Clutch!!

Music and New Orleans

2006-03-06T13:43:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone!!

Who would think that it would take two months before I went to my first concert of the year? One would think that I would try to kick off the year with a huge concert but I didn't. I went to a small concert at Webster Hall in NYC. The headliner was Black Rebel Motorcycle but I was really going for the opening act which was Elefant. I pretty much knew as much about these two bands as you guys do which was about nothing except that Elefant has an amazing song called "Misfit". It is a somewhat weird experience going to a concert when you don't know much about the bands because you never know if headliner to the concert will be a waste of time which I felt when I heard the headliner, Black Rebel Motorcycle. I simply don't dig their country blue grass feel but the crowd loved them. However, the concert wasn't a waste since Elefant didn't disappoint. If you go just for the music, then Elefant was pretty average but if you are going for the all around show experience then Elefant didn't disappoint. The band was lead by a crazy lead singer who would steal people's drinks that stood next to the stage. He would also grab people's hats and launch them to the back of the crowd. It was great to watch as long as you weren't the one who had their hat or drink stolen from them. Yet, the highlight of the night was watching the lead singer (just in case you are wondering is Diego Garcia) take off his boots and then heave them to the top level of the concert hall. Normally, throwing boots to the upper rafters would be exciting enough but he did himself one better by taking off his socks and hurling them into the middle of the crowd (I honestly hope no one fought over his socks like wild hyenas) while singing one of his amazing songs. Without a doubt, Mr. Diego Garcia is a true showman and he definitely made my concert experience worthwhile.

I think I especially enjoyed Mr. Diego Garcia's antics because I hate boots which is why I don't own a pair (yes, I know this is rather stupid since I live in snowy New England). The reason why I hate them so much is because I loathe tying shoelaces. To me, it just seems like a waste of time and usually when someone wears boots they are going to do some serious work. However, since I am one of the laziest people in the world, I do not want to do any serious work nor would I want to tie my own bootlaces. I love wearing my black buckled skechers. I can slip them on and off in a matter of seconds. If I owned boots, then it would take me a couple of minutes to tie them and then I would have no excuse to shovel the snow. With my bootless self, I can simply sleep while the bootwearing people of the world can shovel the harsh New England snow.

So, how does one of the laziest people in the world participate in the rebuilding process in New Orleans with Habitat for Humanity? Well, it all starts with television of course. What else would the laziest person in world do but watch television in the middle of the night? I was watching the Late Show with David Letterman and Alec Baldwin (Mr. Schwetty balls himself) was on. He was talking about his week long stint with Habitat and sadly I was somewhat inspired by Mr. Schwetty balls. I went on the computer and signed up immediately. After I signed up, I became a little concerned about what I just did because (1) I am sooooo out of shape; (2) I hate to do hard work; (3) I hate wearing boots.

Despite my trepidation, I felt the need to overcome my hatred towards boots and laced them up to provide a little assistance to the people trying to survive in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. It is amazing to see how much can be done if you can spare a little time out of your busy schedule to help out especially in a dire situation like New Orleans. Even with my lazy ass, I was able to do a ton of work. Well, ok, to be honest, I didn't do much work but my team did most of the work especially the heavy stuff for me. Now, I was extremely fortunate to be on the best volunteer team with Habitat for Humanity at Camp Premiere. Since I was on the best team, I was never exposed as the laziest person in the world. Thank goodness!!

Normally, with Habitat for Humanity, you build homes. However, this time, we had to gut and remove debris from homes so they can rebuild it. Gutting the houses provides the owners with some hope because it gives them a fresh start to rebuild their homes and lives. It is much easier for the owners to rebuild when all of their stuff is removed from their homes instead of having them remove their own water logged items. It must be heartbreaking for them to toss all of their worldly possessions on the street corner. I know I felt a little uneasy when I cleared out a kid's room with all of their fun toys and drawings. It was like I was throwing out all of their hopes and dreams. To start over like that must be painful for anyone.

You couldn't really think about all of that stuff while you were working because you simply wanted to get the job done and as fast as possible. My team was thinking that if we can gut as many homes as possible then more families can start over. We believed that this was extremely important because of the 60,000 people that lives in St. Bernard Parish only 8,000 people have returned to start over. We were able to accomplish our goal of gutting one house a day which is quite impressive since most teams did about half or 3/4 of a home for a day. During the first three days, the whole campus of 160 people gutted 8 homes and of those 8, three of those were done by my team. We considered ourselves to be the Habitat for Humanity All-Star team. On third day of work, we started on one house in the morning and finished in the afternoon. We convinced one of the firemen to give us another home. He said that he could give us one but we would have no tools. Having no tools didn't matter since we were able to destroy things with our bare hands. We knocked down walls and removed all of the heavy stuff. We did one full home and a half for that Wednesday. We were all proud of our work that day. The bus ride back to the camp was so much fun. We joked as if we were like a victorious sports team riding back home from their state championship. The firemen were so impressed with our work that they had us work on their friends' homes.

It was definitely a rewarding experience. After my time with Habitat for Humanity, I headed to Houston for another family wedding. It was another fantastic time in the Lone Star state. However, this time was a little better since one of my cousins got me tickets to the Fiona Apple/Coldplay concert. I thought this was a fitting end to such an enriching vacation. This concert was full of rage and hope which, in many ways, is similar to the situation in New Orleans. The concert began with Fiona Apple and she performed a stellar set. Whenever Fiona Apple sings, you can always feel the pain and rage in her voice. This was most evident when she sang "Shadowboxer" and "As Fast As You Can". When I hear her voice, I can't help but identify with the anger and rage in her performance especially when I saw the condition of many of the homes in New Orleans some 6 months after the storm. It is nothing like you've seen before. The television stations can only show so much. When you are next to the homes and see it upclose, then that is when you can see the full magnitude of the situation. It is sad to the see that many of the homes are still untouched especially in the 9th ward. You know the government (all levels- local, state, and federal) failed the people and this is truly upsetting. These feelings of anger stings a little more when I hear someone like Fiona Apple because I know that there is so much that can be done for the people in New Orleans but things aren't being done as fast as they could be done. The break between acts relaxes me a bit until Coldplay comes on. The anger and rage from Fiona Apple's performance subsides for a bit when Chris Martin skips around the stage like a second rate Mick Jagger while the rest of the band jams in such an uplifting way that soothes my soul. With songs like Yellow, Politik, and Fix You, I start to think that anything can be solved especially after hearing the chorus from Fix You. These songs give me hope and I believe that things will eventually improve for the people in New Orleans especially if more and more people pitch in along with the private and public sections. Once more of an effort is put forth, then the Crescent City will be able to play its beautiful music forever.

Mugshot Monday

2006-01-09T10:07:00.000-05:00

I think this has to be one of my all time favorite. Poor Ms. Bleeth! Cocaine isn't what it used to be.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/mugshots/bleethmug1.html

The Blog Format

2006-01-05T03:01:00.000-05:00

My number one New Year’s resolution is to harass each and every one of you with annoying emails everyday this year. I am going to email you guys so much in 2006 that you’ll turn on your spam blocker (if you haven’t already). However, undoubtedly, I know I not be able to keep this New Year’s resolution. I simply don’t have the commitment to keep something going for that long. I think I feel the same way with my blog. There is no way that I am able to do this for 12 months. I don’t want to consistently write that much about nonsense nor do I think I want to be one of those people that can do it. (Sorry, to those people who do it especially my boy Jeff who gave me helpful advice for my blog which I didn’t understand! Oh, by the way, I think everyone should know that Jeff had your first crush on Patty Zelno!! I read your blog!! Boy, blogs are rather dangerous don’t you think? Please don’t throw my stuff out of the house!!)

Even if I could write that much this year, who would want to read all of that crap? Why would you want to read blogs about Badly Drawn Boy or Scrubs or Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas? Don’t you have better things to do than read these useless emails/blogs (This blog business is all Michael’s fault! How was your birthday?)? And, if people don’t read these emails/blogs, then why in the world am I spending so much time writing these pieces of crap? I should be using my time more wisely as a teacher by grading papers or planning better lessons (god knows that my students can answer so many questions of the day in one year!) instead of wasting one or two hours a night producing 4th rate emails/blogs. I am to writing what pornos are the movie industry (although some of you guys and gals [you know who you are] actually enjoy pornos so this maybe a complement for me which may explain why you are still reading this email/blog instead of pressing the “next” button to get to your next email).

So, if you are still reading, then let me explain the format to my blog:

Mondays will be known as Mugshot Mondays. You could see the latest and funniest mugshot like this dude who likes midget porn (he was ranked #3 by thesmokinggun.com)

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/1229051mugs14.html

Tuesdays will be Television Tuesdays. I will be discussing something about what to watch and then reference how you should watch Scrubs that night. For example: On Monday, January 16th, the 63rd Golden Globes will be in Beverly Hills on NBC at 8pm. One of the more exciting categories for the night will be “Actor in a Leading Role – Musical or Comedy”. The nominees are:
a.) Charlie “I showed off my wedding ring on the Craig Ferguson show to announce to everyone that my marriage is going well but yesterday my lawyers just filed papers for divorce” Sheen.
b.) Jason “Go back to Kevin Smith films and continue to allow the All Girl Summer Fun Band to write more songs about you” Lee (Yeah, that reference to the All Girl Summer Fun Band was a joke for myself but clink on their link and enjoy some fantastic fun summer music)
c.) Larry “Stick with scripted roles instead of doing a halfass improvising on Curb Your Enthusiasm” David
d.) Steve “Only play roles that require you to have your chest hair waxed because, frankly, you are no Ricky Gervais in the original The Office” Carell
e.) Last but definitely not least is the odds on favorite Zach Braff from everyone’s favorite comedy show, Scrubs, that appears on Tuesdays on NBC at 9pm.

Wednesdays will be my daily ramblings from the Wild Wacky World of Wein which hopefully you are currently enjoying.

Thursdays will be my “Clip of the Week” either music or video like this wonderful piece that I accidentally found a few days before the new year and which I got to see again on Saturday Night Live on New Year’s Day. This has to be my favorite SNL skit in some time:

http://www.youtube.com/w/SNL%27s-spoof-of-Black-Eyed-Peas?v=oMC26mvwQHM&search=snl%20black%20eyed%20peas

The blog will be inactive on Fridays through Sundays because the weekend is known as my “quiet time” or “me time”. Anyways, check daily with http://wackyworldofwein.blogspot.com to see if I am able to keep my New Year’s resolution. Don’t expect it to last past January though!! This new format for the blog will begin on Monday, January 9th to coincide with the premiere of Howard Stern on Sirius radio. Although one blog format note: expect a mass email from me tomorrow to celebrate Three King’s Day.

May the blog be with you,
John

Top 10 Concerts That I Went To In 2005

2006-01-04T03:00:00.000-05:00

10.) John Mayer at the Borgata in Atlantic City. It was a tramautic ride to get to the show since we were lost and running out of gas with no gas station in sight. However, everything worked out and the boy can really play guitar despite the fact that the radio continues to play all of his wussie songs.

9.) George Clinton and the P-Funk All-Stars at Toad's Place in New Haven. Watching Clinton is the best way to spend the presidential inauguration.

8.) White Stripes with The Shins and M. Ward at Keyspan Park in Brooklyn, NY. Loud and crazy. Jack White is a guitar god.

7.) Erin McKeown at the Space in Hamden. Nicest and sweetest electric guitar player around.

6.) Black Crowes in Providence, RI at the new improved Lupo's. Pure and old fashion rock n' roll.

5.) Beck, Belle and Sebastian, Polyphonic Spree, Ravonettes, and the Dragonettes at Keyspan Park in Brooklyn, NY. Beck is a pure genius. Nice way to spend the Sunday after my birthday.

4.) Gwen Stefani at the Mohegan Sun Arena in Uncasville, CT. Can she possibly be the next Madonna? She totally rocked out!!

3.) Solomon Burke in San Francisco at the Palace of Fine Arts. The King of Rock n' Soul. No one has a more powerful voice than this man.

2.) U2 with Institute in Hartford at the Hartford Civic Center. Click on the links to see my comments.

1.) Hurricane Katrina Benefit at Radio City in NYC. Performers were Tom Waits, John Mayer with Joss Stone, Ray Lamontagne, Trey from Phish, Dave Matthews Band, The Meters, and Neville Brothers with a surprise visit from President Bill Clinton. Most star power for any concert in 2005!! Horrible reason to come together but a fantastic concert. Tom Waits stole the show along with Ray Lamontagne.

Honorable Mentions:
1.) Nick Hornby at the Bowery Ballroom in NYC.
2.) Doves at Toad's Place in New Haven and Bowery Ballroom in NYC.
3.) Kaki King at the Space in New Haven

Finally, Scrubs is BACK!!

2006-01-03T22:21:00.000-05:00

World Order is completely restored with the season premiere of Scrubs - the greatest show on television. Since I don't have cable, I am going to go to a house with cable to have the cable company know that I am watching Scrubs on Tuesdays at 9pm on NBC. This week's past shows were:

"My Intern's Eyes"Tuesday, January 3rd @ 9pm et/ptEveryone tries to adjust to change. Turk sneaks J.D. into the apartment while he waits for his apartment to be repaired. Turk and Carla engage in baby-making, even though Turk is secretly afraid, and Elliot is still trying to adjust to working at a new hospital.

"My Rite of Passage"Tuesday, January 3rd @ 9:30pm et/ptJ.D. learns that being an attending physician brings a new set of skills and responsibilities. Dr. Cox tries to adjust to Jordan working at the hospital every day and Elliot's new fellowship is short-lived.

I am going to skip trivia night at the local pub for awhile so I can watch the funniest and quirkiest show on television. Check out this article, ranking the best music moments on Scrubs:
http://www.stylusmagazine.com/feature.php?ID=1631

10 Years and Counting

2006-01-03T05:42:00.000-05:00

2006! HAPPY NEW YEAR'S EVERYONE!! I am entering my 10th year writing on the internet. (Now, granted, I didn't really write for five those years but that's besides the point. I wrote my first two internet entries while I was in London in 1997. Take a look by checking out the UCONN London website: http://english.uconn.edu/London/journ2.html . I must admit that it is rather embarrassing since they were so poorly written. Although it's not like these mass emails are written well!) Since it is the new year and all, I decided to make a fresh start and change my old website into a blogging page with the indirect help of Kyle, John, and Tripp. I suppose the biggest difference from the old website to this new site would be that you will be able to leave your comments on the website as suppose to emailing it to me or accidently to everyone on this email list (Is there anything worst than reading an email that is just intended for the original sender but was accidentally sent to everyone on the mass email list instead?).

The conversion from the old website to new blogging site was started over breakfast on January 1st when one of my friends (Mr. Michael Bent who is turning 31 today!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!) was telling his girlfriend (although you may not call her that everyone in the free world calls her "your girlfriend") that I wrote blogs to everyone. Since I was still on my writing high horse, I suggested I do NOT write blogs since my mass emails are more thought out than the average blog on the internet. However, because I am an asshole, I slowly realized that I was wrong (mentally, of course, because I would never admit verbally that I was wrong and an asshole in public) and decided to convert my old website into this new one. This conversation put into motion my new blogging site which I spent all night working on. Well, to start the new year, I am going to start my first entry and revisit an old mass email favorite entry. YEAR NUMBER TEN internet entry begins with:

I woke up at 5:30am on December 31, 2005. To kill time in my hotel room in Providence, RI, I decided to think about my past New Year's Eves. I think I must preface this mass email/blog by stating that I really don't like the hype which is New Year's Eve but I do like to hang out with friends for it though.

2006 - Providence, RI at Michael's girlfriend's house.
2005 - Brunwich, ME with Anne and Suzanne. For some strange reason, I didn't realize when New Year's Eve was. I thought it was the day after but I was too stupid to realize it so I imposed on my wonderful hosts and had a fantastic dinner at their friend's house. They were cool because they went to the Badly Drawn Boy concert a few days before in Portland.
2004- Danbury, CT with myself since I was soooo freaking sick. Had the flu over the break and did not leave my room except when I went to the emergency room. The worst New Year's Eve of all time!!!!
2003 - New York City with Courtney at some bar in the Upper East side.
2002 - Providence, RI again this time with Michael and company.
2001 - Washington, DC with Brian and Liz at the Bungalow. How is China, kids? Keep sending the pictures, Brian!!
2000 - Washington, DC with my sister at the mall for the Millennium Celebration. Cold night!
1999- Hue, Vietnam. Sounds more exciting than what it actually was since they really don't celebrate the new year at the same time that we do.
1998- This is when things get foggy. I think I should have been in Danbury, CT but not quite sure.
1997- Newport, England with Tom and company at the Pheasant.

If I was wrong with any of these years, then please let me know since some of you guys have a better memory than I do. Everything before this time, I was either in the greater Danbury, CT area or Chicopee, MA.

Isn't it crazy how fast time flies? It really seems like three or four years since the Millennium hoopla happened but that was six freaking years ago (ok, not quite sure why I wrote six years ago because none of you guys are that stupid to not know when the Millennium celebration happened). Anyways, it is really easy to be reflective on how you changed over the years. To help reflect in how I've changed, I decided to google myself once again to see how I've changed over the years (I really googled myself to see if I could find the London journal entries again. I am telling you this because I don't want you guys to think that I was so reflective about myself that I actually googled myself).

Here is what I found when I typed John Nguyen (again):

I was a golfer. Check out my site: http://www.golfballa.com/ This loser actually has a poll about who your favorite golfer is. The options are: Tiger Woods, Ernie Els, David Duvall, Sergio Garcia, Phil Mickelson, Vijay Singh, John Daley, David Love III, Retief Goosen, Mike Weir, and myself -JOHN "I'M LOSER THAT I MAKE STUPID POLLS" NGUYEN.

I made two albums in 2003 and 2004 which explains why I am such a music snob.
http://shopping.yahoo.com/p:John%20Nguyen:1927749487

I've also written two books about designing ISP architectures and The Crabfish.
http://www.alibris.com/search/search.cfm?S=R&wauth=John+V+Nguyen&siteID=PmFI5OlCKw4-f2YR0dqSIsBCDLGvZ_sy2Q

I was on the men's tennis team at Cal Poly which was the beginning of my excellent tennis career before I got into coaching at Hillhouse High School. http://gopoly.com/tennis/mens/

I posted an ad on Vietsingle. My goal is "to make a happy life. I will get marry some day in the future! In my free time, I like to hang out with friend also I go out to movies, music, travel in the around world of international, dance, shopping". My favorite part of the personal ad is: "I looking for asian girl of age 18years to 40years old.. I want to have fun, talk with chat or love." Check me out at: http://vietsingle.vietfun.com/pro.php?ID=364521&l=1

Here is another ad for love but since I am unable to translate then I will not be able to make fun of him. However, if one of my kind cousins can translate it for me then that would be fantastic.
http://vietsingle.vietfun.com/pro.php?ID=313575&l=1

I am also a soul for love. My website says so: http://welcome.to/soul_for_love

I am an incredible lawyer in Tustin, California. http://www.johnnguyenlaw.com/

I am a yellow Texan. http://www.yellowtexan.com/

Finally, my personal favorite is that I am the Thai monkey. The dude has my mean face on which is quite funny to me. http://www.1up.com/do/my1Up?publicUserId=5620046

I hope you enjoyed this trip down memory lane. It was quite refreshing for me to reminisce about the golden days. If you want another enjoyable read, then check out my old website with the original John Nguyen mass email http://www.geocities.com/wackyworldofwein/nguyens.htm and you can see the accompanying photos at http://www.geocities.com/wackyworldofwein/1.html .

NEW SITE is at http://wackyworldofwein.blogspot.com/ with most of your favorite mass emails on it. Please feel free to leave comments or just email me at this regular email address.

Peace and Love,
-John
old site: www.geocities.com/wackyworldofwein

U2 - (December 2005)

2006-01-02T04:43:00.000-05:00

I think it took about two weeks to finally shake off all of the tyrosine from Thanksgiving. (Memo to self: if you are cutting a turkey, do not shout that the turkey is too dry to cut! The cook, who is probably sitting at the table, could think that you are insulting her cooking!!) Probably the funniest moment on Thanksgiving Day for me!! Anyways, I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and that it continues throughout the holiday season.

...So, it has been brought to my attention that I might have cheated in my last mass email by writing who I would invite to a dinner party which was limited to only 5 couples but since I made up three different tables then I circumvented the rules. (Just in case you didn't read the last email, let me recap: at my dinner table- Clintons, Nick Hornby, Billie Jean King, Michael Wilbon, and Bono; at my poker table- Vince Vaughn, Matthew McConaughey, Wanda Sykes, Sarah Silverman, Conan O' Brien; at my political roundtable- James Carville, Michael Eric Dyson, Cornel West, Frank Wu, and Gloria Steinem.) Now, if you notice, there are no repeats at any of the tables. These tables are mutually exclusive from each other. If the question was "who I would invite to my dinner table?" then you have the answer. If you ask me another question like, let me think... "who I would like to invite to my poker table?" then you have that answer as well. So, obviously, one can see that I answered three separate questions at the same time. I did NOT cheat, you loser Dinner Table Question Policemen (you know who you are!!).

Once again, I am right and you are wrong!! You all should be use to it by now. Yes, just in case you are wondering, the view from my high horse is absolutely wonderful. What a stunning view!! Many people think that I write these mass emails because I can't sleep at night but actually if I tried to tell everyone how I feel, no one could hear me because I am so high up on my high horse. However, yesterday, I was rightfully knocked off my high horse. I usually sit pretty riding my musical high horse. How could I not when I listen to such amazing music? Very few people are invited to my exclusive world of music because there are so many ignorant people out there. For example, I recently was talking to another young teacher at my school and I told her that I saw Beck a few months ago and she responded "They are really good!". Umhhh, hell-lo, Beck is one person, stupid. She is forever on my "uncool" list. I saw another dude my age wearing a U2 concert t-shirt tucked into his jean shorts. Call Stacy and Clinton from What Not to Wear or for my international readers Susannah and Trinny and tell them to rip off that t-shirt off the dude. So, freaking sad!!!! How about those dudes at a John Mayer concert begging for him to play "Daughters"? I can't believe I live on the same planet as these fools. They should listen to their crappy music on their 30MB ipods which they can only fill about a third of it with their pathetic music and turn the volume on high blast so they can lose all of their hearing, thereby preventing them from polluting our glorious musical atmosphere.

Despite my obvious hatred for the generic music mainstreamers, I decided to dismount my musical high horse and join the people at a U2 concert in Hartford on Wednesday. I had a lot of trepidation seeing a band that has majorly and I mean MAJORLY jacked up their ticket prices (It was only $30 when my sister saw U2 in 1987 at the Hartford Civic Center. Tickets now can range as high as five times as much!!! And with the additional charges, it comes to six times as much!!!!!!!) With the high ticket prices, the true fanatics, you know the ones that have followed U2 into their techno phase and journeyed back with them to their rock roots and who have all of their albums which make them extremely poor, will be unable to attend the show while the yuppies who would rather tell everyone that they were there at the show but never really "listened" to the music because they were too busy talking to their friends while U2 was playing and taking a ton of cellphone photos of themselves to prove to everyone that couldn't afford the tickets that they were having a great time at the concert. (I'm sorry I am suppose to be off my high horse, aren't I?) So, obviously, I was a little apprehensive going into the concert because I was a little afraid that these Billboard bores will ruin my musical listening experience.

However, just like when Scrooge discovered the meaning of Christmas at the end of the movie, I rediscovered the meaning of U2 when the Edge began playing the first notes of "City of Blinding Lights". When the Edge plays the first few riffs of any great U2 song, it is like drinking a nice glass of wine before you've eaten anything all day. The sounds slowly lift you up just high enough that you can hover right over the crowd. When you begin to mentally float, you are now "in" the music and nothing else in the world at that moment matters except the music. As you're being swept away by the Edge, badass Bono comes out to fuse the riffs with his sweet voice. Now, you start to believe in the power of U2. You understand why they are the biggest band in the world as Larry Mullen Jr. starts pounding away on the drums while Adam Clayton is just being Adam Clayton with the bass. Right then and there, they start violenting kicking your ass from the energy with songs like Bullet the Blue Sky, Elevation, Until the End of the World, Sunday Bloody Sunday, and Vertigo. (I am going to show my age right here. When I was talking to my cousin's cousin, who is 13 year old, at last Christmas, he was surprised by my U2 music collection. He didn't realize that they had so much since the only song that he knew was Vertigo which came out last year!! Kids, these days!!!!)

The ultracool musical hip likes to mock Bono for his crusading ways. But, why shouldn't music mean something? Why shouldn't music change the world? These same ultracool hipsters will never suggest the same with Lennon. Lennon wanted more from his music and is honored for it. Bono uses his music in the same way and is making change in the world. It was extremely poignant to watch this generation's Lennon paying tribute to the great master on the eve of the 25th anniversary of his death. Bono raised the hairs on my arms when he started to play songs like Help, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, Merry Christmas (War is Over), Norwegian Wood, and Instant Karma. As the song goes, "you glorify the past while the future dries up!". Well, the future is now. We can't raise Lennon from the dead but if you believe in his music then you can live in similar ways. There is no one who lives this better than Bono.

I BELIEVE IN BONO!!!

If Bono wants to make a dent in ending poverty in Africa by dismantling trade barriers and forgiving third world debt, then it can be done and, not surprisingly, it is on its way with organizations like One and Data working with the G8.

If Bono wants to be a real uniter of both parties, then it can be done. He's had Jesse Helms, Rick Santorium, and John Kerry at his concerts. With this united front, he has gotten more funds to Africa to fight AIDS.

If Bono wants to help children in Africa by providing clean water, education, and medicine, then it can and will be done.

If Bono is a religion, then I am a follower. If Bono is a preacher, then I am listening. If Bono is a healer, then I will be healed.

How can I not be healed when you hear songs like Love and Peace or Else, Miss Sarajevo, Beautiful Day, Stuck in the Moment You Can't Get Out Of, With or Without You, One, 40, and Sometimes You Can’t Make It On Your Own? You are healed because everything Bono feels you start to feel. You actually feel the pain and hurt when Bono proclaims that sometimes you can’t make it on your own as he stares at the huge walking AOL-like figure on the image behind him thinking about his own father who passed away during the making of this latest U2 album. As you see Bono crouching and staring and thinking to himself, you start to analyze your own relationship with your father. You start to feel the pain that Bono feels with his own father because you know that things between you and your father are somewhat similar to the feelings expressed in that song. You understand Bono when he sings:

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don’t have to go it alone
And it’s you when I look in the mirror
And it’s you when I don’t pick up the phone
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own
I know that we don’t talk
I’m sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me – when – I -Sing,
you’re the reason I sing
You’re the reason why the opera is in me…

But instead of the opera and singing, I am the teacher that I am from the positive and, definitely, negative feedback from my own father and the pain in Bono’s voice stings a little more. You wish you could change everything but you realize that both of you are too stubborn for change so the outcome of your relationship will be the same outcome as Bono’s relationship. However, the inevitable disconnect can be delayed by moments when you do actually connect on topics like music and sports. Then you start to realize how similar you two are but the damage has been done and it is too late for repairs. You start to wonder if you’ll have the same issues with your own children. You hope not but you realize that you are the same person as the one that you have rejected and it is very possible that you will not be strong enough to break the cycle.

So, you stand stiller than ever in your life when Bono hits the line “Can - you - hear - me - when – I –sing.” The tears that fall from the corners of your eyes signify your failures in this relationship as well as others. You feel a little faint from realizing your own inadequacies but quickly awaken from the applause of the crowd. Somehow, while you are recovering, Bono breaks out of his mode and reaches a new place with his next song. You miss the first word or so and then you are back with the band and all of their glory to the end of the show.

And what an end to the show with two encores and with the very same song as U2 finished with nearly 20 years earlier when my sister was there with the song 40. I still have "How long to sing this song? How long to sing this song? How long to sing this song?" in my head. (I am sure that you guys are thinking "how long will I write this email?")

Obviously, I am ever soooo glad that I went to this concert. I was extremely stupid to be on my musical high horse against U2 and their fans. It was truly a memorable night!! A night 13 years in the making!! I can't believe that it's been 13 years since I last saw U2 at Yankee Stadium. Yes, Michael, I am going to mention that one of my friends (who shall remain nameless) passed on the U2 concert to attend a Christian Leadership Institute. If he only knew that attending a U2 concert is like a religious experience. Yet, I will not make fun of my friend because the spiritual side is really important to develop. I learned this from one of my favorite teachers of all time, Ms. Ann Leheny. I remembered the vote of confidence that she gave me when she wanted me to join the Spiritual Life program at my high school. She had a warm and comforting way about her which made talking to her so amazing and enlightening. Some of the good that I possess, and I realize that it isn't much, can be attributed to her. I loved Ms. Leheny and it pained me to find out that she died a few days before Thanksgiving. However, with anyone who dies like Ms. Leheny or John Lennon, it is imperative that we live our life in the same way like these great people. In following Bono's lead singing much of night for John Lennon, then I will sing this new song for Ms. Leheny and I will sing it forever.

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll,
-John

Zimbabwe (November 2005)

2006-01-02T04:41:00.001-05:00

I now know how Zimbabwe feels when they competed in the 2004 Summer Olympics. In the last Olympics, they won a gold, silver, and a bronze in Athens. I am sure for Zimbabwe each medal was equally important since they won so few medals. For them, a bronze is as good as gold. For Americans, winning gold is all that matters but for a country like Zimbabwe any medal is fantastic. Last night, when my trivia team (back to the original name since we had our regular members "Pink Velvet Sausage Wallets") placed third and we were sooooo happy. We were more excited finishing third than we were when we placed first and second because we did it together with only our regular members since the other two times we had different people filling in the 5th spot. It was, indeed, a glorious night for our team. Last night, the "Pink Velvet Sausage Wallets" were Zimbabweans. It was a great feeling driving home victorious from trivia night. My mood last night was very different from last week.

As I was driving home, I took my normal route on highway I-91 northbound. I was driving about 70 mph just outside of New Haven when a deer jumped out in front of me. I swerved out of the way and, as I turned the car back into the lane, I lost control of my car and it spun out twice on the highway. Yes, that's right TWICE!!! Thankfully, my car stopped spinning before the divider because I thought I was headed right towards it. I was also very fortunate because all of the cars behind me stopped so I wasn't hit from behind. After the car stopped spinning, I looked around and noticed that I wasn't hurt, the car (or as I like to call it the "Carmen Elantra") was fine, and it appears that the deer was fine as well. After a night like that, you definitely have to count your blessings and reflect on how lucky you are to enjoy the wonders that life has for you. I think I will appreciate Thanksgiving a little bit more this year than previous years.

However like all Thanksgivings, I am sooooo looking forward to pigging out with my family eating turkey, stuffing, corn, and all the other goodies at the dinner table. It should be another amazing family gathering just the other times. At the last family gathering, I've been thinking about a hypothetical question that my sister posed to my cousin and I which was "if you could invite anyone in the world living now, who would you invite to your dinner party?" (There is a limit of 5 couples.) Usually you get this question late in the night when you are a little more intoxicated, however, my sister asked this question early so I've been thinking about it ever since. In honor of Thanksgiving, my sister, and that damn deer, I am going to give you my invitation list for a dinner party, poker table, and a "Meet the Press" round table. Here it is:

5 guests for "Meet the Press" roundtable:

1.) James Carville. I actually saw him once when I was eating dinner in Alexandria, VA. There is no better political commentator than this man. He speaks with so much passion that it is so inspiring. Ever since I saw him cry in the documentary "War Room", I knew right then and there that he is the baddest political strategist of our time.

2.) Michael Eric Dyson. I have yet to see another college professor speak about race in the same dynamic way than Professor Dyson. Cornell West is close and he is next on my list but Dyson is able to interwine everyday street language into the academic world. I am not quite sure if there is a more knowledgeable person when analyzing rap and hip-hop lyrics and how it relates to society. If you have an opportunity to see him on C-Span or in person, please do so. Right now, you can currently see him on tour slamming Bill Cosby about his comments on the African American community. I wish I could take his class at the University of Pennsylvania.

3.) Cornel West. Another amazing speaker on race. He is the George Foreman of the academic world because he can do it all. He has a rap album. He was an actor in the Matrix. He is a professor and can always be seen on the talk show circuit. Another man with great passion!!

4.) Frank Wu. The baddest Asian American speaker on race around. He looked like the ultimate nerd with his nerdy thick glasses (sadly, he replaced them with contacts), bow tie, and nasally voice. He was the first Asian American professor at the Howard University Law School and now is a dean of a law school in Michigan. His book "Yellow" is an excellent book and should be read by all.

5.) Gloria Steinem. How could you not have her in your political round table? If you don't know anything about her, then you better spend the rest of your day researching her.

On a lighter note, I am going to reveal my poker table invitation list:

1.) Vince Vaughn. The coolest and funniest actor around!! Watch Wedding Crashers, Dodgeball, and Swingers.

2.) Matthew McConaughey. Anyone who plays the drums naked is my kid of guy for poker (not that I want to see him naked or anything). He just seems like a spirited guy. The man drives around the country in a RV to meet people. Pretty cool!

3.) Wanda Sykes. One of the funniest woman ever.

4.) Sarah Silverman. Just watch her in the Aristocrats. (Joe Franklin is trying to sue her about her comments in the movie!)

5.) Conan O'Brien. Anyone who looks like the Finnish president must be funny. OK, I just love his show and would love to hang with him for one night talking nonsense with these other funny people (OK, McConaughey is not really funny but the right easy going person that you need at a poker table).

Now, the moment of truth: The Dinner Table. When I was thinking about this, you need to include engaging people. You don't want people who are too cool for school like a table with Sean Penn, Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie, etc. You need people who are able to talk to each other and make the table fun like the poker table but not as silly as that table. Also, you don't want the dinner table to be too serious like the "Meet the Press" round table. You want this table to maneuver through various kinds of issues in a sometimes serious and sometimes fun manner. So, here is the invitation list:

1.) Nick Hornby. From the past mass emails, you should know how much I love his work. I definitely need someone like him there. He has a strong background in music, football, movies, and writing.

2.) Billie Jean King. I needed to include an athlete and there is no better athlete than her to discuss a variety of issues. Her work in tennis, the creation of the professional women's league, team tennis, gender equality, and human rights makes her a fantastic person to invite for my fictional dinner party.

3.) Bono. I want a musician at the table because you never know when you are going to break out in song (so, I would prefer it if he came with the Edge as his other half at the dinner party). Now, U2 isn't my favorite band but I would like to have someone as political as him because how can you not admire his work in helping developing nations. He has talked to many world leaders from both parties. He actually had Jesse Helms at one of his concerts (not that I admire Jesse Helms) and travelled to Africa with Paul O'Neil. He is truly someone who unites and not divides.

4.) Bill and Hillary Clinton. The ultimate power couple.

5.) Now, the fifth spot is always the hardest to pick since you want someone who can complete the table. This spot is usually your wildcard spot. Are you going to chose someone obvious or someone off the beaten track? Of course, I must chose someone off the beaten track. I think this is an unusual pick but whenever I see this person on television or read one of his columns, I feel a little better because he always makes sense. The final person is Michael Wilbon. He is one of the best sports writers of our time. He graces the pages of the Washington Post and has his own program "Pardon the Interruption" on ESPN. If he could come with Tony Kornheiser (his partner on PTI) then he is definitely invited to my dinner table.

So, there you have it! If you have time, then feel free to give me your dinner invitation list.

Since Thanksgiving is a little more than a week away, then I suppose I should also give you my Thanksgiving Invitation List. My Thanksgiving Invitation List is my mass email list. You guys are all wonderful people and I would love to have each and every one of you guys one day sitting next to each other and enjoying each other's company. Thanks for being apart of my life and making life so enjoyable.

Peace and Love,
-John

Nguyen Halloween (November 2005)

2006-01-02T04:31:00.000-05:00

(I apologize to the people who are familiar with these stories. I started out with some older family stories and ended with newer ones. Even if you do know these stories, read them anyway because they are so damn funny!)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

To be very honest with everyone, I've never been a big fan of Halloween. What's the point of dressing up and trying to scare someone for one day when you belong to a crazy family with a bunch of wackos and weirdos for all your life. People try to make their homes scary by putting skeletons or coffins in their front yard for Halloween. We don't need Halloween to put creepy objects in and around the house. How about having a coffin in your very own kitchen? My great grandmother bought a coffin and placed it right in the kitchen because she thought she was going to die right after her husband. Of course, my great grandmother didn't die right away so my family had this coffin in their kitchen for awhile. Actually, when my family was leaving Vietnam, a neighbor realized that they were leaving so they asked my grandmother if they could have the unused coffin since we weren't going to take this coffin to America and, in true Nguyen fashion, my great grandmother said, "No" and cursed the neighbor out for asking such a thing. Speaking of coffins, a family friend sold coffins for a living. If there weren't enough people dying in town or if there weren't enough people buying his coffins, he would sleep in one of his coffins for good luck so he would sell it the next day. I think the joke went that when people would come to the store and ask about the coffins that he would guarantee that the coffins were comfortable for their recently departed loved ones since he personally slept in the coffins. I don't know where my family finds these crazy people to hang out with but we have a great sense to attract the people who are a step away from a mental institution. I suppose my family has always had a fascination with the crazies since my family's home in Vietnam bordered the wealthy part of town of Saigon and the slums with the pimps, hos, and drug addicted folks. We brought this fascination to America especially when you meet my dad's friends who both happen to have moustaches (I am not suggesting if you have a moustache that you are crazy but rather my dad's two craziest friends both happen to have moustaches. Although Tom Selleck is a little crazy with his moustache and all. If Tom Cruise had a moustache, then maybe my moustache theory would have more substance but since I've never suggested that, well... never mind then. Let's just go back to my dad's crazy moustache friends!!) The first dude with a moustache whom my sister and I appropriately called the "Moustache Man" who happens to live in Marlboro, MA (I added the town name for you alliteration fans out there). The moustache man once got married in a funeral home because he didn't want it to always be associated with sadness. I suppose that this would be funny for you irony fans out there but not for the marriage romantics folks. However, since I am not a marriage romantic person, I think this story is so freaking hilarious and extremely bizarre!! And, of course, I must save the best for last. The other moustache dude is "Vietnam Saddam" affectionately named by my cousin's friends. Or is it "Saddam Vietnam"? (I can never remember but both names are equally funny to me) The reason why my cousin's friends rightfully named this moustache man "Vietnam Saddam" is because whenever you see this dude he is always dressed in army fatigues and he has a deranged look on his face. If any of you guys are ever daring enough to venture to one of my family gatherings at my parents' place, then you'll definitely meet "Vietnam Saddam" who is at my parents' place more times than me. Just this past weekend at my parents place, I heard a loud crash downstairs and then the vacuum cleaner went on. I later went downstairs to say goodbye to some of my relatives that were leaving and grab some more food to make my belly a little more bigger since I am eating for two now. As I was saying goodbye to my relatives, I saw Vietnam Saddam's cheek bleeding. Most of his cheek was red with a little bit of blood dripping down his face. The only time that I've seen someone bleeding from that area is when someone is picking at a zit or cut themselves with a razor but since Vietnam Saddam was doing neither then I must assume that Vietnam Saddam was probably playing with one of the glasses, dropped it, and then proceeded to show how tough he was and rubbed it on his cheek. Of course, in true impersonal Nguyen style, does anyone in my family appear concern by this or willing to help him? NO!! The only help he gets is someone mentions to him that he is bleeding but besides that no additional help like a bandage or some ointment or even a napkin to wipe the blood. Vietnam Saddam is crazy and we've come to expect this kind of behavior from him. Although I shouldn't suggest that my family isn't willing to help this dude! One time when Vietnam Saddam was drunk at my aunt's house, my cousin saw that Vietnam Saddam was going to have trouble walking down the stairs. My cousin who is a licensed doctor noticed that Vietnam Saddam could stumble down the stairs in his intoxicated state and do some serious damage to himself. My thoughtful cousin decided to walk down the stairs in front of him so if Vietnam Saddam did fall then my cousin would serve as a cushion to break his fall. Now, honestly, how many of you guys would do something like that? No way in hell would I do that for Vietnam Saddam!! Maybe for some of you guys I would serve as a cushion but not for Vietnam Saddam. I must admit that, as funny as that situation is, I have to give major props to my cousin since he was willing enough to sacrifice his body for this crazy dude. If only you guys could see my cousin walking slowly down the stairs in front of Vietnam Saddam, then you'll be laughing as hard as I am while I'm typing this part of the mass email. That was true comedic theatre!! There isn't enough time in the night for me to write all of the weird stories about my family. However, as long as I am able to witness or hear about these bizarre events, I don't need to dress up like anyone else for Halloween since being a Nguyen is crazy enough. Peace and Love, -John

Bowlabash (October 2005)

2006-01-02T04:30:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone!

What in the name of MAD TV is going on with the world? I have no clue what it is but for the past two weeks or so, I've been repeatedly asked if I am on MAD TV. Of course, only white people, who are doing a terrible job at being funny, are asking me this question. It's gotten to a point where I just shrugged them off since I am sooooooo tired of hearing it and responding with a snide comment. With my shrug though, I want to crush them in the same way that John Cusack's character wanted to destroy Tim Robbin's character in High Fidelity when he first encountered him in the music store but Cusack opts for the more peaceful response (and the more cowardly one). Those feelings are the same exact feelings that I have when someone says a comment like that. It's not worth fighting that battle over and over and over again. In fact, nearly a week ago, as I left my car to walk to my place with groceries, this random person on the street shouted towards me, "where is my pork fried rice?". I am sure that I could have responded that someone her size shouldn't be eating that much food but since I was easily outnumbered, I opted for the same John Cusack High Fidelity response.

Keeping all of this in mind, it didn't take much to bust my racially insensitivity radar monitor when I attended the White Stripes concert. This white couple who were pretty high from the ganja came up to me and asked me if I knew where the closest White Castle was located (just in case you are not aware, there is a movie called Harold and Kumar Goes to White Castle starring two Asians). I was so sick and tired of these movie and television references that I said "no but why don't you find a South Asian to ask (the Kumar character)". The girl responded, "what the fuck are you talking about?" I sheepishly told her about the Harold and Kumar movie and she replied that she's never heard of the movie and just wanted to know the closest White Castle since she was from Connecticut. So, for the first time in hundred times, my radar was off but I still found it odd that in a concert with mostly whites that she had to ask the Asian dude for the White Castle (because of course I still believe that my radar is quite accurate!). As I looked around that White Stripes concert as well as the 7 other concerts these past two weeks, I've discovered, ok, not really discovered since I've known this already but am reminded how racially segregated most of the concerts that I attend are. Music concerts just like churches, schools, neighborhoods, hospitals, and countless other institutions are racially segregated. This really disappoints me since many of the problems facing the world stem from the inability of understanding each other's cultures.

And, then, I thought what's the one institution where all people from all walks of life would congregate to enjoy any event. The only thing that I could think of is the institution of sports. For all of the evils that exists in sports (and there are numerous issues with sports), the one beautiful thing about it is that anybody can unite around a common team (professional, collegiate, high school, or amateur). In sports, people do not hate each other for the color of their skin but more for the color of their hat or t-shirt. Where else could the very wealthy and the very poor talk as equals? This is one of the main reasons why I love sports.

I think the one sport that truly embodies equality is bowling. Anyone with a pulse can throw a strike down a bowling alley just like a professional bowler. Can the average person hit a home run or dunk a basketball ball or throw a 50 year pass or slap a high speed hockey shot? NO. However, with bowling, on any given roll you too can be the next Pete Weber. My little nephew who is 3 years old can throw a strike (ok, that is only when the bumpers are up and it is more of a kick as suppose to a throw) but it is still a strike on the scorecard. Bowling is definitely the people's game!! Anyone from any walk of life can participate in the greatest game in the world. This is why I celebrate my birthday with a bowling party for the past 8 years. My bowling party represents the new diversity term for America which is the "tossed salad" (melting pot is no longer acceptable). We had the young and the old, (I am not naming names for the old but you know who you are) black, white, brown, and yellow (yeah, i hate using those colors but just wanted to fit with the theme of the tossed salad or melting pot whatever floats your boat). It was a beautiful night with wonderful friends at a glorious place. This is why the event is known as the BIGTIME BIRTHDAY BOWLING BASH. For this tremendous event, I am handing out awards for the Bigtime Birthday Bowling Bash for the first time in its eight year history. Here are the winners:

Most Impressive Journey to the Bowling Alley: Vinnie who drove from Boston and stayed for only two hours and drove right back to Boston. Major Props for that!!

Biggest Surprise Bowler: Michael Mancenido who just came in from the Dominican Republic where he was trying to set up an AIDS clinic

Most Improved Bowler with Beer: Lisa who continued to knock down more pins as she consumed more beer.

Most Improved Bowler since the last Bowlabash: Jeff. You and Tammy must have been practicing since the last year.

Rookies of the Year: Jackson Paulishen and my nephew Nathan who both opted for the kicking as suppose to bowling but it worked none-the-less.

Best Attendance Award: Jack and Michelle for arriving so early. I wasn't able to see you guys bowl so this was the only award that I could think of for you two, besides the fact that you guys gave me such a great gift for my big 3-0. Thanks again!!

The Legends Award: Judy Ginty who outclassed everyone with experience that she learned while bowling at Brookfield Lanes for all those years and major thanks for the "I had a Ball at Bowlerland" t-shirt.

The Ali Grace Kick in the Ass Award: Natalie for a swift kick to my ass for saying something negative but I can't remember what I said. Honorable mention to Michael Bent who slapped me pretty hard to distract my amazing bowling technique (of course, you are not going to win an award here since you won so many superlatives in high school).

Fastest Ball: Jason with 25 mph. Finally, something that you are good in since you are no good in tennis!!

The Endurance Award: Monica for lasting so long since you were so tired when you arrived.

Smoothest Bowler: Jo. While most people slam their balls on the floor when they bowl, Jo can throw the bowling ball without it making a noise when the ball hits the lanes. It was quite an impressive sight.

Most Competitive Award: Nanci who actually cheered when my little niece knocked down 3 pins in the final frame. Nanci, 30 years old, beat Zoe, age 5, by 6 pins in the first game.

Best Celebration: Simon who has yet to perfect the two handed high five.

Best Looking Bowling Ball: Thanh. You would think if you had a bowling ball for 15 years that you would be a better bowler!!

Best Dance Moves: Me of course! Who can dance better than me on the bowling lanes?

Best Leg Kick while Bowling: I rule in this category. I have yet to see a better leg kick while bowling than yours truly.

For those you who attended, thanks a bunch. You guys are too kind to join me on such a glorious night. Bowling makes the world a better place and you all definitely make my world a better place.

For those you who were unable to make it, I love you guys just the same. Although you were not physically there, you all were definitely there in spirit. In fact, you all were in my thoughts when I bowled my final ball at the Bowlabash and threw a beautiful strike.

Just like previous Bowlabash messages, let me give birthday wishes to the following:

Natalie- Sept. 30, Vu- Oct 2, Little Foster- Oct. 4, Kieran- Oct. 5, Jeff- Oct. 5, Kieran- Oct. 5, Christina- Oct. 6, Chien- Oct- 7, Me, Of Course- October 7th, My wonderful sister, Thanh- Oct. 8, Thomas- Oct. 19, Leo- Oct. 20, Chris- Oct. 20, Rich- Oct. 23, Tammy- Oct. 25, Victor- Oct. 31, Anne- Oct. 31, Dad- Nov. 1 (Fake birthday), Chu Vang- Nov. 1, and Cathy- Nov. 2.

If I forgot or missed your birthday in October, well, sorry and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! If it's not your birthday, Happy Birthday to you anyways because we should treat everyone like it is their birthday. If we did, then this would truly make this world a better place to live in.

Peace, Love, and Bowling Strikes,

-John

Concerts (September 2005)

2006-01-02T04:29:00.000-05:00

I just bought a book by Nick Hornby that chronicles his monthly book shopping habits and his desire to read those books in that same month but invariably he is unable to read them before he starts buying more books in the next month. Boy, if that isn't the story of my book reading habits then I don't know what is. I am the master of buying books and then not reading them or just read them halfway before I jump to something else either another book or school work or a concert or whatever my A.D.D. mind wanders off to. And, of course, I haven't read the Hornby book yet just like I haven't gone to the gym either but then, again, I have a very good excuse which is: "school work"! (What else would prevent me from reading this book or going to the gym?) Despite what I wrote in my last email, I actually have been quite busy with school work.

Although I must admit that the school work isn't what's killing me, I think my nights and weekends are doing a ton of damage on my ever increasing weak body (especially now that I am typing through the night and have to wake up in a hour or two at 5:30am). Will having this 50 year old-like body stop me from enjoying my last days of my swinging 20s? I doubt it. Once again, I am about to embark on another fall concert month starting this Friday when I head to New Haven's own Toad's Place to see Doves, then (maybe) Hurrricane Benefit concert, next the White Stripes one weekend and Beck with Belle and Sebastian the other weekend in Coney Island which is home to the 4th of July Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, Brenden Benson in NYC, John Mayer in Atlantic City, and finish off my three weeks of touring with a nice birthday gathering with my sister at Cirque du Soleil. I am a concert whore and you know what? I love every moment of it.

It has been brought to my attention that I am secretly trying to live my life like Nick Hornby since I have nearly all of his books (waiting for the most recent one to be out in paperback), hung out in North London where he currently resides, saw the school that he taught at in Cambridge (the same school that my friend's wife, Lizzie, attended), got driven by a taxi driver who once drove him around in Cambridge, and horribly attempts to write things in top 10 lists just like the master did in High Fidelity. All I can say to this notion that I want to be Nick Hornby is: SO WHAT!! I HAVE NO PROBLEM WANTING TO BE A SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT ENGLISHMAN IN HIS LATE 40s WHO LOVES MUSIC, SPORTS, MOVIES, BOOKS, AND WRITING!!!!!

In honor of the GREAT ONE, I have compiled a list of my top 10 favorite concerts:

10.) Nick Hornby at the Bowery Ballroom in NYC 2005. How could I not have the GREAT ONE listed for my top ten favorite concerts? I know what you are thinking, "how could an author have a concert?" Well, the GREAT ONE decided to read some of his writings about music while a backup band played that genre after he was done with each piece of writing. How cool is that? Pure genius!!!!

9.) White Stripes at Lupos in Providence, RI 2003. Jack White is a freak of nature. He totally shredded the place with his amazing guitar skills. I was actually a little deaf after the show but it was well worth it. I think the crowd totally felt the feverish music since there was a ton of fighting especially with the girls in front of me and another dude next to me passed out. Crazy night in Providence!!

8.) South at Central Park Summerstage in NYC 2002. I knew nothing about the band before heading there but ever so grateful that I was dragged there. It was one of those magical New York summer days in Central Park. The feeling was slightly better than beating Ali in Central Park in scrabble. I am still the champ!!

7.) Stellastarr at the Avalon in Boston 2004. I was actually at the show to see the Von Bondies but was blown away by this opening act. Just thinking about them in Boston makes me want to catch their NYC show during my birthday week (SPEAKING OF MY BIRTHDAY WEEK, PLEASE RESPOND TO THE EVITE FOR THE BIGTIME BIRTHDAY BOWLING BASH SINCE I HAVE TO RESERVE BOWLING LANES. IF YOU DON'T LIVE IN THE GREATER CONNECTICUT AREA, THEN I DIDN'T SEND YOU AN EVITE BUT THE EVITE IS DEFINITELY WORTH SEEING SINCE YOU GET TO SEE A PICTURE OF ME IN HIGH SCHOOL ON SENIOR CLASH DAY. JUST IN CASE YOU ARE WONDERING, NO, I DO NOT DRESS LIKE THAT!!).

6.) 10,000 Maniacs at UCONN in Storrs 1992. This could have been my first time on a college campus without my parents. After the show, 10,000 Maniacs were the first band that I was ever obsessed about. It was a brilliant day and nothing can ever beat watching the ever so beautiful Natalie Merchant singing, dancing, and twirling herself round and round.

5.) Solomon Burke at the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco 2005. Although I was brutally sick (this concert would have been ranked higher if I was healthier) while I was in SF, the concert was incredible because the King of Rock n' Soul blew the place up with his thunderous voice. My seats were so awesome because my cousin hooked me up with freaking amazing seats. If there is one artist on this list to see before they die, then it must be Solomon Burke. You won't be disappointed!! Although the man can't walk or stand, he can definitely sing and it is an absolute pleasure. It will undoubtably be a night that you won't forget.

4.) Bob Weir and Phil Lesh at the Jazz Fest in New Orleans 2002. Although it wasn't the best show that I saw of Phil Lesh, it was a great show because of the vibe in New Orleans and Bob Weir with the horns were pretty cool. I was in my slight Grateful Dead phase since my boy Brian was giving me the tour of the Dead members. (How is China? Give me an update!)

3.) Preservation Hall Band at Preservation Hall in New Orleans 1995. This is a hard concert to write about since I was there ten years ago in the heart of New Orleans with the American Red Cross doing disaster relief for the floods in 1995. I remember working with all those great people in New Orleans and now, more than ever, wondering how they are all doing. I wish I had the opportunity to help them out like I did when I was there ten years ago. However, it is good to know that one of my family members who I deeply admire is helping out with the relief efforts there. He drove his church bus down to New Orleans to rescue many mentally disabled people. They are now safe in my favorite sounding city, Baton Rouge. Although it may seem rather crude to segway back to the concert after discussing the floods in New Orleans but it does make sense to mention the concert again when you discover that my highlight for the night was when the band played Amazing Grace. I remember holding the people around me and swaying back and forth to the ever so sweet music. I just wish that such a great memory can be relived again by more people in the upcoming years in New Orleans.

2.) A man who is very political and kind is the next person on the list. His name is Michael Franti from Spearhead. I got to see him with his band at the Jazz Cafe in London 1997. It was a pumping night with flowing rhymes over those hypnotic beats. The crowd was tremendous by bouncing up and down all night. About seven years later, I ran into Michael Franti at the protest march in NYC with my buddy Jack and his wife Michelle. Jack was kind enough to snap a photo with me and my second favorite musical artist.

1.) Which lead us to number one and it is no surprise to discover that it is the one and only Badly Drawn Boy. I decided not to flood the top ten list with Badly Drawn Boy concerts but put my top five in the number one spot:

1E- Toronto '04- The show was sold out and I had no ticket but I drove 7 hours and the tour manager let me in for free so you know it was going to be a great night. Great crowd but they were a little crazy. So crazy that I couldn't watch the show in the crowd but I had to head backstage to watch the rest of the show after intermission.

1D-NYC '03 (Sorry Lynn not your favorite!) Great show and it was a lot of fun at the Bowery Ballroom. The ending was rocking and it seemed like it lasted forever which in this case is a great thing.

1C- NYC '02. My first Badly Drawn Boy show. After the show,I just remember being so blown away by it that I needed a cigarette to calm myself down. That's when I knew that I have seen my all-time favorite artist.

1B- Philly '04. The night started well when Damon took me out for Philly Cheese Steaks and then he proceeded to light the place on fire. OK, actually, it was a doll of George W. Bush that he light on fire in his pants but he still burnt the place down with his brilliant music.

1A- My All-Time favorite concert was Badly Drawn Boy at the Fillmore in San Francisco 2004. I don't know what happened that night but it just seemed like everything made sense that night. It was a Woolfian Moment of Being. It was just a great time all around from the opening band to the crowd responding to every move that Damon made to the vibe between the band members to the incredible music. I wish I could describe it better but I can't. It was just one of those nights that can't be duplicated and a night that I definitely won't forget.

So, there you have it!! Another top ten list for your reading pleasure! Usually, I am pretty exhausted when I finish writing these things but I am still a little wired. Maybe, I should read that Nick Hornby book but then again... maybe not. More late night television!! Thank goodness for the second episodes of Leno and Conan.

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll,
John Nguyen

Tips for London (September 2005)

2006-01-02T04:28:00.000-05:00

After my 10th email to some of my friends that I've neglected since coming back from London and being preoccupied with the start of school, I've decided to mass email the ones that I love and missed hearing from. However, if you haven't received one of my "sorry that I haven't corresponded" emails, let me recap those emails for all of you so everyone is caught up. The "sorry that I haven't corresponded" emails conveniently begins with "Sorry that I haven't corresponded with you in awhile" and then I begin with the two obvious excuses which are "London and the start of teaching". Honestly, I haven't been too busy with the start of school since I am teaching the same courses as last year so there hasn't been much preparation for this upcoming school year. However, since I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, I hide behind the usual September excuse which is the start of school but really I've busy building my fantasty football team and watching missed episodes of Laguna Beach, Entourage, and Sweet Sixteen. The other excuse "coming back from London" is almost laughable because how difficult is it to come back from another country when you were there for two weeks? All you have to do is unpack which takes at most one hour but since I really haven't unpacked from my vacation yet I honestly don't have a legitimate excuse as to why I haven't corresponded with my friends. (Just in case you are wondering, I've been back now for over two weeks. Yes, I am a lazy bastard!! Ok, I've unpacked but I don't consider throwing all of my dirty clothes in a corner of closet unpacking.)

The next part of the "sorry that I haven't corresponded" email usually goes like "London was great" or maybe to change things up I'll write "London rocked". So, I summed up my two weeks in London with two or three words which really doesn't explain anything (Just in case you are wondering what I did in England: attended my friend's amazing wedding, saw the incredible musical Billy Elliot, went to one of my favorite museums, Modern Tate Gallery, to see an exhibit of one of my favorite artists, Frida Kahlo, walked through a ton of parks-Regent's Park is my favorite, spent nearly a week in Cambridge, and finally went to a Cambridge United soccer match).

One of the more funnier followups to my statement "London rocked" was that I actual wrote to one of my friends who is heading to England in two days "let me know how your trip went". I am such an asshole writing that "London rocked" without any juicy details and then suggesting that my friend should fill me in on her trip. That's like inviting someone over to your house and not feeding them dinner and then when you go to their house you expect them to serve you dinner. She should respond to my impersonal email with "Manchester was great". (Yes, my friend Lynn who is heading to England in two days is on this mass email list and reading this very same email.)

So, in honor of my friend Lynn and anyone else who is heading to England in the upcoming years, I have compiled a list of tips to make your trip to England a little better:

1.) One of the first questions you'll hear will be "where are you from?". To the average Englishmen, you have two responses: New York or California. If you answer anything else, you'll have to explain how close it is to New York or California so you are better off just saying New York or California. However, if you meet someone a little more educated, then you could possibly tell them "Boston, Washington DC, Chicago, Texas, or Seattle" (OK, you are pushing it with Seattle but if they know what the WTO is then they should know where Seattle is. If you are American and you do not know what the WTO (World Trade Organization) is then you are just as bad as some of my students who don't know what country they live in or where the US is on a map.)

2.) Don't complain about the weather or the food! Everybody knows how bad their food is, even some of the starving children in Africa wouldn't want their food. You are going to England so just accept the fact that the best meal that you'll get is the Full English Breakfast besides that you'll get fish and chips. Honestly, I don't understand fish and chips. When was the last time that you ordered a piece of fish that was fried? (This question doesn't apply to people in Houston since they fry everything down there which is why it is the fattest city in the world.) I can't remember a time that I willingly wanted some fried fish. Can you? It's a big fat piece of fried fish with fries on the side. Ooooh, classy!!

And for the weather, just expect that it will rain and if it is sunny then you'll be happy. Come in with low expectations and you won't be disappointed. Don't be one of those people living in New England who complain about the winter weather wishing for the summertime and now you are complaining that it is too hot in New England with its 90+ heat with high humidity. You don't live in San Diego (I must admit that the weather in London while I was there was truly amazing. It was beautiful everyday with low humidity and in the 70s while New England was suffering from the tropical like weather).

3.) If the weather is great outside, the weather indoors in London during the summer sucks!!! There are times in my life that I am proud to be an American and I am definitely proud when we destroy our environment by using A/C like it will continue forever much like the way the United States used gasoline in the 90s. I LOVE my department stores to be so cold that when you walk by their opened doors during the high temperatures of the summer that the A/C will give you a chill while you are walking on the sidewalk. I don't know what it is but many of the stores in London had little or no A/C. This would not be tolerated in America nor should it be anywhere else in the world. My little tip to survive the hot temperatures in the department stores is that you should bring a bottle of water. Actually, you'll need a bottle of water wherever you go! From the hot department stores to the steamy subway trains or whenever you are about to buy anything in England since you are going to pass out when you realized that your US dollar means absolutely nothing in England. So, make sure you bring that bottle of water!!

4.) Speaking of the subway trains or the tube for the people who are familiar with London transit system, I have another tip when you are riding the trains. (I must say that it warms my heart to be writing a mass email about the London transit system again since I wrote my first mass email in 1997 while I was studying in London.) Although it can get very hot on the trains, close the vents on the train because the blackened air from the tunnels, which are suppose to cool the train down, will definitely get into your lungs. If you don't trust me, then blow your nose after a few trips on the train and your snot will be black. If you don't want to see black snot, then don't ride the subway or bring black tissues. I am not quite sure where you can get black tissues but I am sure somewhere in America will sell it.

5.) Whenever you go anywhere in the world, don't wear your American specific clothing like a Red Sox jersey with the name "Damon" on it. The only people who care about your Red Sox jersey on this planet are people from America and most of them don't really give a fuck about the Red Sox. The rest of world doesn't care nor are they impressed by your game day jersey. Basically, if you are wearing a jersey like that, you might as well write American Dumb Ass in place of Damon. One of my biggest tips for any American entering another country is not to act like an American. And don't be one of those backpackers who always hangs out with other people from your country. You are travelling to get away from your country not to meet another Red Sox fan. I must admit that I can't stand hearing Americans speak when I am in another country because I know sooner or later they'll say something really stupid to give Americans an even worse name than what we actually have.

6.) Even though I can't stand meeting Americans on my trips, I will absolutely defend America in conversations especially when it comes to arguing with the English. My tip when you meet a pompous Englishman who thinks everything in England is far more superior than America is just nod your head because you'll soon figure out that deep down inside all Englishmen want to be American (boy, I am going to receive a lot of shit from my boy Tom for that comment). I don't know why, maybe it is the A/C thing or the food thing. But, honestly, how can someone who hates America so much know every single detail about America? You know if he had the opportunity he would trade his shit little car and get a big ass American made car that guzzles a ton of gas (ok I know what you are thinking that he wouldn't at these gas prices but these current gas prices are still cheaper than the ones posted in Europe).

7.) Also, don't give the English an inch when it comes to arguing about comedies. Their comedies are not funny. I am sick of Hugh Grant as the bumbling, comedic leading man. He is not funny nor charming except for About a Boy but everything else he does is crap. Although most Englishmen wouldn't mention Hugh Grant when they defend British comedies, they would normally talk about their golden boy, Ricky Gervais, who did the Office. All I would recommend is just to nod when they mention either the Office or Ricky Gervais. And if someone asks you if you've seen it before, just nod because you don't want to sit through more episodes of boring English television. After that first question about the Office, nod to the next question which is have you seen Extras, the latest Ricky Gervais comedy. After nodding yes, just say that Extras isn't as good as the Office and you have carefully finished your discussion about English comedies without being forced to see another boring English program.

So, there you have it!! If you follow my advice, you will have an amazing time in London. You will survive many of the questions that plague Americans when travelling there. I hope you enjoyed my advice and sorry for not writing more mass emails recently but I've been really busy with the start of school and I am having a really hard time adjusting back to America after going to London. Please forgive me.

Sincerely yours,

John

Grocery Store Fun (August 2005)

2006-01-02T04:27:00.001-05:00

Hello my peeps!!
Have I forgotten how to write? Some would argue, rightfully so I might add, that I never really learned how to write (Damn you, Miss Karpich!). Have I lost the inspiration to write? Possibly or maybe it's just that I've been busy during my summer vacation. Will my long babbling emails continue? Of course, they will!! As long as Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas continues to win IFOCE competition after competition, then I will continue to write (by the way, she won the Bratwurst contest in Wisconsin with 35 Brats in 10 minutes and the Grilled Cheese competition in San Diego eating 21 1/2 grilled cheese sandwiches in 10 minutes this past weekend). How else will you guys survive these dog days of summer? What else will you do at work besides work, of course, which you really don't want to do? I am doing each and every one of you a service. Think of our time together today as my community service to you!! How can I serve you?
Well, since the last time I wrote, my tennis team completed their season of love with a perfect 0-18 record. We lost the most matches in the state but I can confidently say that we were by far the happiest team team in the great state of Connecticut. After coaching the season and staying in relatively good shape for about two months, I discovered recently that I've gained about 15 pounds (FUCKING INCREDIBLE! I am not saying that in a good way despite my previous email as the "Fat Bastard"). I am going to achieve the pathetic status as the Asian Marshmellow Man (For those of you who don't remember or who have forgotten, personally I think fat Asians look like marshmellow people. Please excuse my politically incorrect rhetoric.).
I've decided to attack this problem on two fronts: more exercise and reducing my food intake. First, I decided to join a gym. However, in the first month, I haven't gone once (pretty damn typical of the John Nguyen that you know and love!) BUT I do have an excuse. I haven't been around since I have been travelling so much. Today, I depart to London for two weeks for my friend's wedding (everyone wish Tom much love on his wedding!). Last weekend, I was in Philadelphia and the week before I was in NYC and Washington DC. So, really, I couldn't go to the gym but then, I know what you guys are thinking, why would I want to join a gym during the summer? Because I know that I am such a lazy bastard (again, same old John) when school starts that I probably won't do it when I return from London so I thought the best thing to do was to register before I left so I can work off all the fish and chips that I eat over there. By the time that I return, I probably would gain 20 pounds since the end of the tennis season.
And, now for the food intake portion of the email! In order to reduce the amount of crap that I eat, I've decided to not go grocery shopping once a week or every other week but rather once a day. Why? Well, I've discovered that the more I buy from the grocery store, the more I eat once I get home. The less food one has at home, then the less one can eat. After going to the grocery store so many times recently, I discovered a few things that I really lilke and dislike about the grocery store:
1.) Why can't ALL grocery stores have the same set-up? Grocery stores should have a uniform set up. When you go in, the left side should always be the fruit and vegetable section. The right side should always be the frozen foods. The very middle should be the fake bookstore and crappy school supples with a place to buy or rent cheesy Disney videos.
2.) The bread section should NOT be at the far end of the store. It should be right next to the register. Eliminate the trashy magazines and candy. The items next to the register should be all the stuff that we forgot to buy that were on our list of items to get. I don't know but it seems that the only stuff that I need are at the ends of the store.
3.) I think the aisle that really needs to be at the far ends of the store are the toxic cleaning supplies and the car maintenance stuff because if any of that stuff leaks from the shelves, I don't want to be tasting the new improved Mr. Clean Vinaigrette on my salad mix.
4.) Speaking of salad dressings, I think Ranch or Thousand Island or any other thick looking salad dressing should be BANNED from all grocery stores. Yes, I know that many of you guys LOVE the Ranch or those other ones but salad dressing should not be heavier than the actual salad itself. It never feels right when I swallow those thick salad dressings. Ranch, in particular, reminds me of the white version of oil (you know, black oil in those large barrels which cost over $60 now not the oil you put on salad which I approve of because I think salad dresssings should be clear). It must be me or something but I think one of the main reasons why I don't like to eat Ranch is because it somewhat reminds of semen (aaaaaaah, that moan you hear from the audience is the sound that everyone makes when John crossed the line that many of you did not want to be crossed!).
5.) Where does one go after a comment like that? None other than the meat section. Is it just me or do you still feel so stupid grabbing one of those numbers off the ticket dispenser? Before I grab it, I look around to see if anyone else is holding those dumb little numbers. Then when I do get one, it feels like the meat and cheese counter people don't even pay attention to the numbers. The dude behind the counter will just say "next" and then you feel even dumber because now you have the worthless piece of paper that says you are number 78. What a waste!! If this isn't a worthless bureaucratic system then I don't know what is!!
6.) Not that I wish evil on people but for those really, really mean pricks behind the meat and cheese counters, I occasionally hope that they'll lose a little thin piece of their finger in the meat/cheese slicer (which was a major worry of mine when I operated one of those machines while I was in college). I just wish that those guys who are so pissed off at the world and treat you like crap because you are asking them to do their job by slicing the deli cuts or cheese just a little thinner would lose a part of their finger in the meat/cheese slicer. I am not saying that they should lose a complete finger but just the portion above the finger nail. That isn't alot, is it?
7.) When I use the restrooms in the grocery stores, I can't stand the sign that says "employees must wash their hands". Yes, I know it is a state law but I think those signs are sooooooo stupid. Even if they didn't, how would we know!!! I am not staying in a restroom to see who does and does not wash their hands. Don't get me wrong, I am not advocating workers not washing their hands after going into the restrooms but if they make a sign for that, how about making a sign that reads "employees will NOT cough in their hands when serving you" or "employees will NOT cough in your food while slicing your meat or cheese". I am not a major germophobe but I can't stand when people cough and not cover your mouth especially when they are serving you food. I have enough students who cough into their hands and shake my hand before the start of class that I don't need more germs from grocery store workers.
8.) I must admit that I LOVE the self-checkout registers. I know it is bad for workers but it is so much fun to use the scanners. I love the beeping noises. Truly, a beautiful sound!! However, why is it before I enjoy the wonder of the scanner that there is some idiot who doesn't know how to operate the self checkout machine? How difficult is it to scan a bag of chips (of course, the degree of difficulty goes up when you are scanning fruit or vegetables since you have to weigh it and punch in the code)? If you don't know how to use the machine then you shouldn't be allowed to operate a moving vehicle!!
9.) Why are 24 hour grocery stores that are supposed to be opened 24 hours a day, 7 days a week CLOSED on Mondays at 12:01 am to 6:00 am? Why can't they do what they normally do on the other days during graveyard shift as they can when the store is closed during early Monday mornings? Not that I expect many of you to relate to this comment but have you guys ever entered a grocery store at two in the morning on a Wednesday? Very scary!! Although if you want to do the same kind of people watching that you can do in a psychiatric ward, then the grocery store at two in the morning is the place for you!!!
10.) Do I really need a number ten since this email was so freaking long? Well, probably not!! I am sure after reading this email that many of you are just as tired as I am since I've stayed up ALL night so I can sleep on the plane to London.
Peace, Love, and Balsamic Vinaigrette,
-John Nguyen

Star Wars Ads (May 2005)

2006-01-02T04:27:00.000-05:00

It's near the end of the school year and teachers around the world are counting things down in their heads. I am counting a ton of things down like the obvious (27 days although the last two weeks are nothing because of finals and grading), my 30th birthday (145 days away for all of you bowling enthusiasts out there. I am expecting more people this year since it is my 30th!), the end of the tennis season which is starting to become known as the "season of love" (5 days away and I am making t-shirts that will have on it "Spring 2005 - the season of love: 0-18"), and the opening of the last chapter of the Star Wars story (which is 5 days away as well).

I am starting to get really psyched about this final chapter. Everything is pointing to a superb closing. The only bad thing about this movie is probably the marketing. I can't stand watching Darth Vader pretending to be some fool's father so he can get a piece of the fool's winnings from Burger King. Or how about those dumb slurpee ads that come from the "dark side"? I must admit that the M&M's are kinda funny when Darth Vader kills off one of the M&M's for disobeying him but these other advertisements like Pepsi or Pop Tarts or Fruit Snacks really suck! Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith advertisements are killing me. I am starting to wonder what George Lucas won't sell himself to. So, in honor of teachers everywhere who are counting down the days, I have compiled a list of items that I would like for George Lucas to sell himself out to:

5.) I think Sears and George Lucas should work together on the the Light Saber Laser Line Leveler. You know those ads in the middle of night when you've see the laser beam that goes straight across your wall so you can hang pictures up without it being crooked or it can help you hang things in a diagonal fashion. And you know the best thing about the Light Saber Laser Line Leveler is that the laser can go around corners just in case you have two wall switches next to each other around the corner. How awesome is that? I know I am not a handyman but after watching those ads I want to buy the laser leveler so I hang pictures around my place.

4.) Speaking of late night programs, I must admit that I am really enjoying the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (I would have shot myself for saying something like this a few years ago because I am such a huge Conan O' Brien fan but Fergie is growing on me.). One of the things that I've learned recently was something called "neuticles" which are natural and polyprophylene testicle implants for neutered cats, dogs, horses, and cattle. They have been created to help your pet "retain his natural look, self-esteem, and aids in the trauma associated with neutering" (quoted from www.neuticles.com). Really, there is nothing I can write to make that funnier since it is already so freaking hilarious. However, to stick with my Star Wars theme, then the new neuticles must be called the Chewy Neuticles because if I was a neutered dog then I would love to have Chewbacca balls implanted in me to help me retain my natural look and regain my self-esteem after being so horribly neutered.

3.) I suppose with my new Chewy neuticles and all then I would prefer it if George Lucas and Trojan condoms would combine their powers to make Star Wars condoms. They could come in sizes of "Darth Vader, Storm Trooper, and my size Yoda" (Aren't you all glad that I have no shame? It took a long time to type that sentence because I was laughing so hard at the yoda joke!)

2.) And I must not leave the ladies out of these new Star Wars products like the neuticles and the condoms so I've heard that George Lucas and the FDA (Food Drug Administration) is coming out with a new contraceptive called the R2-D2-RU-486. Nothing can penetrate the little R2-D2-RU-486. Although since many of the Star Wars fans are really geeks and nerds then I suppose that these last two products won't be best sellers.

1.) Keeping with the Star Wars and government theme, the Republican Party in Washington DC will now be known as the "Dark Side". Chancellor Palpatine will be played by Dick Cheney. Count Dooku will be acted by the corrupt Representative Majority Leader Tom Delay and General Grievous is Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist who is trying to cheat by changing the rules for a filibuster when it comes to judicial nominees. Let us hope that there will be more Lando Calrissians who will join up the fight against the Dark Side after initially allying with them.

May the Force Be With You!
-Little Yoda

Bologna (May 2005)

2006-01-02T04:25:00.000-05:00

Happy Cinco De Mayo, Mi Muchachos!!

It's another week and I had another weird incident at a local store. This time I was getting my prescription filled at the wonderful Rite Aid in New Haven, CT (home to the winless Hillhouse Tennis team. 0-29 since I've been coaching for the past two years!!). I went to the pharmacist and I decided to chat it up a little more than normal since she was Vietnamese and I decided to do my duty and talk to more Asians this month because it is Asian American Heritage Month and all. She got some information from me and asked me where I lived and she told me that she and her husband used to live near my parents in Danbury. Then, she asked me the question that I most dread from anyone who is Vietnamese which is, "do you speak Vietnamese?". I shamefully said "no"! However, if I want to leave the conversation with a little self respect, then I sometimes respond that I can understand some Vietnamese but I now realized that response makes me sound more pathetic so I said nothing after no and quietly left the pharmacy. OK, that isn't the disturbing part!! So, I came back to the pharmacy after school ended to pick up the prescription. It was the same woman from before. She recognized me and we chat some more. I grabbed my prescription and got into the car. I checked the label and all and discovered that she has placed an additional sticker on the bottle that said, "warning: do not take if pregnant". This sticker doesn't come with the bottle. She placed this sticker next to my name. OK, the pharmacist saw me. She talked to me. She knows that I am a man (ok, in some circles, this is debatable) and yet she still placed this additional sticker on my prescription. What is up with this? Does she know something that I don't if I am on this medication? This definitely beats the woman the other day in 7-11 saying "oh my god" when she saw my ID. How is it that I mean these weird people?

Speaking of weird people, I had to take the weirdest guy from work to get his blood tested yesterday (before any rumors start, his blood test has nothing to do with me!!). He got it done near St. Raphael's Hospital in New Haven, CT (did I already mention that New Haven is the home of the winless Hillhouse Tennis Team? Our slogan this year is "the drive for 0 and 35!"). Anyways, every time that I go by St. Raphael's I remember the good old days when I used to sing to the patients with a volunteer group. Singing there nearly revitalized my singing career. I think I would have continued my singing career if I got some musical coaching from the one and only Paula Abdul. Boy, did you see the Primetime Live last night? Me thinks that Paula will not be back next year at American Idol!! If you didn't see the Primetime Live special last night, then let me quickly recap: a former contestant said that he received coaching from Paula Abdul. He said that she bought him clothes, helped select the songs for him to perform, had many midnight sessions on the phone and at her place, gave him some medication to help soothe his voice, got his hair done, and had sexual relations with the then 38 year old Paula Abbul (yes, I know another sexual relationship involving a Paula). To back his claims, he had old clothing receipts, phone records, the bottle medication with Paula's name on it that helps soothes people's voices. The only thing missing from this investigation was a blue dress. I can't wait to see how Paula's people spin these allegations especially since our boy, Corey Clark, has written a book and song about the whole ordeal (quick aside: the most annoying thing about the investigation was hearing his song over and over and over again.)

Despite the annoying song, the investigation was sooooo good. I think the best thing about the investigation is that the media's attention will now focus away from that foolish runaway bride in Georgia, Jennifer Wilbanks. Although I must say that I really, really hope that this woman gets some criminal charges against her since she screwed over her family, fiance, and the neighbor with the unnecessary searches and expenses. I remember watching television on Friday when everyone in her town was starting to believe that she was dead. How could she not tell anyone about her plans? How could she jump on a bus to Las Vegas and then to New Mexico without mentioning a word to anyone? That is so messed up. Let me state for the record that if I ever leave a location because I didn't want to get married and everyone thought I was dead then I would never return to face you guys. I would be too embarrassed to admit it and face the shame and scorn from everyone who was looking for me. If I was her, I would be on the Las Vegas strip somewhere either selling my body or in New Mexico becoming a human mule for drugs or maybe even bologna smuggler!!

I know what you are thinking "BOLOGNA! Why would anyone want to smuggle bologna?" I can't answer that question but all I know is that border agents seized 756 pounds of bologna in shape of a car seat where little Mexican children were sitting on the bologna shaped car seat in El Paso, TX (finally, a Mexican reference for the cinco de mayo email!). These border patrolmen are pretty amazing! Who would know to look underneath a blanket covering a car seat and then discovered that it was made out of bologna? I know that if I was a border patrolman and saw little children sitting on a car seat, I would let them pass through the borders with a hassle. I guess this is why I would be the drug mule or the bologna smuggler rather than the border patrolman. After reading this article, this makes me want to become a vegetarian now since I am now not quite sure if little Mexican children are sitting on my lunch meats in shape of a car seat before it enters our country. Imagine eating that meat!! This really makes me happy that I don't live in Houston with my relatives with such suspicious meat!! (Is this why the pho takes so good at the trailer? Just a private joke for my relatives in Houston!) However, if I ever did eat that meat, then I would probably be at St. Raphael's Hospital in immense pain taking a ton of prescription drugs from Rite Aid or something like that.

(This email would be over now but since I am doing a little request from my friend in England, the email continues!)

Or who knows, if you ever did eat such suspicious meats like the 756 pound bologna car seat, then you might reach a high that no such drug could ever touch. These moments are completely dangerous since you are not expecting to get high and then the sensation slams you down even harder. Such was the case on May 1, 1997, when I grabbed a couple pints of Carlsberg Special Brews to watch first Labour victory in a British election in some 20 years. I always love watching election results with a couple of beers in hand (I normally don't watch the British election results but since I was in London and all I decided to keep the US tradition alive and well overseas). So I pounded the Carlsberg Special Brews back in about 30 minutes. Then I realized that I was hurting rather quickly and soon discovered that the alcohol content was about 15-20% instead of the usual 5% for regular Carlsberg. I now know why the "special brew" is named "special brew". Now, my buddy Tom from England who is getting married this summer wants me to mention the British election which is being held today. All I can say is that since I am the typical American who watches too much television involving American Idol and other British reality show ripoffs then I must admit that I haven't been paying attention to the troubles of Mr. Blair (who won on May 1, 1997 for my Americans readers who are aware of British politics). The little British politics that I do know is that Mr. Blair is definitely W.'s bitch (I apologize for my politically incorrect language and hopefully Verizon will not block this email for such language!). Let hope that the smaller election margin will serve as a wake up call to the Labour party. Hopefully, the Labour party will remember what it means to be the Labour Party again. Sadly, the Democrats have forgotten what it means to be a Democrat. If neither party remembers their true nature, then we will have a long Republican and Tory reign in the upcoming decades. There isn't enough Carlsberg Special Brews or bologna or prescription drugs or bad reality shows to prepare you for such bodily harm if this scenario happens.

Long live Labour,
-John

Angelina Jolie v. Jennifer Aniston (April 2005)

2006-01-02T04:22:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone,

I was going to change the pace of my mass emails by focusing on some important issue like the 30th anniversary of the fall of Saigon, the selection of the Pope, or Senator Frist's attempt in changing the rules of a filibuster for judicial nominees. However, when I attempted to write about one of these topics, my mind was unable to focus. I think I've been too focused on the latest photos of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie at a beach in Africa. I am stunned to know that the news of their relationship is soooooo true. In this Friday's US Weekly, there will be 14 pages devoted to the couple playing on the beach and making sandcastles. There are reports from the US Weekly reporter Katrina Szish that they stayed in a $4,000 a night beachfront villa in Kenya.

How could America's couple of Brad and Jen be destroyed by the likes of a temptress like Ms. Angelina Jolie? Is our world coming to an end? First the pope dies, next the television series Revelations wins the ratings war for Wednesday night, and a few weeks ago Amityville Horror is the number #1 movie in America. Satan must be having the time of his life!! (OK, my apologies to BEST WEEK EVER on VH1 for stealing that setup and punchline!) Anyways, in honor of one of my favorite shows on television right now "The Contender", I am going to have a tale of the tape between Ms. Jennifer Aniston and Ms. Angelina Jolie.

Movie Career:

Jennifer Aniston - Leprechaun, The Object of My Affection, and Office Space
Angelina Jolie - Pushing Tin, Gone in 60 Seconds, Girl Interrupted, Lara Croft, and Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
Despite Ms. Jolie's Academy Award for Girl, Interrupted, her other movies really sucked. The only reason why someone would watch Pushing Tin, Gone in 60 Seconds, Lara Croft, or the Sky Captain is to check out what outfit Angelina was wearing as suppose to the plot of any of these movies. Jennifer Aniston in Office Space was pure movie magic. When the Bravo channel showed Office Space the other day, it listed it in their programs as 5 Star Cinema (OK, I am not that crazy to list that movie as 5 star cinema but it is a damn good movie). Also, Leprechaun is one of the best scary movies in the 90s. The big thing about that movie was having Mike Myers in Wayne's World imitate the Leprechaun by shining a flashlight to his face and saying "I'M the LEPRECHAUN!!!".

Winner: Jennifer Aniston. Aniston 1. Jolie 0.

Television Career.

Jennifer Aniston - Friends and Ferris Bueller
Angeline Jolie - No roles.
Anyone who would bastardized the great movie of Ferris Bueller by being in the television version of this amazing movie should never act again on television. Sadly, they gave Ms. Aniston another role as Rachel in Friends where she helped to terrorize America every Thursday night (Boy, I am losing support here since so many of you guys love Friends. I'll acknowledge that Friends had some really great episodes . However, they had more bad shows than good shows and the ending was horrible when she comes off the plane to meet up with Ross again. Pathetic!!!). Sometimes it is better to not take a role as suppose to take every crappy role available.

Winner- Angelina Jolie. JA - 1. AJ - 1.

Previous Partners or Husbands.

This is no brainer. Ms. Jolie with Billy Bob was one of the more creepier relationships to witness in Hollywood. However, there was no other weirder moment in Hollywood when Ms. Jolie and her brother walked down the red carpet. I mean love my sister and all but I don't LOVE her like a partner. Angelina and her brother appeared to be LOVING each other. Weird. Ms. Aniston was previous reported to be with Tate Donovan (don't know who he is), Adam Duritz (lead singer of Counting Crows), and Noah Wyle. Actually, this is a lot closer than I initially thought because anyone who would want to date that weirdo from Counting Crows has some issues themselves.

However, the winner must be Jennifer Aniston. JA - 2. AJ - 1.

Acting Father.

Jon Voight v. John Aniston from Days of Our Lives and Telly Savalas who is her godfather. Two words: Midnight Cowboy.

Winner - Angelina Jolie. JA- 2. AJ - 2.

Education.

Jennifer Aniston took night classes and studied psychology. Aniston attended Rudolph Steiner School. Angelina Jolie also attended night classes at NYU and studied film. Jolie went to Lee Strasberg Theater Institute at age 11. Did Jolie pick up all of her acting ability when she was 11? Is this why she was good at playing a teenager in Girl, Interrupted? Does this explain why she can't act as an adult in any of her current roles?

Winner - Jennifer Aniston. JA 3. AJ -2.

Awards Won.
Aniston won 3 awards for her crappy role as Rachel (1 - Golden Globe; 1- SAG; 1 Emmy). Jolie won 9 awards ( 3 Golden Globes; 3 lesser known awards; 2 SAG Awards; 1 Oscar). Jolie won those awards for 3 different characters. Again, another no brainer.
Winner - Angelina Jolie. JA -3. AJ -3.

Charitable Work
Jennifer Aniston occasionally does some work with trendy Hollywood organizations especially around Earth Day. However, Angelina Jolie is the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees Goodwill Ambassador. She has traveled to Sierra Leone, Tanzania, Kosovo, Thailand, and Cambodia where she adopted her 3 year old son Maddox. Ms. Jolie also traveled to Washington DC to speak to the National Council for the Social Studies in 1999 when a young, handsome intern from the great state of Connecticut was in attendence that fine spring day. All I have to say to Ms. Jolie is "you adopted one Asian boy. Why can't you adopt me as well?"

Winner - Angelina Jolie.

Overall champion - Angelina Jolie. Final Score - AJ - 4. JA -3.

You can see by the close score that Mr. Brad Pitt must have had a hard time choosing between these two amazing people. However, if you break these two ladies down in the these 7 categories, then it is a no brainer that Ms. Angelina Jolie is definitely the better choice. Good luck, America's Latest Sweethearts!! May your days be as glamorous as the 3 nights that you spent in Kenya.

World order is now restored!! Thank you Brad and Angelina for giving us, Americans, something to look forward to in the supermarkets and on the entertainment information programs and channels. Now that you two are finally together, we will not be alone. We will not be alone. We will not be alone.

Peace and Love and Brad & Angelina,
-John

Must See Television (April 2005)

2006-01-02T04:21:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone!!!

Today is one of the greatest days of year because it is the start of my spring break. Although I don't get a real spring break because I am coaching tennis this year, I am having a mini-spring break by heading into NYC for a Mets game, poetry opera, and a little scrabble for this weekend. Before I head into NYC, I decided to get a pack of cigarettes at the local 7-11. (Before I get your nasty anti-smoking emails, I am not a hard core smoker. It is just for my leisure activities!) The woman behind the counter decided to card me. I laughed at her and told her that it was too early in the morning for teenagers to be up to buy cigarettes (exact time: 6:10 am). I gave her my driver's license and as she checked she literally said, "OH MY GOD!". I smiled and went back into my car with my newly purchased Marlboro Lights. Then I thought why in the world did she say "Oh my God" in such a negative tone. Was it because she couldn't believe how beautiful I looked in my driver's license photo? Or was it because she was shocked about how old I was? As much I would like to believe that it was the former, it was probably the latter. Crap, am I really getting that old? I suppose I am since the number of gray hairs are increasing and my body is hurting a lot more after tennis practices. Even my mass emails, as noted by my wonderful fans, are being a little more nostalgic than normal. I guess I've been reminiscing about my glory days a little too much lately. So, let me continue since I am turning 30 this grand year:

Remember how great television was on Thursdays on NBC. You know, MUST SEE TV!! Now, it is absolutely crap! I want the golden days of Thursdays past with the Cosby Show, Family Ties, Night Court, Cheers, Seinfeld, and even the occasional Friends episode. Don't give me that bull about the Apprentice! The Apprentice sucks and ratings prove it! Survivor still does better than the Apprentice. However, nothing beats the bewilderbeast of American Idol. I can't believe how crazy people get about this silly version of Star Search. There have been more controversies about the voting process than the actual presidential election. How is this possible? Isn't it more important to get the voting procedures done properly and fairly in Ohio and Florida than whether or not the phone numbers are accurately displayed underneath the correct singer (which by the way is a great ratings ploy by FOX so they can show American Idol another time in order to get more advertising revenue!)? This greatly sickens me!!

However, I don't think nothing sickens me more right now than Britney Spears. I am so tired of this woman and her leech of a husband. I am beginning to hate them so much that I am wishing that Mr. Britney Spears will do the same thing to Britney as he did to his former wife which is, just in case you missed it, to leave his wife while she is pregnant. I so don't care about Britney's pregnancy but wherever I turn I will see some program mentioning her pregnancy. You would think that the entertainment news programs will be enough coverage for this media whore. NOOOOO!!! Britney and Mr. Britney will be following the prestigious path of Nick and Jessica by having their very own reality show. They will pollute our lives on two channels, UPN and MTV and you know MTV will show this program as many times as they show 50 Cent House Party episode. UPN has carefully selected the time slot right after the goliath American Idol which is Tuesday at 9:00pm. UPN is trying to capitalize on the pinheads who watch American Idol (I know I shouldn't call my family and friends who watch American Idols pinheads but deal with it just for this one mass email!). Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeassssssssse DON'T WATCH THIS FUCKING PROGRAM!!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssseeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

Instead on Tuesdays at 9:00pm, change the channel to NBC and revisit the golden days of television by watching the best show on television right now, SCRUBS!!!!! This is the only show that can make you laugh your ass off and then pull at heartstrings to warm your heart and finish you off by making you think. It is without a doubt the best program on the television!!! It stars the amazing Zach Braff, who recently wrote, directed, and starred in the male chick flick "Garden State". The best moment in Garden State was when Natalie Portman and Zach Braff were in the pool and they spoke about the moment in your life, "when you realize that the house you grew up in isn't your home anymore. And then all of a sudden, even though you have some place to put your shit in, this idea of home is gone. It's like you are homesick for a place that doesn't exist." Many of my friends who are at this point in their life are feeling the same emotions as the characters in Garden State. Questions of finding the right job, partner, and place to live continue to plague some of my friends and family as well as myself. We go from job to job in hopes of finding the perfect place and we do same with our partners and homes until we hopefully make the right choice. Is this uncertainty caused by the fact that we are we seeking the unseekable?

I am not quite sure. I only hope that when the opportunity is available that I will be able to recognize it. I hope that I seize the opportunity in the same brave way as a guy that I met recently who tattooed himself with the zip (postal) code of NW6 3ET which is the zip code for northwest London, of course minus the alcohol when he got the tattoo. Now, I don't wish to ever get a tattoo but I think it is romantically poetic to have a location tattooed to yourself because it is an exact location of where you want to be. The love for the location should be as permanent as the tattoo. The tattoo works for a location as suppose to writing a person's name because the location you choose can never reject you while the person you love can always change their mind and then you look foolish with someone's name on your body while you are dating someone else.

Maybe when Scrubs is on the air for 10+ years, they will have an episode about a tattoo of a location. If they do, then you better believe that it would be a whole lot funnier than this mass email. So, each and every one of you guys MUST watch Scrubs INSTEAD of the Britney and Mr. Britney reality show. Even if you don't watch television at that time period, just turn your television on or cable box to NBC and leave it on for 30 minutes. If you don't and we get more episodes of B & B than Scrubs, I am going to smoke something more dangerous to my body than cigarettes like crack!!! Save me by watching Scrubs!!

Peace and Love, People!
-John

College Days (April 2005)

2006-01-02T04:20:00.000-05:00

Many of my friends are turning 30 this year. Whenever one of them turns 30, I usually ask them whether or not they feel old. They almost always say no. I usually respond by saying that mentally I feel about 20 while physically I feel like my body is turning 50. Although when I was at USC with my little cousin a few weeks ago, I definitely felt old. Actually, really OLD!!!! Sadly, being there with so many young people, I must admit that there were a few things about college that I definitely missed. Here is the another list for my cheeky monkeys out there:

I miss having white boards on my door. I think everyone should have white boards on their homes. If you stop by, you can write on their house white board that you were there and to have them call you back when they get back. You can write it in the upper left hand corner in a diagonal fashion so they'll have to turn their head a little when reading it. The greatest thing about the white board is the marker. Yeah, you tie the marker with a piece of string to keep it near the white board but it usually got ripped off during a night of drinking so you can write on the drunk person. There simply isn't enough writing on people with markers. I guess the closest thing we get to having print on our bodies is when you go out to a bar and they mark your hand with a marker or a stamper. (Is there nothing more embarrassing when you forget to wipe that off your wrist and someone the next day sees on your hand? This is really bad when you "teach" students the next day!!)

I suppose it was really cool to drink when you were underage. Now, drinking doesn't really matter that much for us now but don't you remember the fun of getting away with it. I suppose I enjoyed it the most since I really did look underage which is why I still get carded wherever I go now. Although, I think I felt rather stupid when I helped my little cousin's friend sneak a drink at a bar. I am too old for this bullshit.

Speaking of drinking, I miss the smell of beer in the bathroom or in the hallways in the morning. The smell still makes me a little queasy but, at the same time, it is a very reassuring odor. Although if you want that feeling, then i would recommend to walk on the streets of New Orleans in the morning.

I miss cheap pizza night. I miss pooling our money together for a couple of slices of thin cardboard pizza. Aaaaah, the good old days!!!

To steal a line from Avenue Q, I miss the school meal plan. I hate cooking so a little extra food from the mess hall wouldn't be so bad. I also miss drinking soda out of 4 glasses during one sitting. I was SO lazy back then!! (Yeah, I know I am still lazy now but I was really bad back then) You know you were lazy at UCONN when you would eat a big meal at McHahon (sp?) Hall cafe and you enjoyed your fattness while you were watching all of those people working out in the exercise room right above you. (Sorry UCONN specific joke there!)

Don't you remember how tired you were after a long day of classes? How long did you stay in class for? Maybe 3 or 4 hours? Boy, those were the good old days!!! 3 or 4 hours of work!!!! I miss those days. OK, I wasn't really smart enough to have about 8 hours of class during a day but if you did have 8 hours of class for one day then that meant you probably had a four day weekend or something. Again, what a rough life!!

I miss walking up five flights of stairs in the library and getting a little winded when I got to the top story. I hated the elevators at school and I still hate using them at my current school (Funny enough, one of the students who was probably skipping class got stuck in the elevator on Friday). I felt rather healthy walking around campus so much. However, I suppose I have a funny walk since people would see my dirty white Hornets hat bob up and down while I trotted through the campus. People could see me from a mile away. Sadly, my students have imitated this walk during one of my classes.

One of the best things about being on campus was that all the parties were in walking distance. Now, you have to worry about not drinking too much so you can drive back home unless you are in a city. Although I am starting to discover that being on a train or on the subway is not always the best thing to do when you are hammered since all the shaking on the train can upset your stomach. Another thing about the parties on campus is that you would always tranport things (ok, I mean beer) in your Jansport backpack or any other two strap backpack! I miss my backpack!!! You really don't see people our age wearing backpacks. They usually have a message bag or a brief case or something like that NOT a backpack. (Oh, I am going to hear it from you backpack wearers just like I heard it from you NPR people!)

I miss decorating my walls with magazines pictures. When did this art of decoration end? I remember my freshmen year wall being decorated with the picture of Natalie Merchant's Rolling Stone cover and a picture of John McEnroe. (Mike, you still don't have those pictures on your closet door, do you?)

I miss watching tv on a nightly basis with about 10 other people. I remember MTV would always be on. You know you are getting old when MTV doesn't really appeal to you anymore. I thought I was becoming that way until I started to watch the Inferno 2, Power Girls, Making the Band 3, Punk'd, and Pimp my Ride also the 50 Cent House Party (that was just for Annie and Courtney!!).

I miss having to rub my student ID so it could run properly through any machine that needs to read it. How many of you people still have their college ID on them? Why are we holding onto something that is long gone?

Oh, mine and your college days are long gone. If you don't believe me, then go to a college party. You'll definitely feel old. The stupid shit that you enjoyed so much is college is now just plain stupid.

Peace and Love,
John

The Vice President (March 2005)

2006-01-02T04:19:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone!!

It's been two weeks since Valentine's Day and let me say that I had a wonderful time with the "little dick". However, who knew if you spent time with a little dick that you'll become a bigger dick. Recently, after making fun of my department head, my colleague (rightfully so) called me out for being such a dick. So, in honor of my beloved colleague and his wonderful wife who will be celebrating her 40th birthday in Paris next Friday (which is four days after my mom's birthday and ten days after my friend's mom), I am going to write this mass email as the dick I am. I am calling out the people that piss me off, here is the latest list:

After spending the last week in California, I've decided that Californians really piss me off. I can't stand the fact that they continue to complain about their record rain fall. Listening to Californians complain is like listening to a wealthy person complain about losing money in the stock market while they have millions in assets elsewhere. Get a grip people!!! Without the rain, you wouldn't be able to enjoy the beautiful GREEN hills!!

Staying in California, what is the deal with the Oscars? Many of the Hollywood Beat writers, actors, and, most notably, Sean Penn came to the defense of Jude Law because Chris Rock was making fun of him during the monologue. However, why wasn't there anyone coming to the defense of Cuban Gooding Jr.? I guess it is funny to make fun of someone who is really a bad actor who was fortunate enough to get a stereotypical black professional athlete role but it is not cool to make fun of someone who happens to be in so many roles last year. Sometimes jokes are funny because they are not true. You know, you kid because you love!! Oversensitive Hollywood Fools!!!!

Do you know what is worse than an oversensitive Hollywood fool? Being a pretentious wine drinker who worships the movie "Sideways". I am so tired of people quoting this movie whenever someone opens a bottle of wine. I do not want to hear about pinot noir!!! From this day forward, I will ALWAYS buy merlot whenever I attend a party so I can find the first pretentious fucker to give a smug look and quote from "Sideways" about how Miles (Paul Giamatti) does not want to drink merlot.

An equally annoying group are the people who ALWAYS say that the book is better than the movie. Well, duh! You can include a lot more in a book than a movie. Think of a movie as another form of artistic expression than an exact replica of the book. I think the sigh before somone telling you that the book is much better than the movie is more annoying than a smug look from a wine drinker.

Another group that I am starting to hate are the people who think that radio is so much better than television. And when they mention radio, they really only mean NPR. However, all of radio is much worse than television since it is a more hateful form of media than television. How else can you explain the four hour formats of Rush Limbaugh, G. Gordon Liddy, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, and Bill O' Reilly? At least with television, you only have to tolerate some of these fools for a maximum of one hour. Yes, there is crappy television!! Yet, it is not nearly as damaging to America as the hateful messages presented on the radio.

I think another reason why I hate the radio so much is because they stopped playing music. When did this happen? I am so tired of hearing commercials and the morning radio crew. And if they do play music, it is crappy pop music which is repeated over and over and over again. When did Clear Channel communications become the radio god? With the lack of music, it gives MTV and MTV2 a good name! (well, actually... come to think about it, radio isn't as bad as MTV for music!) I guess the solution to this problem is to go satellite radio.

Why don't people nowadays directly answer the question "what kind of music do you listen to"? If you do ask this question, the common response from someone is to say "all kinds". Yeah, can you be more general? Or if they want to be a little more specific, they'll answer "all kinds except for rap and heavy metal". Well, that really limits things down. That answer would imply that they would listen to polka or those crappy Oscar nominated songs. However, if you ever look at these people's cd collection or ipod, you'll discover that most people listen to the same crappy popular music or it is just rock or just country or hip hop. Why are people so afraid to answer this question? These people are just as indecisive as the people who couldn't figure out the differences between Bush and Kerry. Just in case you are wondering, I listen to indiepop.

Do you know what is the best thing about being a dick to so many people? Watching them getting repulsed by your actions. They have such a look of utter disgust that it can only make you laugh. The best example of this is when I see a girl walking towards me in a mall or wherever. If a girl is in the same looks league as myself (whatever league that is), there is that one moment that you lock eyes. I am not looking to pick up someone (like that is a real option for me) but I am more interested in seeing whether or not they are nice enough to look at you and do the whole what's up thing with your eye brows and grin. Or are they the kind of person who will look away with an expression of utter disgust that suggests "how dare you stare at me?". That look of detestation is so wonderfully amusing it makes being a dick so enjoyable. As they walk right by me, purposely looking the other way to avoid eye contact, I feel like screaming at them just to scare them and see their reaction. However, I am not that big of a dick! I suppose I am still a little dick!!

So, I guess it will be me and my little dick again for next year's Valentine's Day. Which leads me to the final group of people that pisses me off. I think I am starting to really hate the anti-Valentine's Day people. OK, enough already! So, you don't have a date for Valentine's Day. Welcome to my world people!! However, I don't wish the whole world to not be in love since I don't have a date. These anti-Valentine's Day people are such miserable people that they want everyone to join them in their misery. I am tired of you and your inability to get a date for Valetine's Day. I don't want to hear from you. Fill your mouth with some chocolate and watch a movie by yourself and shut the fuck up.

Respectfully yours,
-John

Rooster Love (February 2005)

2006-01-02T04:18:00.000-05:00

A rooster goes:

COCK-A-DOODLE-DO in English.

KU-KA-RE-KU in Russian

KYKKELIKY in Danish

KOKERIKO in Esperanto

KI-KIRIKI in Greek (which is similar to the Spanish version)

KI-KIRI-KI in Spanish

COCORICO in French

KUKURIKI in Hebrew

KUKURYKU in Polish

O-OO-O in Vietnamese

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, it is the year of the Rooster!! HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!!!!! My New Year was a fantastic day of eating a ton and receiving money. It is, by far, the greatest day of the year. Yet, this New Year started a little poorly as midnight struck when my grandma immediately asked me when I would get married! It's bad enough to hear this question when you are at weddings but to hear it on the greatest day of the year from your grandma, well, that just sucks! At least, my grandma didn't throw the death card at me this year (just in case you are wondering what the death card is, it is "i am going to die soon. you need to get married before i die." this card has been thrown at me twice!).

Despite this unfortunate start to the New Year, I always like the New Year as a way to reflect on things. It is a day to remember your goodbyes and hellos from the past year. The biggest goodbye as of late was one for a colleague who left the great state of Connecticut for Texas. He is a great guy and a wonderful force at the school. There aren't too many people in this world made like him and he will definitely be missed at our school. However, we did get one and half replacements for him. One is a regular teacher and the other is the student teacher. It is always good to have one and half liberals replace one conservative in the department (too bad the Supreme Court doesn't work like that). The student teacher is definitely the bigger liberal of the two.

Whenever there is someone new in the department, you end up asking them a bunch of questions to see where they are from, where they stand politically, and whether they are married. Her answers: Yale student teacher from California, Left leaning non-television watcher who listens to NPR, and has a partner (boyfriend not the partner that you think when you hear this word). I know it is weird to say but I always laugh when I hear someone use this word when they describe the other person in the relationship especially when heterosexuals use it. I think it is so funny to me because they are trying to be so politically correct.

Since Valentine's Day is coming, I have compiled a list of words and phrases that I can't stand to use for the other person in the relationship. Here it goes:

Partner - (the proper way it should be pronounced "pardner") Whenever I hear this word, I always think of a cowboy. I feel like using my two index fingers as six shooters and fire them repeatedly into the air while making gun shooting sound effects. Just a stupid word for someone you love especially since you think of cowboys when using this word.

Girlfriend/Boyfriend - I can understand why people have been moving away from using this word since whenever I hear this word I think of elementary school. It is such a kiddie word. I anticipate hearing either a "oooooooh" right after saying that you have a girlfriend/boyfriend or the elementary school song, "k-i-s-s-i-n-g".

Significant Other- Although this phrase maybe true, it is a rather long phrase with too many syllables to introduce the other person in the relationship. We need to be efficient when using a word or phase to introduce the other person.

My Lover - If I hear someone say this, I will automatically think of Will Ferrell from Saturday Night Live doing that skit describing his love for his LOOOOVER. This is another word that makes me laugh especially when you have the image of Will Ferrell in a hot tub annoucing his love to Rachel Dratch.

My Lady - Keeping with the Saturday Night Live theme, when I hear "my lady" I think of Leon Phelps the Ladies Man played by Tim Meadows. He says it in such a sleezy way! Also, I think of Kenny Rogers' song "Lady".

My Better Half- I actually like this but since this is a phrase to create laughter then this joke will wear thin if you use it too often.

Fiance - I can handle this word in small doses. However, if you are the kind of person who insists on using this word as often as humanly possible, then you really need to be "bitch" slap. (Sorry for the politically incorrect phrase here!)

Bitch - I must admit that I really enjoy this word. Not for the use of men but for the use of women. I think women should use this word as often as possible when referring to the other person in the relationship. Nothing is funnier to me when someone who you don't expect, especially a women, throws this word out as a reference to the other person in the relationship. Very funny!

It is near the end of the email and I don't have a political reference to our dear beloved Mr. President. You must be thinking, "how can someone really reference the President when writing about words describing the other person in the relationship?". Since I am committed to at least one presidential reference in my mass emails, then here my latest effort:

As I mentioned before, I like using the phrase "my better half". In the current White House, the better half is definitely Mr. Vice President. However, calling the other person Mr. Vice President is a horrible thing to call someone as well as Mr. Cheney. Yet, I think the best way to reference Mr. Vice President is probably calling the other person as my little Dick. So, I guess I will celebrate this Valentine's Day with my little Dick! Thank you everyone, you've been a wonderful audience tonight. Have a good night!!

-John

Annidivorsary (February 2005)

2006-01-02T04:16:00.000-05:00

Last night, the West Wing was not shown due to the State of the Union Address. I think it was about a week or two ago when the West Wing introduced me to a new word, "annidivorsary" which means it is the anniversary of someone's divorce. Sadly, I found it terribly coincidental to be introduced to a word like that when it was my sister's one year annidivorsary. I always thought that you would never want to wish a divorce on someone but I am starting to have second thoughts about that idea. Here are a list of things that I wish would get a divorce:

1.) I wish television would divorce itself from Donald Trump. I am so sick and tired of this money grubbing whore!! He is currently trying to sell his own fragrance named "Donald Trump" made by Estee Lauder. Also, he is selling his own line of water. Yeah, I don't get it either!!! Doesn't this man have enough money. Does he really need to pimp himself out like that? Luckily, he spared us from having his wedding being televised. Thank goodness his wife had enough sense. However, if Trump wants his wedding to be televised. Who knows? Maybe his next wedding will be televised!!!

2.) Speaking of television, I just saw Duran Duran on the Last Call with Carson Daly. Duran Duran really needs to get a divorce. If not for them but for me since I really don't want to see people in their late 30s and 40s dancing around in their "retro" outfits. Just like the old Elvis Costello song goes, "That Day is Done". Leave it alone and drink your soy lattes.

3.) Why is Budweiser selling a caffeinated beer? Caffeine and Beer? Nooooo!! Get a divorce now before it is too late!! Aren't people crazy enough with beer? Who needs a little more energy with it? If any of you guys attend my school's happy hours, then trust me you don't want those guys with more energy!!! Be afraid! Be very, very afraid!!!

4.) People who use stupid sayings like "be afraid. be very, very afraid" or "what happens in vegas stays in vegas". These people need to be stopped!!! Expect these people at Super Bowl parties this weekend saying more stupid things about football and life. I guess these guys will be in rare form this weekend with such a captive audience.

5.) People who think that where they watch a football game or what they wear will influence the outcome of the Super Bowl. The only way you can influence the Super Bowl is to play or coach in it. If you are not one of these people, then you will have no control in the outcome. Get a life!!

6.) Football really needs to end their association with Cialis or Levitra or any other erectile dysfunction treatment drug. I am so sick and tired of their commercials. The mere fact that someone my age knows the names of these drugs and how to spell them is very sad. (OK, insert your John Nguyen erectile dysfunction treatment drug joke here!)

7.) Staying on our Super Bowl theme, I wish no one will mention Janet Jackson this weekend. However, you know some boob (oops, did I write that?) will say something about wanting to see a wardrobe malfunction during halftime or wonder out loud what Janet will be doing during the Super Bowl. Don't do it, loser!!!

8.) I really wish that the religious conservatives would stop waging their religious television crusade. These people really need to turn the channel or stop watching television period!! Yes, they won a small victory with Janet Jackson. Then they attacked the Olympics for having people who looked like NUDE Greek statues. Next, they went after Nicollette Sheridan when she jumped into the arms of Terrell Owens before a Monday Night football game. Now, they are attacking children's programming for their dangerous message of treating everyone kindly and with respect.

9.) Why does Terrell Owens think that God healed him in time for the Super Bowl? People really need to divorce themselves from the idea that God is a sports fan!! He doesn't have a divine sports playbook. However, the Pope thinks that the Pats will win but his heart wants the Eagles.

10.) Have I ever mentioned in any of my mass emails that America needs to have a divorce from the President or from Dick Cheney or Karl Rove or Andrew Card?

Anyways, have a great day everyone. Spread some love!!

Peace and love,
John

Presidential Cabinet (January 2005)

2006-01-02T04:15:00.000-05:00

It's been a week now since I've attended my second straight presidential inauguration. The first time I've ever attended a presidential inauguration was four years ago when I was in Washington DC (this is quite obvious for the educated folks on this email list!). It was a cold, wet, and miserable day. However, the weather didn't bother me that much since I was surrounded by thousands and thousands of my closest friends. We were all there to protest the questionable selection process of our dear Mister President. This year, I decided to celebrate the presidential inauguration by going to see Mr. George Clinton and the P-Funk All-Star band at Toad's Place in New Haven. After going to the concert, I've discovered that George Clinton is truly the people's president. There were all kinds of people at this concert ranging from all ages. This concert really did represent what America truly is, which is the proverbial "great melting pot" (or for my politically correct fans, a tossed salad!).

Since George Clinton is my president for the next four years, I decided to serve as the Senate and confirm all 15 members of his presidential cabinet. Here is my list for the presidential cabinet:

1.) The Secretary of Education is Jon Stewart. After reading his textbook, America (thanks Anne and Suzanne for the kind birthday gift), I discovered that he truly understood the difficulties in being a teacher. Also, his book provides insightful advice to teachers when dealing with incompetent students which is either to light a cigarette and/or throw oneself out a window. I know I felt like that the other day when a student wrote on my 13 colonies test that South Dakota is right below North Carolina on a map. Finally, the real life depiction of the 9 Supreme Court justices is a beautiful sight. I've always wanted to see Sandra Day O'Connor naked (Yes, this book was banned in our most educated state in the Union, Mississippi. You know it must be good if Walmart won't sell it!)

2.) The Secretary of Transportation is Xzibit from MTV's "Pimp My Ride". Anyone who can turn those clunkers into awesome cool rides should definitely be the next secretary of Transportation (sorry, Norman Mineta!).

3.) The Secretary of Housing and Urban Development is Ty Pennington from ABC's "Extreme Home Makeovers". If you are not familiar with the show, they take the most depressing family in the whole world and build them a house to help them with their needs. If you are not moved after watching this show, you was an absolute cold heartless bastard!!

4.) Speaking of ABC programs, I think my Secretary of Interior is Eva Longoria from "Desperate Housewives". This selection is self-explanatory!!!!!!

5.) The Secretary of Homeland Security is Richard Clarke. This former counterterrorism expert published an amazing book, Against All Enemies, detailing the great failures of the Bush administration ignoring Osama Bin Laden before Sept. 11th and his irresponsible focus of US resources on Iraq. This catastrophic blunder has cost numerous lives and it only be reversed with knowledgeable specialists like Mr. Richard Clarke. (I would like to personally apologize to everyone for ripping off Wayne's World Top Ten list when they put a real response on their Top Ten list.)

6.) The Secretaries of Agriculture will be the men from the Iron Chef because these men can make any gourmet meal out of anything. I must admit that I love the American version as much as the Japanese one. In absence of football this week, I would highly recommend to everyone to watch the Superbowl of Iron Chef battles, Iron Chef Bobby Flay versus Ming Tsai. This will be a fantastic match of food titans. This episode will air this Sunday at 9:00 pm on the Food Network. I think this will be much better than the actual Superbowl!!!!

7.) The Secretary of Energy will be Mini-Me aka Verne Troyer. If you've been watching the Surreal Life on VH1, then you'll love this little guy maneuver his electric wheelchair around the house. He is a walking disaster when he gets drunk. Best thing on TV!! (well, the first episode that is!)

8.) The Secretary of Defense is Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. I know what you are thinking, how can a puppet be a secretary? However, if you watch Conan O'Brien, then you'll definitely understand how effective a puppet is when conducting military affairs. He can take the most dangerous people and put them on the defensive like the time when Triumph asked the evil Ralph Reed how Ralph can oppose gay marriage when he has a pole up his ass? There is no better defense like a good offense and humor is the best offense. Who would ever want to attack a nation that is absolutely as funny as Triumph the Insult Comic Dog? If you did, then you'll look like a fool attacking a puppet. Just ask, Eminem!!

9.) The Secretary of Justice will be headed by Michael Moore. His attacks on big businesses, the Bush administration, and now the Health Care industry will provide a fresh, new start for a department devastated from the likes of John "Let the Eagles Soar" Ashcroft and W.

10.) After watching a load of "I Love the 80s" episodes on VH1, this is a retro joke for those "I Love the 80s" fans! The Secretary of Veteran's Affairs will be Captain Franklin Pierce from MASH. He will transfer the drab Veteran's Affairs department into a fun-loving, dysfunctional department sort of like the time when they had the MASH Olympics and Lt. Colonel Donald Penobscott lost to the slower Ames and Captain Pierce's team won an additional three day pass to Tokyo.

11.) Who better to manage the Department of Commerce than Donald Trump? Is it a coincidence that his new season started at the same time as the George Clinton concert? I think not!!! Is there a better man to turn the record $427 billion deficit into a surplus? Again, I think not!!! Who can have a bunch of college and high school dropouts win a competition against elite college graduates? Why, of course, Mr. Donald Trump!! This man can turn losers into winners and there is no one better person than this man to lead the Department of Commerce.

12.) Taking care of the money in the Department of Treasury will be Greg "The Fossilman" Raymer. If this country ever runs out of money due to the continual occupation of Iraq, then The Fossilman will win it back in a poker game of Texas hold 'em. Also, once he gets the money, you know that he'll protect it since he was recently able to defend himself against two attackers following a poker hand at the Bellagio in Vegas. Go Fossilman!!!

13.) The Secretary of Labor is Martha Stewart. If she can make money and develop new television programs and jobs while in jail, then you know that she is the perfect candidate for this position. She will definitely be able to reduce the 5.4% unemployment rate by employing people to work in her huge corporation.

14.) The new head of Health and Human Services will be Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys. With the amount of drugs that he took, you know that he'll be an expert for this department. Mr. Wilson is not your usual drug expert since most of those guys end up destroying themselves. Although he was very close to that, I must say that he recovered quite nicely with his latest album, Smile, which was on many of the critic's top ten list for 2004.

15.) If you read this email this far in one sitting then I must say that you weren't doing too much at work today!! So, the last but definitely not least department secretary will be Badly Drawn Boy. He is my choice for Secretary of State. His kindness and knowledge of world affairs is quite evident when he played at the Tsunami Relief concert in Cardiff, Wales.

Sorry for the length of this nonsense!! I guess this is what happens when I don't write in a while and when I have no school because of a snow day. Peace, Love and Rock 'n Roll. Peace.

Long live President George Clinton,
-John

Lazybones (December 2004)

2006-01-02T04:14:00.000-05:00

Happy holidays to my faithful readers,

I think after nearly 30 years on this earth I am ready to admit that I am the world's laziest person. To many of you, this shouldn't come as a real surprise but for me I had my great epiphany just the other day. As I was laying down on my dirty floor littered with clothes, food wrappers, and other unidentifiable objects, I discovered that I would rather roll myself from one side of the room to the other as suppose to walking. Another sad discovery for this night was that I would unplug my lamps so I would not have to stand and turn off the light which is, I guess, a step lower on the lazy ladder rung than the usual lowering the standing lamp and twisting the knob.

Have you ever seen those really gigantic people who can't leave their own room because they are so freaking huge? You know, those near 1000 lb. people on Maury or any other talk show who just sit in their bed with a shower curtain-like dress on them. And then you ask yourself, what the fuck? Well, after the last couple of days in my room, I am starting to think that maybe, just maybe, I think I understand how someone can get that big.

Besides being lazy at home, I am starting to be really lazy at work. I've stop grading most of my papers. I just collect one homework assignment after the next without passing it back to my wonderful students. I think my students will start calling me the National Archives since I have this huge mound of paper in my terribly messy room at home. If my room just happened to be smashed with a mudslide and was unearthed several million years later, then it would be an archeological orgy of discovery. These archeologists would think a whole village lived in my room with the amount of crap accumulating in there.

For the first time in my life, I am even becoming lazy when it comes to Christmas shopping. I finally went Christmas shopping this weekend and I spent most of the time buying items for myself. I went into one store looking for a scarf and then I decided to get a matching jacket with it for me. This is so absolutely pathetic!!! However, I did keep with tradition this year and bought Christmas cards for the fifth year in a roll and I haven't sent one out!! You may ask yourself, if he bought Christmas cards for five years in roll, then shouldn't he have Christmas cards from the past five Christmases if he ever decides to use the postal service again? Yes, I have these Christmas cards somewhere but I have no clue where they could be since I am the human Jabba-the-hut. So this means that I have to buy new cards each year just in case I decide to start mailing Christmas cards again.

I remember mentioning this same dilemma to my friend Anne last year. She advised me to send the Christmas cards out during the regular year. You know as crazy as Anne is, I think I am going to listen to her advice for once and start mailing them out during the regular year (since in my heart every day is like Christmas to me-puke). However, for this to work, I will need your addresses again since I lost them in my pile of junk. I will definitely start to mail out my Christmas cards starting in February (January if I am feeling a little frisky!).

And to fit with this theme of being absolutely lazy, I will send along with this mass email an unfinished mass email that I was going to send about a year ago about mailing items but I was too LAZY to finish.

ENJOY AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!! PEACE AND LOVE PEOPLE!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 11, 2003

Hello Everyone!

I would like to use this mass email to personally thank everyone for their kind words on my random thoughts. I have read from you guys about how much you normally don't like mass emails (I totally understand!) but you don't mind receiving these mass emails. This made me wonder about what are some of the best/worst ways to correspond with people through the written word. So here is my list:

1.) Nothing beats a long letter!! This is especially true if your mailbox is completely filled with bills or junk mail. I think letter writing is almost extinct in this world because of these bastards who email all the time! (People in glass houses...!!) I think my first thing for my new year's resolution is to write one letter to everyone who is receiving these mass emails. (of course, I will need your address so if you haven't emailed me your address lately then please do so!)

[DECEMBER 23, 2004- IS IT JUST ME OR DOES THAT LAST LINE SOUND REALLY FAMILIAR? DAMN, NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION!!!!]

2.) I think a nice thing to receive is a card either a birthday, holiday, anniversary, etc. However, don't waste your time sending a card if the only thing you write is your name along with the person who is receiving it. You should try to personalize everything!! I know during the holiday season that it is a little difficult to do it but if this is the only time that you are writing someone, then you should at least give some quick commentary on your life and inquiry about their activities.

During this holiday season, I am not quite sure about how I feel about those family/child/baby photo cards. Although, it is helpful with these photo cards if (a) you are attractive or, with babies and children, if they are cute (b) do something interesting in these photos because remember this novel idea of photo cards is being copied by everyone else in this free world with a digital camera.

Another thing with Christmas or Holiday cards is how long do you keep someone on the mailing list when they haven't responded in awhile. I am a nasty bastard so if I haven't heard from you in awhile then don't expect me to continue to put you on next year's list. My final thought on Christmas cards is the "oh crap, they sent me a card! I have to mail one out and it is the 22nd of December." I hate it when that happens.

[DEC. 23- DAMN, NOW I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO NEVER RESPONDS BACK TO PEOPLE! KEEP ME ON YOUR MAILING LIST!! I WILL UNLAZY MY LAZINESS]

3.) The next decent thing to correspond with is an email. These emails should range in at least one to two paragraphs in length. A one to two sentence response is not very appealing especially if you use the usual words like "interesting" or "no way" or the always useful "really?". I think the master of the one word email response is a little person in Boston who is working in a tiny cubicle right across from the Prudential Building.

[WHAT A DIFFERENCE A YEAR MAKES, ANNIE! CONGRATS ON THE ENGAGEMENT!]

4.) Mass email. No comment!

5.) E-Card!! I know that the e-cards are a nice way to remember someone on their birthday especially if you were a loser and forgot about their birthday until that day but come on people, E-CARDS SUCK!!!! Yeah, it is sort of cool to see a few dancing graphics floating around your screen (which could explain why people like their screen savers so much!) and the cheesy music (which is an upgrade from your cellphone rings) but these things are totally horrible. Let's see some creativity, people!!

6.) FORWARDS!!! Individualized forwards are somewhat ok but the mass email forwards I CAN'T STAND THEM!! I HATE THEM!! I don't care about ways to improve my health!! (Look at me!) I don't care about what injustices that a manufacturing company has done. I don't need these forwards especially since I can read the paper. I don't read these forwards! They go straight to the trash bin especially if they deal with jokes or riddles. I don't need another Bin Laden joke or Bush joke.

7.) Chain letters! If your life is so sad that you have to worry about some old wives' tale, then it is time for you to get a real life.

---------------------------------------------
DECEMBER 23, 2004

SINCE I AM BEING LAZY, THERE IS NO WAY I CAN WRITE 10 NOR DO I WANT TO SINCE IT IS NOW 4:30 IN THE MORNING. BOY, IF YOU READ THIS FAR DOWN, THANKS!! YOU ARE TRULY AN IMPRESSIVE PERSON!!! AGAIN, PEACE AND LOVE, PEOPLE!!!

-JOHN "THE LAZY"

Teacher of the Year (December 2004)

2006-01-02T04:13:00.000-05:00

HELLO EVERYONE!!

I work in the goofiest but best social studies department in the whole world!! Today, we are going to dress in all black. I have no clue why but my department head deemed Thursday, December 16th as men in black day so I am going to participate in today's activity. My department consists of a bunch of crazy and dedicated teachers. We are one happy but dysfunctional family. However, in our weird department, somehow, we managed to have Connecticut's Teacher of the Year for 2005, Dr. Burt Saxon. Dr. Saxon is an absolute fantastic teacher and great guy despite the fact that he bad mouthed me on television the other day. (Although I must admit that I rightfully deserve it since I've been making fun of him left and right since he won the award.) He is a really humble man who doesn't like the limelight especially from winning the award. So when I point out this fact to anyone who walks into the building that he is the Connecticut Teacher of the Year, he wants to ring my neck each time which is pretty much every time.

Dr. Saxon is such a great guy that anyone who mentions that he is the Connecticut Teacher of the Year, he shrugs it off and deflects the attention rightfully back to his students for winning the award and the staff at Hillhouse High School except for me, of course. You could really tell how wonderful he is as a person from his amazing speech at the Connecticut Teacher of the Year ceremony in Hartford at the Bushnell Theater. Dr. Saxon spoke about how our students at Hillhouse are similar to other students in the state and around the country and how all the other teachers deserve the award as well because they do just as many things as he does but he was fortunate enough to be recognized by the selection committee. He is really too modest for his own good. Listening to his speech that night will definitely be one of the highlights of my teaching career.

However, getting to the moment when he spoke that night was probably one of the most painful moments in my life. We had to endure listening to a very long speech from the previous winner of the Teacher of the Year when all he talked about was how the award changed his life. You can really see the differences in their style between the two men. The previous winner was more teacher-focused and that teacher was him while Doc is more student-focused, diverting the attention to the people who helped him get the award. After the previous winner's speech, my colleagues and I had to suffer through the lengthy procession of the individual towns' winners for teacher of the year. Since I must have attention deficit disorder, I couldn't keep still during the ceremony so one of my colleagues and I were making fun of the people while they were announcing the winners' names. We both discovered that it felt like a bad high school prom from the 70s since there was a ton of sequence on many of the females' dresses. In between mocking these teachers of the year, my colleague and I decided to plan for the next week of school. We were plotting which school days to take off. She was going to take the next day off so she can fly off to Mexico with her girlfriends. She needed me to cover one of her classes. I told her that I would cover her class only if she would cover my class the following week so I can take off early and head down to Washington DC for a Badly Drawn Boy concert. We agreed upon this deal and, at the same time, laughed at the absurdity of this deal while being at the Connecticut Teacher of the Year ceremony. We both wondered how many other teachers at this ceremony were having the same conversion. The answer is NONE.

The following week, I decided to approach my department head to tell him that I was going "on tour" again to follow Badly Drawn Boy. I rationalized that since he approved my birthday trip to the west coast to see them in Portland, Seattle, and San Francisco that he wouldn't care a second time around to see them in DC, Philly, and Boston. Boy was I wrong about that!! He said that he wouldn't approve of me taking days off to go to these other concerts. I was so pissed!! I then had to devise a new plan to head down to DC to see my 6th, 7th, and 8th shows this tour. I honestly was amazed that he said that he couldn't approve my second leg of trips because he is such a carefree guy and it was the end of the marking period. I thought since my grades were done then missing a few days during the beginning part of the marking period wouldn't really matter much.

The day after my department head said that I couldn't go on tour, I was rather depressed. I sadly gave out the grades to the students that day. 4 out of my 5 classes were very happy with their grades. However, in the other class, one of the students went ballistic about her grades. She used every swear in the book at me and then went straight to my department head to demand a meeting between her, her mother, my department head, and myself to discuss her grades. The next day (the same day as the DC concert), we had our meeting at 10:30 am in my room. As I explained my grading policy to her mother, the student started to shake and started to swear at me even more. She got so angry that her mother had to restrain her from attacking me and then pulled her out of my classroom. My department head tried to be supportive and told me that her attacks weren't personal. Actually, I felt really comfortable with everything and knew that she was just upset so I didn't take it personally!

However, I saw my opening to head down to DC for the concert. I claimed to my department head that the incident really upset me and I needed to go home early to reduce the amount of stress. Thankfully, I had already lined up a teacher (the same colleague from the Teacher of the Year ceremony) to watch my class so I can head home early and recover from the stress of this confrontation. (I know what you are thinking, "he shouldn't lie about being sick!" I totally agree with you. I hate to lie. However, since I tried to tell him the truth and he wanted no part of it, I had to resort to a partial truth. This is a partial truth because I did have to leave early to relieve some stress but the stress was reduced in DC at the concert instead of my place in Meriden, CT).

After a story like this, I know I will NEVER win Connecticut Teacher of the Year because I can't imagine any teacher of the year doing the same thing I did last November!!! Of course, not that I was ever in the running for Connecticut Teacher of the Year!!

Peace, Love, and Rock 'n Roll,
-John

Motormouth (December 2004)

2006-01-02T04:12:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone!

If there are more spelling errors in this email than normal, then I must apologize in advance since I have suffered an injury to my left index finger. I got this injury because I've been running my mouth to my students lately challenging them that they will not be able to lift me up in the air and flip me upside-down. For some strange reason, a few students select a teacher during the school year to flip upside-down and this year they have chosen me since I told them that they will not be able to do it. This was a major blunder on my part!! I guess I've been feeling a little overconfident working in my social studies department playing practical jokes on my colleagues so this is why I didn't feel threatened by my overzealous students.

However, yesterday at school, two students tried to lift me upside-down. As they were trying to lift me, I put one of them in a headlock so they could not lift me upside-down. The two guys only got one foot off the ground. Then, for some strange reason, one of them threw me into my teacher's desk and my left knuckle started to bleed pretty badly. However, I didn't let go of my Triple HHH like headlock and their attempt failed as they ran off to class so they wouldn't be late. I guess being a motormouth backfired on me since now I am target number one to be flipped upside-down!!

I guess due to my immature behavior, some of my students treat me like a fellow student. The other day, my students (while doing their work, of course!) started to talk about the latest television shows. One of them mentioned this new show on VH-1 called "motormouth". For those of you who haven't seen it, they put a secret camera in a car and you watch unsuspected drivers singing in their car as loud and as foolishly as they can. I know if I ever participated in this show, I would look like a complete fool because there are some songs that I would go all out singing.

Here is a list of songs that I am embarrassed to admit that I enjoy and will sing as loud as I can in my car when THERE IS NO ONE IN IT:

1.) I actually mentioned this at my friend's 30th birthday party (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JASON!!!!) and everyone became quiet in shock after I admitted that I absolutely love the Christina Aguilera song "Come on Over". I will dance with the best of fools when this song is ever played. You know the girl can sing!!! I am not ashamed to admit it and she is much better than Brittany Spears. My students in the Asian club from my old school were disgusted at me when I told them that Christina Aguilera is better than Brittany. Although if any of you were fortunate to be at my cousin's wedding in New York, then you would have saw me do one kickass impression of Brittany Spear's song "Toxic".

2.) I have no idea why I do this but whenever I hear the Wilson Phillip's song "Hold On" I will sing along. Yeah, this is sad!! Whenever I hear this song, I think of Casey Kasam dedicating this song on the Weekend Top 40 Countdown back in the early 90s to a some sad girl who actually "held on" after listening to his song. How fucking pathetic!!!

3.) Any Hootie and the Blowfish song! Yes, they suck but I will still sing along. They are so bad, it is actually really hilarious. My favorite Hootie line is "Everytime I look at you, I go blind!". How fucking stupid is that line!! Sadly, I didn't have to look up those lyrics on the internet because I am just as stupid as the band!!

4.) Just for you Karate Kid fans out there, Peter Cetera "Glory of Love". "I am a man who will fight for your honor. I'll be the hero in your dreamy world!" Who writes this shit? And, yet, I still sing!!

5.) Any Journey song but especially "Faithfully"! This song will forever be ingrained in my mind when my friend, Nanci, called into a local radio station, I-95 for you Danbury readers, and sang on air "highway run into the midnight sun wheels go round and round..."

6.) I don't care who actually sang these songs but I love the Milli Vanilli songs especially "Blame it on the rain". I wrote this in my high school senior write up and I will write it again "Rob and Fab RULES!!"

7.) Just for the birthday boy who turned 30, Poison "Every rose has its thorn". Sadly, Poison was nearly the first concert that I ever went to. Thankfully, my parents did not give me any money for the show. (Just for my grammar school friends, you ever wonder what happened to Thomasena Negri?)

8.) OK, I am starting to run out of ideas so as I am browsing through VH1 artists, I will not say that I like this artist or her songs but again for some strange reason I will occasionally sing along to Jewel's "Foolish Games". I get a little teary when she sings that "these foolish games are tearing me, tearing me, tearing me apart!".

9.) I bet many of you don't even remember that Jennifer Love Hewitt actually sang songs and that they were played on the radio and on MTV. The only one that got airplay was a song called "barenaked". The lyrics went, "I'm barenaked and I just can't take it. I'm getting jaded, No I just can't fake it anymore". OK, I never really liked this song but I REALLY LIKED the video.

10.) Oooooh, I could I forget Tiffany "I Think We Are Alone Now". She was the late 80s version of Christina Aguilera. I think if Christina isn't careful, she could end up like Tiffany with a child and posing in Playboy!!! They both have the same image problems competing against wholesome figures like Brittany Spears and Debbie Gibson.

Maybe I should take my own advice after the whole left index figure incident from yesterday and learn how to keep my mouth shut because after looking at this list of music, I feel like hiding in a corner somewhere and taking a shower to clean off all of this musical excrement. As I am typing this, the music gods must have known that I needed to be cleanse my musical soul so they played a repeat of Carson Daly tonight with Badly Drawn Boy performing "The Year of the Rat". So, if any of you decide to plant a motormouth camera in my car, the only thing that you'll be hearing is the great Badly Drawn Boy. I have no problem singing as loud as humanly possible because it definitely frees my soul. Hopefully, you too will have the joys of singing out loud like the Crystal Boyd poem goes:

"Work like you don't need the money,
Love like you never been hurt,
Dance like no one is watching."

And I would like to add another line to this poem "sing like no one is in the car with you!"

Peace, Love, and Rock 'n Roll,
-John
www.geocities.com/wackyworldofwein

Texas Hold 'em (December 2004)

2006-01-02T04:11:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone!!

Sometimes the world really amazes me! It's not the big things that shock me but actually if you're extremely observant the little things can make the greatest impact on someone. We have a tendency to embrace the biggest thing or the prettiest item but what about the smallest or ugliest thing? Don't the seemingly lesser objects have as much value as the most desired ones? If we are lucky enough, then hopefully we can appreciate all of these items! I learned this lesson accidentally one night in Houston this past weekend. (I find it quite ironic that I am able to recognize the value of little things in an oversized state like Texas.)

So, where does this lesson begin? Well, with a nice old fashioned game of Texas hold'em!! I think playing this game in Texas always adds a little more flair to the game although it maybe just me who feels this way. Most of you should know that I really hate to gamble but when it comes to special occasions like family gatherings, in this case a wedding in Houston, then I usually break down and play with my family (usually I play due to the peer pressure or in this case family pressure from my cousin Leo). Sitting around the padded poker table with so many members of the family felt like a Thanksgiving dinner minus the food and all. Replacing the traditional Thanksgiving turkey, mashed pototoes, stuffing, and gravy at this table were playing cards and poker chips. Instead of uncomfortable family talk at the Thanksgiving dining room table, you have fun and witty poker banter except from my cousin Joe who can be as annoying as some of my students (Joe, I kid because I love!).

When I play hold 'em, I have a couple of goals. One, I don't want to be the first to leave the table (or as they say on Celebrity Poker, the first one in the Losers' Lounge). Second, I want to play long enough so I can outlast maybe half the players. My last goal is to cash out with something. If I can do that, then it's been a good night. Even if I don't do that, it really has been a good night because it usually means that I've been with family for a night and, obviously, I really do enjoy hanging out with the family and all (Being with the Houston family is especially sweet since I've only really got to know them since last year!).

When we first started playing poker, I lost pretty big in the second hand to my cousin, Doug aka The Professor (He is known as the Professor because he looks like the Professor Howard Lederer and not the Professor from the And1 videos. Although I bet with a family of Asians, we would name any random white guy at the table The Professor!! Yeah, I know that isn't really politically correct but after being the only Asian in places when random white people would always tell me that I look like an Asian on television or a friend of theirs, well, all I can say is fuck it!) with a 3 and 7 of clubs. I was looking for a club flush and it looked good with the flop with two more clubs but I got nothing on the turn and the river (Sorry for the poker lingo if you don't get it! This email isn't just about poker. There is a good moral to this story. Keeping reading or if you are tired, then go have a sandwich or beverage and come back to read the rest of this because I think this is one of my better mass emails.)

After that dismal start, I was out of my higher valued chips (the red ones, if you care!). Now, I was focusing on poker objective number one which is to not be the first one out. I wasn't playing too many hands and how could you when one of your two cards would be a 2 or a 3. My hands were so comical to a point that when they raised the blinds to $2 and $4 the hand I got was a 2 of diamonds and a 4 of clubs. I was folding hand after hand and losing most of my chips. When you have as little chips as I did, the poker analysts would tell you to just pick a hand and hope for the best and go "all in". So, with about $7 of chips left, I went "all in" against one of the better poker players in my family, Leo. (My grandma is always afraid when I play poker against him because she thinks that I will lose all my money to him! My grandma is so sweet!) For the non-poker players, when you go "all in" you are putting all your money into the pot and if you win you survive but if you lose then you go home or into the Losers' lounge. The customary thing to do when you go "all in" is to flip your cards over so everyone can see. However, since I knew that I had such a small amount of chips, I was going "all in" without looking at my cards. So, when Leo flipped over a pair of fives, I thought I was died until I saw the community cards. The dealer threw out a 2, 7, 9, 2, and J. After seeing the two 2's, I knew I was in good shape because I was getting 2's all night. I was extremely comfortable with who I was as a poker player which was a 2 or 3 man!! So, when I looked at my cards for the first time, I saw, as always this night, my 2 and won the hand. This hand totally turned the tide in my favor. I started to win more and more hands with simply a 2 or a 3. I actually scared off "the Professor" when he had a pair of 4's and I had a pair of 3's. It was only fitting with the number of 2's that I was dealt for the night I came in second place at the table which was a pretty good night and fulfilled all of my poker objectives.

Besides the $25 I took home from my cousins, I took home a whole lot more from the night. I learned that no matter what you are dealt for the night as long as you are comfortable with who you are, in this case a 2 or 3 man, you should appreciate who you are because there is value in what you are. Sadly, most people don't value who they are and always want the more seemingly valued items to compensate for what they perceive as being not as good as someone else. And, yes, I know this is a little Charlie Brown-ish but who can blame me for being a little like Charlie Brown after watching the Christmas special tonight on my 1980s RCA television set that can pick up only four channels. I watched as much quality programming tonight with Charlie Brown and Scrubs than I can on my parents' cable programming with couple of hundreds of channels and their monster 60" screen.

May you be able to find the goodness in yourself and in others during this holiday season and upcoming new year. There is a lot of good in the world if you are able to find it.

Peace and Love,
-John

Everybody Cut Footloose (November 2004)

2006-01-02T04:10:00.000-05:00

What in the name of Kevin Bacon is going on in Wheaton College in Wheaton, Illinois? Just in case that you are not aware of the moral code at Wheaton College, dancing was banned at this 143 year old institution of "higher learning" until last Friday. (Although square dancing was legal! What is up with that? I would still have square dancing banned if I was the student government president.) To make the most of the students' opportunity to boogie, many students were taking dancing lessons so they would not look foolish at their first dance in school history. If I was a student at Wheaton College, I would have just rented Footloose and let Kevin Bacon be my Arthur Murray. How can you go wrong shaking it like Kevin Bacon in your newly found freedom of footloosing at Wheaton College? There is no greater teacher of dancing than the man that calls himself "KEVIN BACON".
After going 80s retro for the first song at this dance, I would hire only one band to dance the night away and it would be BADLY DRAWN BOY. Recently, I followed the short, overweight, chain smoking, alcoholic named Damon Gough, who is Badly Drawn Boy, around to sold out shows in Northampton, MA, Towson, MD, Washington, DC, Brooklyn, NY, and Manhattan, NY. This wooly-capped musical genius can perform with the best of them for easily two and half hours. For the Wheaton College students who have great difficulty dancing, he can pluck a beautiful song off his guitar. The noises leaving this instrument can sometimes sound like a harp which will activate your nerve endings giving you thousands upon thousands of goose bumps all over your body especially if he plays "The Shining" or "About a Boy".
If you want a specific kind of music from the 60s, he'll sing a Jackson Five classic "I Want You Back" the same way he does when he opens his concerts. If you want Bob Dylan, he can do a funny Bob Dylan impersonation with his introduction to Pissing in the Wind like he did at the Bowery Ballroom in Manhattan. If you want Bruce Springsteen, he'll play Thunder Road as he did in Northampton, MA because this was the song that Bruce Springsteen dedicated to Damon's son, Oscar Bruce Gough, when Springsteen played at Old Trafford in Manchester, England this past year. If you want more cheese from the 80s that doesn't include Kevin Bacon, he can break out in a Journey song on the keyboards while jumping back to the title song from his second album "Have You Fed the Fish?". If there is a song you want, Damon can play it for you because he can play the keyboards either the regular way or upside down or with another person, he can slam on the drums, harmonica, guitar, or anything else you want. In fact, during the last concert in NYC, he dedicated one of his songs "Golden Days" to me since I went to so many of his shows. How awesome is that? After my final show seeing the band, I received a guitar pick from his guitar technician, Yogi (at this moment, I am sure you agree with my friend, Brian, who said that "if you know the roadies, then you are definitely touring hard core") and said goodbye to some of the other people who was touring with me.
This was the first time in my 28 years of existence that I ever followed a band around. I guess I can no longer make fun of the Deadheads or DMB fans or the Southside Johnny fan (are there more than one of you guys out there?). I hope the kids who will dance for the first time in 143 years at Wheaton College will a great time living their college "golden days" and shred the floor the same way that people did at the Badly Drawn Boy concerts when he played "40 Days and 40 Fights" or "Walkmen Demo" where he'll just sing about things off the top of his head and joke that he is the new Bono except that he is "younger and more attractive" (if you know what he looks like, then the joke is even funnier!). Next year, when Badly Drawn Boy goes on tour to promote his next album, I will have to request "FOOTLOOSE" so I can sing with everybody, "EVERYBODY CUT FOOTLOOSE!!"

Fat Bastard (September 2004)

2006-01-02T04:09:00.001-05:00

Hello Everyone!

My family is preparing their first large monstrous wedding in some 20 years this weekend. It should be a rather joyous occasion. I appreciate the fact that I am included in the wedding as one of the groomsmen. However, as a groomsman, I think one of the worst parts of the wedding preparations is going to the men's store to be measured for the tuxedo. I don't know what it is but I really don't enjoy the process of being measured for a tuxedo, especially when the store is located at the Danbury Fair Mall, my high school hangout mall where I haven't step foot in for a bunch of year. I was sick to my stomach entering the mall because I spent so many hours as a worker for JC Penney's or just gallivanting around as a troublemaker. Besides being a little nauseous, I must admit that I was a little nervous too going to the men's store because I really don't like going to places where I have to be touched by someone like the doctor, dentist, barber, and the tailor.

As I went to the counter, I asked the woman if I was in the right place and if she could measure me. She actually looked dumbfounded since I guess she wasn't trained in the art of tailoring (how hard could it be?). Although after taking a second look at her, I really don't think I would mind her doing my inseam (cheap joke but I couldn't resist). She called the dude over to measure me. The dude was actually a really nice guy. He did my shoulders for the jacket first which was really no big deal. Then he did the dreaded WAIST!!! As he measured my waist, he did a looooooong reach around my waist and said two words that I've never heard before when someone put a tape measure around me (if you think I am going to write the actual waist size, you better think again.). When I heard the words, I was flabbergasted! Perplexed! Stunned! I've only heard those numbers when I watch a football game and a defensive lineman makes a sack (ok, not that large but you get the point! Maybe a Defensive back!). I actually screamed out in the store, "DAMN!"

This could only mean that the FAT BASTARD will live on for another successful year. I am starting to think that I will be one of those Asians with a face that looks like a puffed up marshmallow with little itty bitty eyes. (OK, I know that wasn't really politically correct but since I am just making fun of myself then deal with it!) My marshmallow face will not be the kind of marshmallow right out of the bag. No! It will be the kind of marshmallow that was cooked over a fire and the marshmallow can be easily flattened with a graham cracker. That is what I will look like in a couple of years. Hopefully, I will not be in any more weddings so I will not be able to take note of my increasing girth. Right after I came back from California, my sister very kindly suggested that I should walk around a little more every day before the wedding. After her suggestion, this is what I proceeded to do:

I walked in New York City for the Republican Party protests. However, I ended the day eating with the other "communists" at a Cuban restarurant. (Red Beans and Rice. Yum! Yum!) Then the next weekend, I walked around Famington, CT where I played golf for the first time in America since high school. The night again ended at a restaurant where I ate meat loaf with garlic mashed pototoes. The following weekend, I ended up in Montreal where I walked along St. Catherine Street to do a little shopping (A shout out to MEXX, my favorite store in Montreal!). Since my friend and I don't travel with maps, we walked aimlessly around Montreal in the sleazy parts of town and found the most amazing Portuguese restaurant. We ordered the assorted meats plate which included port chops, sausage, chicken, liver, and rabbit.

Obviously, you can tell that I followed the instructions from my wonderful sister in order for me to shed a few pounds before the wedding this weekend. NOT! (I think it is much better to type the word "NOT" instead of saying it like some fool who doesn't realize that the 90s are over!) All I can say is that FAT BASTARD LIVES!!! Let me proclaim that for my 29th year on this earth, this year will be known as the year of food and drinks or the Year of the FAT BASTARD!!!! What better way to start my 29th year on this earth, then by following around another fat bastard, Damon Gough aka Badly Drawn Boy. I will definitely be at the Portland, OR, Seattle, WA, San Francisco, CA, New York City, Boston, Washington DC, and Portland, ME shows for the months of October and November. If anyone from any of those cities would like to watch a fat bastard perform with a FAT BASTARD then feel free to contact the real FAT BASTARD.

Even though I am still a FAT BASTARD, pound for pound, I am the best bowler in the great state of Connecticut. Anyone who would like to challenge me in a game of bowling then come to the T-Bowl Lanes at 8:30 pm in Wallingford, CT on Saturday, October 16th or as I like to say Johntober the 16th. As I proclaimed that this year will be known as the YEAR OF THE FAT BASTARD, I will also proclaim that October will hence forth be called JOHNTOBER since my birthday is October 7th, just in case you've forgotten!!! As my roommate suggested in her email, everyone is more than welcomed to sleep over at our place. The losers will get a bed while anyone who dares attempt to get a higher score will sleep outside.

Peace, Love, and Food,
FAT BASTARD

Things To Do Before School (August 2004)

2006-01-02T04:09:00.000-05:00

As the school year starts tomorrow, there are usually a few things I like to do to prepare for the upcoming year. Here is my laundry list of things:

1.) A new shirt with matching tie - $40-50. (Sometimes, I get pants but pants are a pain to find since I am so freaking short!) I usually like to pretend that I am an adult by wearing a proper shirt and tie for the first month or so probably up until my birthday (just in case you forgot, my birthday is October 7th but my BIGTIME BIRTHDAY BOWLING BASH will be on October 2nd in Wallingford). My wardrobe fades significantly as the school year goes on. I look like a totally different person when school ends in June (only a 182 school days until summer vacation!).

2.) Posters but this year I also have small individual pictures of the presidents - $10. When I went to the Nixon Library, I got some classroom decorations. Today, I stapled the 43 presidents on my bulletin board. I had to bring a stapler from home since the savages from the freshmen class tore apart my stapler because Mr. Good for Nothing, otherwise known as Gnolfo, (sounds like Mofo which he really is) did absolutely nothing to stop these students from dismantling my stapler. They destroyed three staplers last year. Freaking savages!!!

3.) Get adhesive tape for posters - $15-20. Besides hanging up a ton of new government posters this year, I am going to play a lot of practical jokes as well. I played the first one yesterday when I left school. I taped a poster of a starving child on a neighbor's door and posted a sign that said, "I am starving because Mr. B ate all of my food!". (Let's just say that Mr. B is a really healthy looking man!!)

4.) Cleaning supplies - $10 -15. I don't know what the janitors did but there is a load of white crap on my desks. It is going to be a major pain in the butt to clean all of that crap off. I think I am going to have to find some brown-nosing students today to help me clean that junk off. It is so annoying. Also, I wish someone could clean the crap on my computer when someone downloaded porn onto my classroom computer. Bastards!! (Boy, after a quick reread of this section, I didn't intend to make a sophomoric reference to self-gratification here but if you got it during the first read, you are definitely a sick person! If you totally missed it, then you are a much person than I am and I am truly sorry that I brought this to your attention since you are definitely a good and wholesome person.)

5.) Passion and Compassion? Too bad there isn't a place where I can buy some of that stuff!! Luckily, I've had such a glorious summer this year and met up with so many amazing people as well as kept in contact with you all wonderful folks to help me maintain my passion and allow me to be compassionate since I will definitely need these two traits the most as I teach this year. I definitely feed off the passion of people like: the 400,000+ people marching in the streets of New York City on Sunday against the Bush administration especially with cool people like Mr. and Mrs. Paulishen, Ms. Diana Stuart (NYC's manhole cover lady! She gave the best tour of manholes in NYC.), Ms. Grace, who is passionate about her poetry as she is with scrabble, and Ms. Peacock's adventurous spirit for life which is as contagious as the bubonic plague (yes, I stole that line from the movie The Natural). There are absolutely too many kind and passionate people in this mass email to name but let me highlight just a few more amazing people like: my crazy and wonderful family especially the ones in Southern California (You guys are way too kind. Almost too good to be true!), the incredible work of Ms. Ginty who continues to kick ass (I know that was improper social work lingo), how about another social worker like Ms. Moore who puts as much effort into her work as she runs in marathon(s), the frenetic energy of my cousin who runs through the ER like he runs through cards at the casino (ok, I never seen him at work in the ER nor at the casino but I can only assume), and all of the great teachers that I've been in contact with (Just because you may not be a teacher by trade doesn't mean that you don't teach me anything!! You would be amazed about how many times I reference one of you guys in my classroom lectures!!!) So, just like the Mastercard commercial, these traits are indeed priceless. Thank you all for being my teachers and hopefully I can be as good as each and every one of you all during this upcoming year.

Peace and love,
John

The Agony of Defeat (August 2004)

2006-01-02T04:07:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone! The opening ceremonies for the Olympics start tomorrowand, as always, I must offer my little two cents fortruly the world's greatest sports competition. TheOlympics are, as the ABC sports adage goes, the thrillof victory and the agony of defeat (visualize the dudefalling from the ski jump). Since many of you peoplelove the agony of defeat more than the thrill ofvictory, I will highlight my moments of agony whileparticipating in sports that will be played at thisyear's Olympics. Here are my personal sportslowlights: Basketball1.) Winter of 1990. My basketball team wasparticipating in a four team tournament competition.We were playing in the consolation game. My team wasdown by one point. My coach put me in the game withabout ten seconds left to stop the team from scoring.As I got in the game, I stole the ball immediately.Instead of calling timeout, I drove the length of thecourt only to get fouled by the opposing player. Downby one point with two free throw attempts, I missedboth free throws and we lost by one point. This was mylast game of organized basketball in my life!! 2.) Spring of 2001. After a game like that, I don'tplay basketball that often until one of my studentschallenged me to a game of basketball. The bet was: ifhe beats me 15-0, then I owe him lunch for a week. IfI get one point off of him, then I get lunch for aweek. Now, my student is about my size but a littlequicker. Yet, that quickness proved to be the key tohis success since he was beating me 12-0 when I quit.Needless to say, my student enjoyed Popeye's for aweek!! Soccer3.) Fall of 1986. You would think with performanceslike that, I probably didn't practice basketball thatmuch. Not true!! After leaving basketball practice, Iheaded to my soccer game over by the soccer fields atLake Kenosia (I am only being specific for my DanburyPAL soccer fans out there!). I was playing rightmidfield that day when the soccer ball was kicked uphigh in the air, perfect for a greater header. Insteadof using my head, I caught the ball with my hands andattempted to dribble it. Yes, I felt pretty stupid!! Track and Field4.) Spring of 1986. Stupidity is one thing whileembarrassment is another! I decided to run in theannual Danbury Track and Field Competition. In my agegroup for the 100 yard dash, I came in second placeout of two runners. I was killed in this competition.I was so embarrassed that I sat underneath thebleachers with my uncle. Baseball5.) Spring of 1985. If that was embarrassment, then Iwas completely humilated during my first and onlyattempt in pitching a baseball game. I remembertelling my baseball coach that I could throw the ballhard but I had no aim. He told me that I had a greatarm for the starting shortstop and I would be a greatpitcher. So I was forced to pitch my first game ofbaseball. Obviously, I didn't do well since I onlypitched once in my lifetime. I got a grand total ofTWO outs that day. I didn't even last a full inning.After my amazing 2/3 of inning, I was sent to rightfield for the remainder of the season. Never playedorganized baseball again!!! Summer of 2003. Playing wiffleball with my friends inCape Cod. I hit my friend with the wiffleball probably13 times. Even if I tried to hit him with the ball, Iwould probably miss him but sadly I was trying tothrow strikes and I hit him 13 times. Tennis6.) Spring of 1993. I was playing tennis against oneof the top rank junior tennis players in New England.I was getting killed by this guy and it wasn't helpingthat I was totally stinking up the joint. My serve,usually one of my strengths, was totally off this day.It was so bad that my opponent's mom was giving meadvice. Sad!! I should have quit after this day!! Swimming7.) Summer of 1996. Each of the camp counselors wererecommended to take a swimming test to see if theywere able to participate in certain activities aroundthe lake. They gave us this swimming test in theirpseudo-Olympic swimming pool. While I was swimming afew laps, I nearly drowned since my legs started tocramp in the middle of the pool. I thought I wasn'tgoing to make it out. I barely made it to the edge ofthe pool before I pitifully dragged my sorry body outof the pool. Swimming water taste good!!!! Do I really need to mention the time that a Frenchfamily tricked me into wearing a Speedo in France?Again, another shameful event in my lifetime. Gymnastics8.) Fall of 1981. After watching Superman, I decidedto do my best gymnastic dismount from a rather highledge. I broke my right arm pretty good that day!Thank you Tim Dagget!! Judo9.) Can't remember the date. I actually didn'tparticipate in any karate-like activities but mysister did, tae kwon doe. After one of her practices,she got mad at me and kicked me in the stomach. Idefiantly said that it didn't hurt and walkedupstairs. When I went into my room, I curled up in aball and laid there in a whole world of pain. X-Games10.) Spring 1993. I am really surprised thatcarsurfing is not an Olympic sport or at least anX-Game sport. Well, it was my senior year in highschool when I was stupid enough to ride the back of myfriend's car. As I was on the back of her car, shedecided to speed up the car and turn quickly.Obviously, I fell pretty hard. So hard, in fact, thatI have a scar on my knee to this day and, as I fell tomy demise off this white Chevy, I was knockedunconscious and had wet my pants. Speaking of sports that should be included in theOlympics, what about bowling? Remember, my BIGTIMEBIRTHDAY BOWLING BASH will be held on October 2nd(which is Badly Drawn Boy's birthday) in Meriden. 3hours of bowling, bowling shoes, and a whole lot offun for $12!!! You can't go wrong with that!!!! Anyways, I hope you enjoyed my lowlights in my sportscareer, you all are a bunch of sickos!!! SICKOS, Isay!! This is probably why you loved my mass email onthe things I HATE so much!! Enjoy the Olympics and,hopefully, no one at the Olympics will be dumb enoughto repeat anything that I mentioned in this massemail. GO TEAM USA!! Peace, Love, and a Steroid-free Olympics,-John

Olympics (August 2004)

2006-01-02T04:04:00.000-05:00

It is day four of the Olympics and here are my quick observations ofwhat I've seen in the first three days:

1.) Isn't annoying if you want to watch a specific event on one of thesix networks (NBC, BRAVO, CNBC, MSNBC, Telemundo, and USA - if you arescoring at home) that they don't tell you the actual time for thatevent but rather a "window" of opportunity to watch the events thatyou don't really want to watch before you get to watch the event thatyou tuned in for? When did Olympic coverage turn into the cable repairman or telephone dude when you have to hang out for a period ofseveral hours for an event that will last about 10-15 minutes?

2.) I think the evil schedulers at NBC are trying to trick us intowatching useless sporting events. I know you said it and I definitelysaid it but, when did diving become "synchronized"? Isn't diving hardenough? Who was the fool that came up with the idea of synchronizeddiving? What was this person thinking? The person who came up withthis was the probably the same guy who allowed jumping on a trampolineand running around with a ribbon an olympic event.

3.) Is it just me or was there too much butt crack and other thingsshowing when the dudes were diving? I don't think that I've seen thatmuch male body in my life and I really don't ever want to, despite theefforts of some random guys in the city of New Haven public parks.

4.) When did the Olympic swimmers change from their speedos to thathalf or full body active wear? Maybe these dudes should give theirclothes to the speedo-loving divers. Please give the divers moreclothes!!

5.) Speaking of fashion, if the rest of the world can catch of withthe US in men's basketball, then why can't the Eastern Europeannations, especially the female gymnasts, emulate our current fashiontrends instead of being stuck in the crappy 80s? These EasternEuropean nations love the faded colors from the 70s and they somehowmix these colors with the clothing styles of 80s. Please enter thismillennium when it comes to fashion!!

6.) Why do female gymnasts love to pour on the eyeshadow? I bet evenChristina Aguilera must cringe when she sees the amount of make upthat these girls wear.

7.) OK, I know that I do this but who cares!! Is it just me or doeseveryone think that they can be an Olympic judge especially ingymnastics or diving? If anyone saw the synchronized diving, then youwould have to admit that the "fix" was in for the British divers. Theywere so off that a few of my drunk buddies could have dove bettertogether than those British flunkies and received the same scores toget a silver medal. The Aussies definitely deserve the silver for that"event". Then again, why in the world am I arguing about such a loserevent?

8.) When did they change the gymnastics vault to that flat horsesaddle? Going back to scoring again, I would love to know how thejudges can take all of their deductions when everyone does the vaultso fast! The only deduction that I know is when they bounce at the endof their landing but after that I have no clue how they can take fourtenths off a vault performance unless someone falls and yet the judgescan mysteriously do it especially since they no longer want to award aperfect 10 again.

9.) When did they change the scoring in volleyball? I remember thedays when volleyball matches went up to 15 and you could only scorewhen you were serving. Now you can score points when you are notserving and games for indoor women go up to 25 and beach volleyballgoes up to 21. Although the games are much faster, I miss the epic oldschool Olympic volleyball matches like the ones between Brazil and theUnited States in 1984. Also, what is the deal with the person with adifferent color shirt for indoor volleyball? I don't understand thatrule!!

10.) I never knew that Bela Karolyi was married!! Where is Bela? Ithink it would be nice if Bela was coaching with his wife, Martha,instead of Martha coaching by herself. If Martha helps the US wingold, then I think the Kayolyi children will have to coach the nextgeneration of Olympic gymnastic. 11.) Why are Home Depot, VISA, and Pamela Anderson the major sponsorsof Olympic athletes? 12.) Finally, going back to my last mass email, I am a littledisappointed that I didn't get more support from my former teammatesabout my athletic prowess. Instead I get a crazy email from my sisterabout how I deserve a kick in the stomach!! So, this last comment isdedicated to my beloved sister. When my sister was in high school, my sister was jumping on and off abalance beam for gym class. She told me that she was able to jump onand off the balance beam rather cleanly like an Olympic gymnast. (Ihighly doubt this since my sister has a great tendency to fall downstairs and sometimes up the stairs if she is totally mental that day!)Anyways, she told everyone in her gym class to come over and watch herjump on the balance beam. As she tried to jump on the balance beam,she fell like Courtney Kupets did at the US Olympic trials and twistedher ankle in front of the whole gym class. There is a word forsomebody who acts like that and I think it rhymes with "pool". I amsure that my sister will have another email to clarify my story sinceshe will contend that my story is filled with so many lies. All I haveto say is don't believe anything that she writes. Peace, Love, and some Gold Medals,John

Ball/Draft Dodger (August 2004)

2006-01-02T04:03:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone, In exactly one week, I will start teach government again after a twoyear hiatus. I am anxiously awaiting to teach government againespecially during this great election year. Everywhere I went thissummer, I've been thinking about ways to include certain ideas andconcepts into the classroom. So normally, I would never enter theNixon Library but I thought I should go like a good Government and USHistory teacher to check out what they have there. While I was there,I got a few cool decorations for my classroom, presidential triviacards, and some buttons (yes, Mr. Paulishen, I got you a Nixon buttonsince I know how much you love him!!). I think one of the highlightsof my trip to the Nixon Library was seeing the signed autographed copyof John F. Kennedy's book Profiles in Courage. The inside cover had anice little message to Nixon since both men entered the US House ofRepresentatives in the same year. I often think that if Kennedy wasalive today that maybe, just maybe, I would be featured in PresidentKennedy's book Profiles in Courage for 2004 because of what happenedthe other day while I was in Southern California. I was going to Dodger Stadium with my cousins and their cousins. Itwas everyone's first trip to historic Dodger Stadium (well, historicfor the West Coast!). We were going to the stadium early to meet upwith another one of my cousins who is interning at Dodger Stadium inthe Public Relations office. As we were waiting to meet up with mycousin, we decided to check out batting practice. I decided to leadthe group into the bleachers in left field along the foul pole. Ichose the aisle two rows away from the moron with the glove. We allsat comfortably in our row enjoying the sights and sounds of DodgerStadium. I must admit that there is a lot to enjoy about DodgerStadium although the seat color somewhat reminds me of a psychedelicversion of Shea Stadium's orange seats because of Dodger Stadium'smulti-color seating sections. (I think this is where I should writethat my cousin who is interning at Dodger Stadium would like foreveryone to know that Dodger Stadium is the best stadium in the US.All I have to say is that she is very young and has not been to aballpark on the east coast!!) As my cousins and I were talking about the differences between Dodgerand Anaheim Stadiums, someone from our section in the left fieldbleachers yelled "heads up!". My cousins are still somewhat novicebaseball fans so they continued to talk while this person shouted.Since this was the 10th professional major league ballpark that I'veattended (out of a possible 30), I know exactly what to do whensomeone yells "heads up!". You look up!! A man would normally juststand there and watch the ball fly into his section. I, however, amnot that kind of man who loves to get hit by a baseball. So, Ishamelessly stood up and walked away from the area where the baseballwas heading towards. The area where the ball hit was on the elbow ofmy 11 year old cousin. When the ball hit her, she said that the balldidn't hurt. (Obviously, this 11 year old girl is a much more of a manthan I am!!) As the ball hit her elbow, the ball bounced off the elbowrest and headed straight towards the coward, I mean me, about a fewseats away from my cousins, they were all still sitting, when the ballhit my little cousin. Everyone ran over to the little girl to see ifshe was ok while I just wanted to catch the baseball in a GeorgeConstanza-like moment (although this never happened in Seinfeld, itdefinitely has that Seinfeldian feel to it since George pushedeveryone out of the way when he attended a children's birthday partyincluding a very elderly woman because he thought there was a fire!).Although I didn't push any small children, I did let a small girlreceive the brunt of the blow as I caught the ricochet off of herelbow. Sadly, I must admit that I was somewhat tempted to keep the baseballand enjoy the spoils of being at the right place at the right time. IfI kept the ball and told everyone that I catch a ball at DodgerStadium, then I guess it would be equivalent to President Bush sayinghe served his country courageously during the Vietnam War when hedodged the draft and headed to the Texas National Guard. I guess hedid an excellent job protecting our country from the Vietcong in Texasand Alabama (although we don't have any real records as to whether ornot he actually did anything in Alabama while he was there). Or Icould have given the ball to my little cousin who like Senator JohnKerry actually did something to warrant valor for their participationin a dangerous situation. Just like I will vote on November 2nd, Igave the ball to my little cousin because she actually did somethingto deserve the ball. I guess it is good to know that I haven't lostany of my character despite the fact that I attended the Nixon Librarylast week. Ball (draft) dodger,-Johnwww.geocities.com/wackyworldofwein PS- Don't forget, a month before the election will be my BIGTIMEBIRTHDAY BASH in Wallingford. Three hours of unlimited bowling andshoes for 12 bucks!!

Paper Towels (August 2004)

2006-01-02T04:01:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone, It is highly unusual for me to do back to back massemails but I must admit that the last email wasn'treally that good. I would have to agree with my friendwho recently moved to Maine when she wrote, "I, forone, thought your hate email was hilarious and while Iappreciated the things you love, it really didn't havethe entertainment value of the other." I couldn'tagree with her more. So, in honor of her and hermissing furniture somewhere in Arkansas which shouldhave arrived in Maine three weeks ago, here is mylatest mass email entry: ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Anyone who has gone drinking with me knows that I havea very weak bladder. Because of this, I must head tothe bathroom numerous times in a night. (Just in caseyou are wondering, I usually break the "seal" afterthe first two drinks unless I drank before the bars.Then I go again half way through my third beer. Thenafter that, one bathroom visit after or during eachbeer.) I am very careful when I am in the bathroom.While I'm in there, I practice the "no touch"philosophy where the less I touch things in thebathroom the better for me to escape without anydiseases. Lately, when I enter these restrooms, I'vetaken great interest in the way that people dry theirhands while they are in bathroom. Here are some of myobservations, in no particular order:

1.) Some guys like to do the whole air dry formula. Ilike to call this one "the big shake off". They'llflick the excess water either into the waste basket orright into the sink which sometimes splashes into themirror. They usually flick a few times since the firstflick never removes the all of the water on yourhands.

2.) Another way to dry one's hands is to use any pieceof your body part or clothes. I'll assume the mostfavorite piece of clothing to dry off one's hands area pair of shorts. Usually one will dry the palms firstalong the side of one's shorts and then if someone isclever, one would do the back of their hands on theway up the shorts. (You know that you do this when youare in the bathroom with no drying device!) I foundthat another bizarre way to dry your hands is throughyour hair or on your hat. I've caught myself doingthis a few times. This is the two for one session whenyou can fix your hair and dry your hands all in onemotion.

3.) The hand dryer is an oldie but a goodie especiallyfor little kids. The hand dryers that you have toactivate yourself is a little less desirable that thehand dryers that activate by themselves. Thoseautomatic ones are pretty cool. I think my biggestcomplaint about these machines is that the air is sopowerful and loud. It never seems to get all the wateroff in one touch! Another funny thing about the handdryer is the fact that the big square to activate themachine is usually activated by someone's elbow ratherthan one's hand which follows the "no touch" bathroomphilosophy. Hey, as long as you can use your elbows orif you can karate kick everything, it still fallsunder the "no touch" philosophy since you really don'twant to get your hands dirty!

4.) One of my least favorite ways to dry my hands isthe paper towel dispenser with the crank on the side.The only good thing about these machines is that youcan determine the size of the paper towel rather thanthe pre-determine paper towels with the pull downdispenser. One of the worst feelings in the bathroomis when you are using the crank on this paper toweldispenser and there is excess water on the crank andyou are hoping upon hope that the previous person hadcleaned his hands thoroughly before you use the samepaper towel dispenser.

5.) The pull down dispenser is a little better thanthe crank dispenser because you don't have to touchanything like a nasty old crank. However, if the pulldown dispenser is made like the ones in elementaryschool when you have to squeeze your fingers throughthe slits to grab the next paper towel since it didn'tmake it through, then the pull down is no better thanthe crank dispenser. Yet, the newer models of the pulldowns are rather cool with the baby wipe-like upsidedown dispenser. For those of you who can't visualizethis dispenser, these are the ones that have abarrel-like dispenser and you pull from the middle ofthe bottom and hopefully, if you pull hard enough,then you should get your paper towel and leave enoughfor the next person to pull but, boy, if that next oneis stuck in the this baby wipe-like dispenser then youare pretty much screwed for the night. (see number 1or #2) It is much worse to squeeze your fingersthrough this one than the elementary school one sinceyou have a greater chance to grab the elementaryschool paper towels out than the baby wipe-like one.

6.) I really don't like the fancy places with thepaper towels in the basket with felt or some kind offabric underneath the paper towels. I think this isplain foolish!! It is totally unnecessary. We are noteating these paper towels. We just need something todry our hands.

7.) Another thing about the fancy places are towels.Although they may feel nice, again you don't know howoften they are replaced. Also, they used to have thethin towel ones in a crank dispenser. Those really,really sucked since it usually never got sucked backinto the dispenser after getting a new section to wipeyour hands with it. It was like a long wet hangingtowel from a crappy looking white dispenser. Well, atleast, the ones that I saw. I haven't seen too much ofthese lately. Hopefully, these antiques are extinct.

8.) I know this has been said before but what is upwith the places that have a bathroom attendent? Ican't stand these places. I have no idea what theetiquette is for these places. How much to tip? Do youtip every single time that you go in there? If so,then I am going to lose a lot of money since I havesuch a weak bladder. Also, how long should I talk tohim for? Do I really want a piece of gum from thisdude? I think the piece of gum is the only thing thatI would touch in these places. It really freaks me outwhen they have a variety of colognes in there. Again,totally unnecessary! One of my worst experiences witha bathroom attendent was in Germany when I had abloody nose and the woman kept on screaming at meabout how I should stop bleeding so I would not spreadAIDS!!

9.) Currently, my favorite way to dry my hands are the automatic paper towel dispensers. I just used one recently in Maine for the first time. I was completely amazed with this machine. You have the wonderment ofusing an automatic machine, then you get a perfectlysized paper towel and finally, and more importantly,you uphold your "no touch" philosophy for thebathroom. Life is good!! Hopefully, with a better economy, every restaurant inAmerica will have an automatic paper towel dispenser.How's that for a campaign promise!! Speaking of fakecampaign positions, my friend from NYC forwarded methis link of Will Ferrell playing the presidential fora campaign ad for ACT (Americans Coming Together):www.whitehousewest.com ENJOY!!

Peace, Love, and Paper Towels,
John

Things I Love (August 2004)

2006-01-02T03:59:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone!

I guess I frightened a few people with the amount of venom in the my last email. I guess to demonstrate the bipolar side of me, I will write about the things that make me extremely happy.

1.) Badly Drawn Boy has just released his 4th album called "One Plus One is One". I just bought this amazing CD and I am anxiously awaiting his fall tour of the west coast during my birthday weekend. I guess I am going to follow the example of my friend, Jack, who saw his favorite band, Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes, on his 40th birthday and threw a kickass birthday party. However, I will not be as generous as Jack who bought tickets for his guests to see the show. Although if you are housing me while I am in Portland, Seattle, and San Francisco, then I'll glady buy a ticket for you if you wish!!

2.) I feel two sick days coming for the 7th and 8th (My sister's birthday) of October. I also LOVE the fact that Columbus Day weekend is usually around my birthday. Next school year, my 30th birthday is in the middle of two days off for Rosh Hashanah, one for Columbus and another for Yom Kippur.

3.) Speaking of my birthday, I guess since I am going to be in the Northwest for my birthday weekend, then that must mean that the BIGTIME BIRTHDAY BOWLING BASH will be on Saturday, October 2nd at the Wallingford Lanes where you can bowl for three hours for $12 bucks including shoes. How's this for shameless promotion of one's birthday? Also, I am giving you two months notice to come to the great state for some BIGTIME BOWLING!!!!! (This maybe subject to change but since hopefully none of you guys are planning anything that far in advance then block off the 2nd of October as a bowling day!!)

4.) Going back to my friend, Jack, again! Major props for him calling me from the floor of the Democratic National Convention in Boston. Rock on, brother!!! I am so freaking jealous!!! (Just in case you were keeping score at home, best speech goes to Rev. Al Sharpton, then Barack Obama, and third place to John Kerry)

5.) You know what is funny, I think this is the first time in my life when I have seen both presidential candidates in person. I saw John Kerry about 7 years ago in Cambridge, MA walking the streets and I saw President Bush at the presidential inauguration when he sped by us in his motorcade while being pelted by eggs. Anyone interested, there will be another major protest on August 29th, Sunday in New York City. Go to http://www.unitedforpeace.org/ for more information. See you there!!!

6.) Speaking of peace, I often thought that wars should be fought in a monster game of Dodgeball. I think Dodgeball is the greatest game invented on earth. If a nation has a problem with another nation, then they can settle their problems on the Dodgeball court. I can see it now, the Kurds wanting their own homeland and instead of going to the United Nations to settle this matter, the Kurds win their new homeland by defeating Iraq and Turkey on a Dodgeball court.

Yes, before you ask, I know about the professional Dodgeball league! The Certified Public Assassins defeated the Barbell Mafia two games to zero for the inaugural Dodgeball championship of the world. Sadly, I saw the whole tournament and league play this weekend during a latenight marathon on the Game Show Network. Thank you Game Show Network!!!

7.) Another good thing to watch in the middle of the night is the McEnroe show. It's a pretty sweet talk show. If the 1 am slot is too late, then tune in at 10pm weeknights on CNBC. It's the CNBC answer to the crazy, lunatic Dennis Miller on MsNBC. Also, of note, Al Franken will be on the Sundance channel with a one hour version of his radio show on Air America. Go Al Franken!! There was an Al Franken sighting in Boston during the convention by one of my friends there. She said she saw him at Faneuil Hall and proudly moved her bike for him to enter the area that she was blocking.

8.) Welcome back to my friends from the West coast moving back to the East Coast. Maine rocks!!! The best thing about Maine while I was there was that I saw this Chinese restaurant named Lo Maine. That is so funny to me since Lo Mein, or should I write Lo Maine, is one of my favorite Chinese foods. (Even typing Lo Maine makes me laugh!!)

9.) Since I occasionally do personal requests for my friends to include them in one of these mass emails, I would like to mention that I LOVE working with my department at my school in New Haven especially with educational giants like Mr. Jason Todd, Mr. Jack Paulishen, and Mr. Tony Gnolfo. (I really do care about the other people in my department but I don't have their email addresses. Also, I miss my old colleagues in Alexandria, VA!! Happy Birthday Kyle and Brian!!!)

10.) Speaking of birthdays, DON'T FORGET MY BIGTIME BIRTHDAY BOWLING BASH FOR OCTOBER 2ND!!!!!

Peace.
-John

Things I Hate (July 2004)

2006-01-02T03:54:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone!

Just the other day, I watched the movie "Kicking and Screaming" starring Eric Stoltz (his third best movie after Some Kind of Wonderful and Mr. Jealousy). This was the typical Eric Stoltz film where he plays the usual philosophy major who enjoys being in college forever. Although I think Mr. Stoltz's character was pretty damn cool, I was drawn to a minor character who was the angry writer. I think to honor this character, I will play an angry writer for this mass email because there are a lot of things right now that really pisses me off. Here is my list:

10.) The people who monitor emails at work for profanity and sexual content. Well, fuck you Mr. Email Screener!!

9.) Speaking of censorship, what is the deal with all of these freedom loving Americans who can't stand it when you speak your mind? When you speak positively of the president, it is known as being patriotic. However speaking negative about the president, you are being "too political" and you should shut the FUCK UP and leave the country. This doesn't appears to me to be freedom of speech. Also, what's up with the Aladdin hotel where Linda Ronstant was staying at kicking her out of the hotel when she dedicated a song to Michael Moore at a concert there? It appears that these freedom loving Americans love freedom of speech ONLY when they agree with you but if they don't agree with you then you are anti-American.

8.) So, let me exercise my freedom to speak my mind. Why in the world is the president suggesting that he is going to be the "Peace President" during his second term. This is equivalent of the firefighters from Seymour, CT purposely setting a house on fire and then tried to receive praise for putting the fire out. Needless to say, they got fired!! Who else will be fired this year?

7.) As I head to California next month, I am a little scared about their crazy governor calling the state legislators a bunch of "girly men". I am just curious if these girly men live on JAP Road? Recently, a Texas town wanted to honor Japanese immigrants by renaming a road "JAP Road". So many fucking stupid people!!

6.) However, stupidity is one of the few things in the world that is truly color blind and know no country borders. Another thing that I hate are the stupid people who actually run in the Tour de France in front of or along side the riders. These people are crazy idiots. These fools think it is the French version of the running of the bulls. I am totally glad when the riders push back the runners who are holding flags or bottles of water. One dude today run in front of the riders with a chicken outfit and nearly got run over. These bikers need to push a few of these screaming fools off those mountain cliffs. (As great as it is for Lance to win the Tour for the sixth time, I must say that it is pretty fucked up that Lance left his wife for Sheryl Crow. This is the same wife who he had three children with and was with him during cancer.)

5.) Speaking of dumb sports with dumb people, what is the going on with the average, common person playing poker in their own homes thinking that they are the next winner for the World Series of Poker. You are only playing for a couple of dollars as suppose to a couple of hundred thousand. You are not in Las Vegas!! (Political aside: I am starting to think that poker is truly a capitalist game while Blackjack is more of a communist game since everyone at the table wants to bring down the house! Damn bourgeouisie blackjack dealers!!)

4.) I can't stand people who will practice swinging a golf club without a golf club wherever they go. I bet if these guys were at a funeral and touched a coffin in a right to left fashion while praying then they would practice their pathetic golf swing right in front of the dead body!! Stop pretending to be Tiger or Phil!!

3.) Why is it so difficult for peope to understand that the words "maybe" and "no" are two different words? It appears that maybe is the kind way of saying no. These words do NOT mean the same thing, dumb fucks!! Also, I am really hating people who can't return my phone calls!!

2.) Another group of people that I hate are people who use their cellphones at concerts. They are either calling someone at the concert to find them and waving wildly or text messaging someone while an opening act is on the stage. You can go home and do this. You are at a concert to listen to music and not use your phone. I also hate anyone at a concert who scream "FREEBIRD". Go to hell Mother Fuckers!!

1.) Anyone who write top ten list!!

Love always,
-John

Sleeping Pods (July 2004)

2006-01-02T03:52:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone!
Recently in New York City, Mayor Bloomberg has ordered the NYPD to ticket anyone at a beach past six o'clock because there are no lifeguards on duty. Crazy Bloomberg is at it again!! Can't people rest and enjoy themselves in peace? These people are not trying to start problems. I can totally understand since I usually like to go to a park and/or beach to find a little peace and quiet. Although I am not quite sure whether I will be going to a park any time soon for a nap after a random old guy knocked on my car window at 10 in the morning to ask me if I wanted any "company".
To combat this issue of not having a quiet nap area during the day, a New York company, MetroNaps, has opened a place where New Yorkers can rest themselves in a futuristic napping pod on the 24th floor in the Empire State Building. The fee is a mere $14 for a glorious Americanized siesta. I think they should charge $20 for an opportunity to sleep on the floor pads that you used to sleep on when you were in kindergarten. This sounds like the greatest business venture since the mass production of the white t-shirt. (Why does Abercrombie and Fitch insist on selling their t-shirts at $29.50?)
Speaking of clothing or in this case a lack there of, a drunken Swede was found naked underneath a gate in Olso. He was trapped naked there for FOUR hours until someone saw his naked legs through the gate onto the sidewalk. It appears the drunken individual wanted to meet this young lady. After being rebuffed, he tried to go home but realized that the apartment gate was locked so he tried to climb under it. After one attempt with his clothes on, he thought he could escape freely without any clothes. Boy, was he wrong for FOUR hours!! The camera crews were there to capture this rescue. After he was freed, the media asked this individual what his name was. According to MSNBC, he responded that it was "fine beef". (According to an English to Swedish website, "fine beef" is translated to "fin bif" in Swedish for my Swedish speaking fans.) What a FANTASTIC name!! FIN BIF!!!!!!
After reading this article, this made me think! Maybe for me to meet more ladies, I should change my name. I think I am going to change my name to "thit bo ngo", which is Vietnamese for "fine beef". Although since fine beef is already taken in Swedish, I think I am going to officially change my name to "thit bo ngot", which is "sweet beef" in Vietnamese. So, the next time that you see me, you must either call me "thit bo ngot" or "sweet beef" for my English only speaking readers. With a name like "sweet beef" or "thit bo ngot", the only people that will be knocking on my car window at 10 in the morning in a park are going to be some fine looking women.
Yours truly,
Thit Bo Ngot

PS- Major props to Nanci for doing the Kobayashi Shake at a restaurant to make more room in her stomach for some food (To keep with the theme of this email I was going to write " some sweet beef" instead of food but that sounded so wrong!). Keep on shakin' my friends!!!

Opposite of Koyayashi Shake (July 2004)

2006-01-02T03:51:00.001-05:00

Hello Everyone!!After a long hiatus from writing mass emails, I thinkyou all will be receiving a whole bunch of mass emailsthis summer since I am now starting to get bored with my summer vacation. When I start getting bored, I begin to question my existence and career choice. After reading the headlines in the newspaper, I think it is time for me to stop teaching. Recently, a 17 year old student from the greatestschool district in the world, New Haven PublicSchools, shot a 20 year old kid last week. However,don't get too sad because this isn't your normal innercity violence. It appears that the 20 year old askedthe 17 year old to shoot him because the 20 year oldwanted to avoid the draft. Yes, ladies and gentlemen,the boy actually thought there was a draft and theonly way to avoid getting drafted for the war againstterrorism was to get shot in the leg!!Now, here is the really interesting thing about thisstory to me. There were probably a few people whowitnessed this shooting because the police found outwhat happened from the neighborhood kids. You would think that out of the group of kids who knew about this shooting AT LEAST one of them would mention to the 20 year old that there is NO DRAFT! Who gave these kids the idea that there is a draft? Could it be possible that several of these students attended a history class at Hillhouse High School where there was a Question of the Day pertaining to the possibility of a draft given to them by an Asian American teacher? If so, then I feel like I should give up teaching and throw myself out of my classroom window (also known as the opposite of the Kobayashi Shake!). This is the same feeling I get when my students think that Texas is in Mexico or when they didn't believe me when I told them that Vietnam won the Vietnam War against the United States. What in the world are my students learning in my classes? However, before I start losing a few pounds to fitthrough the tiny window and launch myself off thesecond floor (Tony, you'll finally get your classroomnow!), there is one slight success story I would liketo share. One of my former students from Virginia, who will be turning 21 this Saturday (Happy Birthday,Greg! You'll get your free drinks soon!!), was an intern stationed at the White House for one of the press corps outlets. It was a proud moment to discover that one of my students did something with government after completing my government class. Yet, despite his success story, I am still haunted by the trouble of that same government class when they went to the US Capitol. This was the very same class that had two girls fight inside the US Capitol down a flight of stairs. This was another day when I wanted to do the opposite of the Kobayashi shake!!It was probably the stupidest thing ever done in theUS Capitol up until a few days ago when our belovedVice-President Cheney told Senator Leahy to "go fuckhimself" (I would normally censor myself but since the Washington Post printed this phrase a few weeks ago I think it would be ok for my little mass email) on the Senate floor. I think it is time for the vice-president to do the opposite of the Kobayashi shake as well. Despite my questionable career choice, at least I amnot my assistant principal who was caught with cocaine while the police searched his house for forgeddocuments pertaining to illegal money that heallegedly stole from a summer program. I think myassistant principal will be joining the vice-presidentfor the opposite version of the Kobayashi shake. Soeven though you may think that you are having a badday, there is always someone else who is having aworse off day than yourself!! Keep having a Kobayashi shakin' summer!!!! Peace and love,-John!

Kobayashi Shake (July 2004)

2006-01-02T03:51:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone!

After a few loads of laundry and a couple bags of garbage and numerous hours sorting out my end of the school year papers, I am finally able to write a mass email again. Why, you might ask, am I now able to write my long awaited mass email, which is as much anticipated as the next Harry Potter book (so, I've been told by the voices in my head)? Well, because I've finally cleaned my room for the first time all year!!

How do I celebrate this once in year accomplishment? With a drink? Nope. I don't need a reason like this to drink.

How about dropping to my knees and throwing up my racket in the air like Maria Sharapova did when she won Wimbledon? Can't do that because I broke my string in my racket the other day and just lost my summer job teaching tennis due to budget cuts so I am not in the mood to be celebrating like a tennis player.

How about a dance move? Harlem shake? Well, I only do that for my grandmother to cheer her up.

What about a combination of the sports celebration with the dance move? I've got it! I should celebrate the great accomplishment of cleaning my room with the Kobayashi shake. Let me do it right now!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

For those of you not familiar with the Kobayashi shake, this is the move that Kobayashi does when he eats hot dogs at the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island. Takeru "The Tsunami" Kobayashi shakes his whole body to make room in his belly for the hot dogs.

When eating hot dogs, the average person would just chew and swallow the hot dog. However, when you are the world record holder for hot dog eating, you shove hot dogs in your mouth with both hands. Then you shake your body like a polaroid (the readers and fans moan with disgust for stealing the overused line from Outkast). Finally, you snap your head back and forth to put the finishing touches on eating a hot dog.

For those of you not keeping score at home, the Tsunami ate a record 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes this year breaking his previous record of 50.5 hot dogs in 2002. He ate one dog for every 13.5 seconds for 12 minutes straight!! For those of you who missed this amazing feat, you can go to espn.com to watch it again and again and again. It is absolutely incredible!!

Speaking of ESPN and the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, I met the guy who wrote the press release for the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest for ESPN at my cousin's fantastic 4th of July party. As we were talking about the world's greatest sporting event, I discovered that he made an error on his press release about Kobayashi. All I have to say is who knows Kobayashi? Time to celebrate my knowledge on Kobayashi with a Kobayashi shake.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

I love this Kobayashi shake! I think I can do this all day and night long. I would encourage people to tell me their wonderful news so I can do the Kobayashi shake more often. Here's hoping that you can have a Kobayashi shakin' summer!! Let's Kobayashi shake the summer away!!

Peace, love, and shakin' away,
John

Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest (June 2004)

2006-01-02T03:48:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone!!

My aunt in California always screams "uplifting" when the discussion gets a little sad. So in memory of one of my colleagues in New Haven who is feeling really sad, I am going to write about the most uplifting event in the history of humankind: The Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island. This remarkable contest of man versus meat by-products is held annually on the 4th of July. Athletes from all over the world will compete on the corner of Surf and Stillwell Avenues in Coney Island for the most coveted prize in all of sports: The Mustard Yellow International Belt of Hot Dog Eating. For the past two years, a 5 foot 7, 113 pound Japanese little giant named Takeru "The Tsunami" Kobayasahi captured the coveted Mustard Yellow International Belt. On July 4, 2001, the Tsunami flipped the world of hot dog eating upside down when he smashed the previous record of 25 hot dogs in 12 minutes by eating 50 hot dogs. He was able to squash the previous record by employing a double-fisted hot dog eating approach which has been nicknamed "The Double Japanese" or "The Solomon Technique". After setting the record in 2001, he broke it again in 2002 when he ate 50 1/2 hot dogs.

However, there was been great controversy in his last victory. Some people feel that he suffered a "roman method incident" which is the International Federation of Competitive Eating's (IFOCE) term for regurgitating which is an automatic disqualification. When the 12 minute time limit was called, it looked like there was some leakage from his nose onto his fingers in what appeared to be bits of liquid buns. In a moment reminiscent of a NBA referee judging a last second buzzer beating final shot, the IFOCE commissioner named Mike Devito ruled that the Tsunami's tiny rain storm of bun bits came after the bell which made Takeru "The Tsunami" Kobayashi's victory official.

(You can see it now, the Disney-like ending when everyone storms the area around the 30 foot hot dog eating table to lift Kobayashi on their shoulders. As the Tsunami is on their shoulders, he looks around for his love interest who is dressed in a pro-vegetarian VivaVegie pea pod costume to protest the contest. After she sees him win, she runs and takes off her costume and runs into the arms of Kobayashi and they live happily ever after!!)

With a potential ending like that, how could you not want to join me with a few of my friends to watch the 88th annual (although it maybe the 86th because I read that it was cancelled in 1941 and 1971) Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest on Coney Island for the 4th of July at noon? After the festivities, one of my friends has tentatively proposed to have a barbeque at her place in the Upper East side. We are thinking about having a hot dog eating contest of our own. This contest will be equivalent to a 100 yard dash where people will be judged by how fast they can eat one hot dog. Hopefully, my cousin Leo who is a doctor can preside over this contest just in case there is a medical mishap (if you can't go Leo, there are some girls at this party that would like your doctor friends to come!). A medical mishap is probably likely with me since I nearly died when I was a little kid when I tried to swallow a hot dog whole. Thank goodness for my brother who rescued me.

With a month's notice, I anticipate everyone clearing out their schedules to watch the world's greatest sporting event at Coney Island on the 4th of July. I am actually ending my vacation out in San Francisco early to fly back in time for the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating contest. Come and join the fun by watching the world's greatest athletes compete for the coveted Mustard Yellow International Belt of Hot Dog Eating.

Your Favorite Hot Dog Eating Fanatic,
John

Hunter Hammond (April 2004)

2006-01-02T03:31:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone!!

It has been exactly one year since I became the infamous but loveable Hunter Hammond. For those of you who don't know the story on how I became Hunter Hammond, I will briefly discuss this cruel practical joke (for those who do know this story, skim down to the new material below the line).

On March 28, 2003, I went to a happy hour at a bar named Ramparts with my former colleagues in Alexandria, VA. This was when I first met the original Hunter Hammond. As we were talking, I realized that she quickly became disgusted by me (like many women that I talk to at bars). She seemed rather annoyed about the stories of my silly antics that I used to play on my former co-workers at TC Williams. After she left, I noticed that a teacher from my old school, who many people feel is rather a jerk since he has a bumbling way of interacting with women, appeared to have expressed romantic interests about Ms. Hunter Hammond.

I decided when I got back from DC to email him and pretend to be Ms. Hunter Hammond (I especially wanted to use her name because she was so disgusted by me). So I set up a fake email account on yahoo (hunter_hammond2003@yahoo.com) to email this person on April 1st (aka April Fools' Day). Here is the original email:

Hi S.,
I was wondering if you wanted to hang out for a few drinks tonight around 7:30 at Zig's. I would really like to be with you alone without the Ramparts crew. It will be great to see you. Stop by my room today so we can finalize everything. Cool!
-Hunter

He responded:

Hey, Hunter.I'd love to but I can't tonight. I have a Board of Directors meeting for the EAA and then I have a soccer game to go play in. How about tomorrow night? Are you busy?
-S.

OK, when I wrote this, I did NOT think that he was going to believe that I was the original Hunter Hammond because, you know, it was April Fools' Day. However, he was not clever enough to realize that this was a joke. I actually felt bad about this and did not bother to email him to keep the joke going. About a month later, I had dinner with a girlfriend of a friend from my old school. She asked me if I was the fake Hunter Hammond. I was amazed that this was brought up since I totally forgot about this incident a month later. I was laughing so hard because I couldn't believe what kind of problems this incident caused in my former department. It took them three days for them to realize that it was me!! Good times!

------------------------------------------------------

Alright, now for present day information. I am starting to believe that I don't exist. This feeling started around this past Christmas when one of my friends sent me a Christmas card. Instead of writing it to me, they addressed the Christmas card to HUNTER HAMMOND. Since this holiday season, I haven't received one letter. For some of you who have written actual letters to me, they were sent back because it appears that the postal service believes that Hunter Hammond lives at 20 4th Street in Meriden as suppose to yours truly. It appears that my cruel April Fools' joke has now backfired on me.

For those of you with a little time on their hands and two stamps, I was wondering if you can participate in a little experiment for me. I am curious to see if a letter addressed to Hunter Hammond will be delivered here or a letter addressed to me. I would greatly appreciate it if you can do this for me since I am too lazy to tell the postal service that I live here. This is much more amusing for me to do as suppose to a simple phone call to the postal service.

Hunter Hammond
20 Fourth Street
Meriden, CT 06451

----------------------------------------------------

Since this is April Fools' Day, I wanted to write a few random stories that are TRUE but a little disturbing:

1.) When I went to the bathroom at the hotel for the social studies conference last week, a man was talking on the phone while going to the bathroom. He was sitting on the toilet while talking to his kids in a little kids' voice. This really grossed me out! I went to the bathroom rather quickly so I wouldn't have to listen to him. (Not that I normally hang out in the bathroom and listen to people)

2.) When I flew out to California last month, I saw this woman standing in the flight attendant's serving area. She stood there downing glasses of white wine. She finished two drinks while I was there. Then a flight attendant walked by and left a tray with more wine white. She took a quick sip from one glass and then put it back on the tray. The flight attendant returned and grabbed the tray including the glass that the woman drank from and served it to the people sitting in coach.

3.) Helpful hint to get a free roundtrip ticket from the airlines. If you know that the airlines are really busy that day, try getting bumped from your flight. I accidently found this out when I sat at the bar watching a hockey game for too long. When I finally got up to the counter, they gave my seat away. In return, I got a free roundtrip ticket and a bump up to first class.

4.) A student yelled at a teacher at my school and said that he learned more from his teacher in prison than the teacher at my school. (Thank you Candy Man!)

5.) I recently found out that a principal (not my principal) put out a cigar on a student's forehead and then asked that student, "who da man?". The student replied, "you da man!". That student didn't cause a problem again.

GO UCONN MEN and WOMEN!!!

Peace and love,
-John

NCAA commercials (March 2004)

2006-01-02T03:30:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone!

I usually write mass emails about some great adventure or vacation that I had. Well, this weekend, I did absolutely nothing!! Nada! I sat around all weekend and watched nearly 24 hours of wall-to-wall basketball. Now, I am not quite sure if any of you watched the NCAA tournament this weekend but if you did, then you couldn't miss these two commercials. The first set of commercials that really bothered me the most were the ones on the NCAA. If you didn't watch the tournament this weekend, these commercials were about how most athletes are in college for an education (wow! what a concept!! people in college to get an education!). I have no problem with the message that these commercials are trying to present to the public, despite my sentiments in the above sentence. However, the number of times that the CBS played it this weekend was truly excruciating! I think CBS played these commercials more times than they played the Cialis (tadalafil for my pharmaceutical fans out there) commercial during the Super Bowl. Why does the NCAA need to produce so many commercials about the NCAA during the NCAA tournament? We all know about the NCAA. They don't need to tell us about the NCAA. NCAA were the letters in big bold print in the middle of the sheet for the office pool for the NCAA tournament. I wrote NCAA ten times (including this time) which is probably less times than they played those commercials during the halftimes of the exciting games this past weekend. You may ask yourself (well, pretend at least!) how could CBS play those commercials more than ten times in one halftime? Well, when CBS would cut to another game during halftime, they would show a minute or so of the new game and then that game would cut to another commercial because your region was watching another region's commercial feed. Those evil CBS commercial dictators!!

The other set of commercials that really bothered me this weekend were those dumb Burger King ads about ordering your own whopper. I must admit that those ads were rather funny about the office workers ordering whoppers during lunch time but what is the big deal about ordering your whopper your way? Wow, I get to have an original whopper with double bacon and no mayo or no onions or whatever! Who cares!! Are customers from Burger King going to be as anal as the people who order at Starbucks? Will the same people who say, "I would like to have a grande caramel macchiato with 1% and equal and half espresso and half decaf topped with whipped cream on top" start going to Burger King asking for whoppers that are "medium-well burgers with toasted buns with extra mayo and bacon, no onion and pickles and leave the ketchup on the side". I really wonder if Burger King will start to change the interior of its restaurants to make it more comfortable for its customers. Instead of having those uncomfortable benches and tables, they will install sofas and chairs just like Starbucks. Then Burger Kings will be the new places to hang out at to look cool. Pretty soon, you'll have people going there to watch other people who are at Burger King. They'll sit at the tables at Burger King for a long time chatting about their miserable lives or someone else they know. Then you'll get those college students working at a table taking up four chairs instead of sitting at a table with just two chairs. Burger King will become the new Starbucks!! The reason for this great transformation from the old Burger King to the new Burger King is because that you get to order your whopper your own way. Now, this is truly a democracy when you get to order your whopper your own way!! Long live America!! How can this country go wrong when you can have order your whopper your own way and college students going to school for an education? Thank you Burger King and the NCAA!! Also, bigger thanks for CBS for showing all those wonderful commercials over and over and over and over again!! Enjoy March Madness!! GO UCONN!!!!

-John

Hamburgers (March 2004)

2006-01-02T03:29:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone!!

Last Thursday and Friday, I went to the Northeast Regional Conference for Social Studies in New Haven. I hadn't been to this conference since I was a graduate student at the University of Connecticut. To show that I was representing my university, I wore my old UCONN school of education t-shirt which says, "In the Class of 1999, 710 people will graduate from the University of Connecticut with degrees in the combined Social Sciences, of that 710, only 14 will be good enough to teach." (The 14 names are listed below that statement including yours truly.) I must admit that this was probably one of the best conferences that I ever went to. Some of the highlights were seeing the original Emancipation Proclamation, listening to two wonderful speakers from the US State Department and Newsweek, participating in a historical poem workshop where I wrote a two voice poem on Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton, and discovering amazing and interesting local history from the great state of Connecticut.

The most fascinating piece of local history was from an article written by Charles Monagan on the origins of the first hamburger. Four states can lay claim to the possible place of origin for the first hamburger. (You can think of this as the hamburger version of the Final Four!) The first state in this final four of hamburger heaven is from the cheesehead state, Wisconsin. The cheeseheads believe that a 15 year old boy named Charlie Nagreen created the first hamburger when he took meatballs and shoved them into two pieces of bread at the Outagamie County Fair in 1891. However, I do not think that this is a hamburger since a sandwich with a meatball in it is known as a MEATBALL sandwich and not a hamburger. Sorry, Wisconsin, you lose again like you did when you lost to Pittsburgh 59-55.

Then you have the Menches brothers from Ohio who allegedly substituted ground beef for pork on the county fair circuit which included a stop in Hamburg, NY. This sounds more like a pit-beef sandwich as suppose as to a hamburger. (Mmmm, I miss the pit-beef barbecue sandwiches from Maryland and Virginia). Pit-beef sandwiches are probably what made President William Howard Taft, from the state of Ohio, the fattest president in US History who weighed over 300 pounds.

Next, you have the crazy state of Texas (no joke needed here since they are a walking punchline). A man named Fletch Davis (again, no joke needed with a name like Fletch) served a beef patty with an onion slice between two pieces of his homemade Texas toast. Fletch probably was eating steak and eggs for breakfast and mixed up his food on his plate and claimed it was a hamburger. Can you really believe that the state of Texas can contribute anything significant to the world? (OK, I think your Spam Olympics is rather cool but besides that I think it is time to give you guys back to Mexico!)

Finally, the great state of Connecticut where the first hamburger was ACTUALLY made back in 1900 in the city of New Haven, where also only the finest teachers teach. A man named Louis Lassen owned a restaurant on Meadow Street where a customer said that he was in a rush and needed a meal on the run. So Mr. Lassen, the inventor of the first hamburger, grabbed a piece of beef broiled it and put it between two toasted bread. As Mr. Montagan noted, what separates this story from the other stories is that his store is still located in New Haven while the other ones exist according to folk lore and have no reputable evidence to support it. Once again, the great state of Connecticut is the winner!! It is the home of the hamburger and the two greatest basketball teams in the NCAA's. GO UCONN!!!!

In Beef I Trust,
-John

Odds (March 2004)

2006-01-02T03:26:00.000-05:00

HELLO EVERYONE!!! (a muted shout for my friends who are a little sluggish this morning!)

I would like to apologize to all of my faithful readers for taking such a long vacation break from writing these glorious mass emails. The reason for this long break is due to the amount of preparation for all the amazing activities for the month of March. Indeed, it is March Madness again and I have so much to do for this incredible month. The first thing that I have to do is organize the welcome events for the city of Danbury's newest citizen, Martha Stewart, who will be attending the finest Federal Penitentiary that this great country has to offer. Although it is going to be difficult to please the domestic goddess, I will utilize the helpful hints from the five guys from Queer Eye to make my hometown so beautiful for such a huge celebrity. Also, to make matters worse for the Danbury prison, they may have to prepare another cubicle (there are no real jail cells at club fed in Danbury!) for a new prisoner. Although this woman is not as popular as Martha Stewart, once you discover what her defense argument is then you'll never forget Ms. Heather Specyalski. Ms. Specyalski had a whirlwind affair with a prominent Hartford businessman named Neil Esposito. In a Hartford Courant interview, Ms. Specyalski said that her time with him was like the move "Pretty Woman" minus the prostitution part.

While the couple was driving home from a Halloween party in 1999, they were involved in a single car crash on route 9 killing Mr. Esposito and severely injuring Ms. Specyalski. Initially, the police believed that Mr. Esposito was driving. With those initial charges, Ms. Specyalski sued the estate of Mr. Esposito for reckless driving and disfiguring Ms. Specylaski, who is a former model. However, after reopening the case, the police arrested Ms. Specyalski and charged her with second degree manslaughter because they believed that she was driving. In her defense, Ms. Specylaski recently said that she could not have driven the car because she was performing oral sex to Mr. Esposito while he was driving. What a great defense argument for this former model and high school basketball star!! I guess this situation is more similar to Pretty Woman than we all thought!!

Speaking of basketball (smooth transition?), it is March Madness again! I won't spend too much time writing the same thing as last year's mass email about how you don't need to know anything to be the winner of your NCAA tournament office pool. (Case in point, Mrs. Ginty who won an office pool last year without even knowing that she entered it!) However, if you want like some professional advice this year, then I would suggest for you to follow the bookies from England. The odds on favorite for this year's tournament is Duke (5/1) followed by Kentucky and Stanford with (6/1) and the greatest university in the world UCONN (7/1). The team with the worst odds is Florida A&M with 1,000 to 1 odds.

The oddsmakers from England's William Hill have another 1,000 to 1 odds bet. The odds of Florida A&M winning the tournament is literally the same odds as the Second Coming of Jesus Christ(you can honestly place this bet with them!). Although pouring white paint on yourself and standing on the streets of Cromwell, CT does not constitute the second coming of Jesus Christ (a man really did this after watching the Passion of Christ). Recently, Dr. Stephen Urwin, a risk assessor and graduate from Manchester University, calculated that the chances of god existing at 67%. He said that he utilized multiple age old formulas to figure out the chances of the existence of god (I feel like playing a game of Card Sharks and shouting either "HIGHER" or "LOWER" at that random number of 67%). Dr. Urkin admits though, without his scientific calculations, he personally believes that there is a 95% chance that god exists.

These 1,000 to 1 bets seem rather bizarre and they appear that no one will ever cash out on them. Yet, in 1969, David Thelfall collected 10,000 pounds from William Hill oddsmakers for a 10 pound bet on whether a man will land on the moon. Just in case you are wondering, the current odds for a man to land on the moon by the end of the decade is 10/1. (Did you realize that next year is the midway point to this decade? Where did all of the time go?) While it is 50/1 that a man will walk on Mars by December 31, 2030. These recent odds were made because of President Bush's remarks on landing a man on the moon again. William Hill place 3/5 odds that Bush will win the election this year while Kerry has 6/5 odds. As weird as the other bets are, I think the weirdest bet that I saw on one of the betting websites was the bet for Mimi Rogers to win the whole Bellagio Poker tournament this year (249/1). Who knew?

So in honor of the gamblers out there, place your bets everyone while you have the time. Although, as I say when I proctor any test, USE YOUR TIME WISELY!! (I say this in a slow and menacing manner!) Especially when you think about it, we are nearing the midway point to this decade so we need to enjoy these moments while the odds are in our favor! Peace and love!

-John

My Love for Sonya Thomas (February 2004)

2006-01-02T03:25:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone!

I only have 10 more shopping days to get my new love interest, Sonya Thomas from Alexandria, Va, as many gifts as humanly possible to express my great love for her on Valentine's Day. Most people buy their loved ones gifts from the mall. However, I will buy Sonya her gifts from the supermarket. My shopping list for her is: 65 hard-boiled eggs, 25 hot dogs, 43 1/2 tacos, 7 12-ounce burgers, 7 3/4 pounds of a turducken, 23 barbecue sandwiches, 4 pounds and 14 ounces of fruitcake, and 167 wings. I know what you are thinking, "why in the world would you want to get those food items for a lady on such a romantic day?" Well, when you are in love with the world's greatest woman competitive eater, then you need to get her 65 hard-boiled eggs to eat in 6 minutes, 25 hot dogs in 12 minutes at the Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest (where I first saw her), 43 1/2 tacos in 11 minutes, 7 12-ounce burgers in 10 minutes, 7 3/4 pounds of a turducken in 10 minutes, 23 barbecue sandwiches in 12 minutes, 4 pounds and 14 ounces of fruitcake in 10 minutes, and 167 wings in 30 minutes. Any woman that can swallow that much in that short of time is my kind of woman!!!

Sonya Thomas' biggest victory came this past Friday when she won the 12th annual Wings Bowl at the Wachovia Center in Philadelphia which was, by far, the most important sports event this past weekend. Ms. Thomas defeated Ed "The Cookie" Jarvis 167 wings to 165 wings in overtime. This was the closest wings competition in Wings Bowl history. This 99 pound woman devoured down the greatest American hot dog eater as well as the other 8 men which earned her the nickname "The Black Widow". She won numerous contests last year against many of the world's greatest eaters. Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas also won the 2003 Rookie of Year from the International Federation of Competitive Eating.

-----------------------------------

Speaking of eating and killing, what in the world is happening in Germany? A 42 year old computer expert, Armin Meiwes, was sentenced to 8 1/2 years in jail for eating a man. However, this isn't your normal cannibal story!! Armin participated in the weird world of online cannibals where they talk about eating or being eaten by other humans in their bizarre chat rooms. According to the Guardian from the United Kingdom, they estimate at least 800 active members in these cannibal forums. However, Armin met only 4 men who wanted to be eaten by him. Which made me wonder... what was the interview process like for this sick process?

1.) What are your qualifications to be eaten by me?
2.) What is your philosophy on cannibalism?
3.) What are your goals if you are eaten by me?
4.) Where do you see yourself in a few years?
5.) How would you liked to be prepared if I choose you?

Actually, in the news article that I read about this German cannibal, the article explains how the person who was killed wanted to be killed. The "victim" named Bernd Jurgen Brandes wanted to be stabbed to death after drinking a bottle of cold medicine. (Right now, you probably are staring at the computer scene in disgust and confusion which is very much the same way I looked when I typed this.) I can't believe people would willingly participate in this kind of disgusting behavior.

------------------------------------------------

I think it is time for the Germans to watch more coverage of the beautiful Sonya Thomas eating 65 hard-boiled eggs, 25 hot dogs, 43 1/2 tacos, 7 12-ounce burgers, 7 3/4 pounds of a turducken, 23 barbecue sandwiches, 4 pounds and 14 ounces of fruitcake, and 167 wings. Any woman that can eat that much food and only weigh 99 pounds is a food goddess. She is why I am in love in the season of love. After reading that crazy story, the world needs more love.

Peace and love,
-John

Year of the Rat (January 2004)

2006-01-02T03:23:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone!

Last weekend when I was headed to a concert in Providence, I was boring my
friend to death with numerous stories about the great one, Damon Gough aka
Badly Drawn Boy. Since I love to bore people to a quiet slumber which is
probably why I became a teacher, I will tell another story about Badly Drawn
Boy. After coming home from the Providence/Boston trip, I decided to tune in
to a documentary on the amazing career of Badly Drawn Boy on BBC2 radio.
This documentary featured new stuff from his upcoming album "One Plus One is
One". Mr. Gough acknowledged the bad math(add a "s" to the word math if you
are in England) but explained that one of the meanings of the title was that
the two of us together make up one. Two of the songs from the album appears
to have special meaning to me.

One of the songs is entitled "Year of the Rat". Although this past Thursday
was the beginning of the New Year which is the "Year of the Monkey" (if you
are keeping score at home it is 4701), this past year will always be the
Year of the Rat. The reason for this is that my grandfather was born in 1924
which happens to be the Year of the Rat. At the beginning of this New Year,
it is the one year anniversary of my grandfather's death. (I won't highlight
my grandfather's life since it is the mass email entitled "Honestly" from
<http://www.geocities.com/wackyworldofwein> ) However, there are a few
things I would like to mention that I miss about him since he passed away
about a year ago which are his smile and laugh. He had such a funny laugh
because it wasn't a consistent laugh but more of a stuttering laugh with
pauses in it. When I was younger, I use to imitate it in front of my father
and grandfather. My father would give me the beat down because he thought I
was being disrespectful to my grandfather but my grandfather didn't care. He
would always laugh at my imitation of his laugh. Near the end of his life, I
would do stupid things just to make him laugh. One of the more dumber things
I would do would be my version of the "Harlem Shake" (something none of you
will ever see!).

A part of a song featured on this documentary has a phrase taken from
Damon's grandfather's gravestone which reads "to live in the hearts of those
you loved is not to die". The song continues with "summer feels like it is
over, winter is on the way; summer takes all the glory, blue skies turns
into gray". As my family prepares for a family mass to commemorate my
grandfather today, I firmly believe that even though my grandfather is no
longer physically with us, he definitely lives in the hearts of everyone who
will be attending this service. As the minus temperature winds blow through
the creaks of my parents' house, we definitely know that winter is here and
the blue skies will turn into gray tonight as the Connecticut prepares for a
little more snow tonight.

The documentary finishes with the chorus from the Year of the Rat sung by a
children's choir which is:

Everybody needs to know it's the year of rat
Everyday we need to hold on
'cause if we hold on
We can find some new energy

This kind of new energy always reinvigorates my soul. My soul will be
renewed today as the majority of my family comes together in memory of my
grandfather.

Happy New Year Everyone! Peace and love always,

John

Scrabble Mania (January 2004)

2006-01-02T03:22:00.000-05:00

In the game of Scrabble, the word "SCRABBLE" with one of the B's as a blank adds up to 11 points. 11 is also the number of hours that I played scrabble this past weekend at my friend's place.

At the end of the eleven hours, I felt like the blank tile. The blank tile is worth zero points. Zero is the number of times that I won this past weekend.

I was the big, fat loser during these eleven hours of scrabble mania. The word "LOSER" adds up to 5 points. 5 is the number of times that I lost this weekend.

The word ONE actually adds up to three points. However, with two blanks, ONE equals one point. One is the number of times that I tied this weekend.

The word BINGO is worth 7 points. You need to use all 7 tiles in your tray to get an additional 50 points. When you use all 7 tiles, it is called a bingo. I have never bingoed during all of my times playing scrabble. My friend, Ali, got two bingoes this weekend and whipped my butt.

The word ALI is worth 3 points. JOHN is worth 14 points. However, since I was unable to draw the J and the H, my name is only worth 2 points. Ali wins again!!! She is completely evil!

EVIL is worth seven points. GOOD is worth six points. This shows me that EVIL will always win in Scrabble especially evil people like Ali.

For you to bingo, you usually have to make an eight letter word since you need to place your seven tiles with a tile on the board. A great eight letter word is GRACIOUS. However, since I have never bingoed, then GRACIOUS is not in my vocabulary especially when you combine the words "GRACIOUS" and "LOSER" together.

EMBARRASSED is the way that I felt after the six games of scrabble where I went 0-5-1. EMBARRASSED is worth 11 points if the M and the B are blanks. Again, I can't believe that I played scrabble for ELEVEN HOURS. I feel such like a huge loser for playing scrabble for so long. Maybe I feel like a loser because I was such a loser for all six of the games.

I think I would have played for at least 20 hours to win at least one game. 20 happens to be the number of points the words "WORD FREAK" adds up to. Word Freak is an excellent book about the wonderful world of competitive scrabble. Sadly, I feel like I am turning into a word freak. However, I have to become a bigger word freak to beat Ali, my scrabble goddess.

SCRABBLE GODDESS is worth 22 points. 22 is the number of hours that I stayed at Ali's place where I got punished.

However, if getting punished in scrabble for 22 hours is the worse thing to happen to me over a weekend, then I had a pretty fantastic weekend. Life is pretty damn fantastic when you have a wonderful family and amazing friends which sadly includes Ali. There is no greater value than this!!

Peace and Love (20 points),
John

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (December 2003)

2006-01-02T03:18:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone!

I don't normally like to do requests for the mass emails but this time I will make an exception for my awesome friend, Anne, in Oakland. Anne has complained about how I need to write my observations for "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy". This mass email is going to be really difficult since I really haven't watched the show. Writing my observations on 'Queer Eye' will demand a lot of research to write something interesting about such a popular show or I can always try to write this mass email the same way as the great television writer Aaron Sorkin, creator of the West Wing and Sports Night, writes his shows which is under the influence of drugs. However, since I am not as daring as Mr. Sorkin to experiment with the variety of drugs that he takes when he writes nor I am as crazy as him to travel with them as he goes through airport metal detectors, I will have to rely on my experiences when I was sick during Thanksgiving week and doing my best impersonation of Rush Limbaugh when I was taking a bunch of prescription drugs to get over the flu. Last week at 3:30 am, I was feeling quite wonderful from the effects of these Limbaugh-like drugs while watching the repeated Tonight Show with Jay Leno. On this night, the 5 guys from Queer Eye were on his show. As I feel asleep to this show, I had the most bizarre dream...

I was at my place in Meriden when the door bell rang. As I stood in amazement, it was Kyan Douglas, Ted Allen, Carson Kessley, Jai Rodriguez, and Thorn Filicia. I was so excited to have the guys from 'Queer Eye' come to my place in Meriden (remember, this is just a dream!!). They seemed prepared to redesign my life. As I opened the door, Carson started to scream at me about how I need change my clothes. The fashion savant started to yell at me. He said, "those bowling shirts of yours have to go!! They are so 1990s. It is time for you to enter the new millennium. It is 2003 and not 1993, honey!"

Before I could comment that Carson was the worst dressed out of the five guys, Kyan started to grab my hair and told me that it is time to style my hair a little rough (all 5 giggle) with a few highlights. Kyan continues to say that, "It is time for your hair to tell everyone that you are a sophisticated city school teacher instead of Connecticut Valley reject teacher or a farmer from eastern Connecticut (or as the people from the Connecticut say, "east of the river"). The students can't learn if you don't look good!! How can they concentrate if you have that ski slope of a hairdo? Your tin-tin style hairdo looks like one big spike with your widow's peak. Let's just mess up your hair in a free style way sorta in the same way that you teach. We'll have to take you to a stylist to rework your hair so it can say that we are going to have a FUN time in the classroom and learn about the Redcoats and Minutemen. Now, those Redcoats they can dress."

Carson- "I would prefer to be a Redcoat rather than a Minuteman."

Jai- "That's not what I heard".

As Kyan is grabbing my hair, I hear a loud scream from the kitchen. Ted Allen can't believe what kind of crap is in my refrigerator. "What is the deal with all of the hot dogs?" he screams. I tell him that I am in training for the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest so I can beat Kobayashi. He looks at me in disgust.

Carson yells from the upstairs "I know a better way to use a hot dog" (all 5 giggle) as he throws all of my bowling shirts, dirty hats, and "Fighting Whities" t-shirts out of my closet.

Kyan continues, "if you want to beat someone in a contest, then you need some energy. Your roommates tell me that you sleep all of the time right after school so that tells me that you need an energy kick. We are going to take you to Jamba Juice where you can get some nice and refreshing smoothies with an energy protein boost to get you going. No more sleeping for you during the daytime. You should only sleep when it is dark outside."

I told him that I need to sleep during the daytime so I can write my mass emails to all of my adoring fans.

Jai Rodriguez- "You don't have any adoring fans. They just delete them once they know it is from you or they just briefly skim through it without really reading them and then they delete them so it doesn't clog their inbox."

I respond, "yeah, you are probably right! Maybe I should go back to my Hunter Hammond alias so people are not as quick to delete it."

Jai- "uumm, no! It is time for the mass emails to end. They are borderlining on crazy. They were funny for the first ten but the last thirty have been really bad. After reading your last five, you really have issues from the mass email on Naked Karaoke to Badly Drawn Boy to your Asian Porn email. They are funny once in a while but not at the rate that you write them. You are a 4th rate writer and I use that term "writer" loosely here."

Thorn Filicia screams while stepping on my t-shirts when he enters the room and sighs with disgust. Thorn shouts, "you have nothing in this room except a computer, an old tv, and half a futon. I know New Haven has the lowest starting pay in the state but this room is really pathetic. I am sure that we can do something to this YMCA-like shelter. First, we need a splash of color on the walls. This room looks like a 1970s industrial classroom instead of a place of relaxation. Let's change the 3 white walls to a gray and leave the light blue wall the same color. (Just in case you are wondering, yes, I do have 3 white walls and one blue wall! I have no idea why it is that way. Blame my landlord, Jeff "Jesus" Houser!!- I like that nickname more than the RUDE DOG.") Next, we need a better way to organize all of your students' paperwork. I found these wonderful wire serving trays from the Pottery Barn that can double as a basket for your students' work. Finally, we have to remove that ancient refugee-like trunk from the end of your "bed" or whatever you call it. We should replace it with an egg shape chair with a little blue retro fur inside to accentuate the far blue wall. I just love these chairs from Diesel. It will give the room a little more of a Mork and Mindy feel which will fit really well with the black steel framed bed with the black bookcases.

Jai- "Let's take John outside so we can explore the great state of Connecticut while the other guys work on your place".

I ask, "Where are we going?"

Jai- "We are going to take you to some of the finest museums in Connecticut like the Trucking Museum in Southbury and the Carousel Museum in Bristol. At the trucking museum, you get to learn more about the amazing lifestyle of the men who are the backbone to this great nation and you also get a lovely trucker hat as a little souvenir. As for the carousel museum, how can you go wrong with a place that has a million spinning items playing beautiful tunes with big brass poles stuck through them?

After this little expedition to the two museums, I was ready to head back to my place to see what the five guys did to it. As the five guys huddled around the tv to see my expression as I entered, they were stunned to see an older version of myself come through the door. They all screamed, "what happened to John?" Kyan shouts, "I thought John was going to the stylist to get his hair cut and have some of it shaved with a straight razor so it can look more frizzy at the sides to give it more of a rough look?".

The older gentlemen stands at the door of my room and screams, "wake up John! It is time for you to shovel the driveway. We just got another seven inches of snow."

I coughed and tried to fake an illness but to my dismay, my father did not fall for my trick and now I have to shovel. See you guys later as I dig out from the second snow storm of the season!! It is going to be a long winter in Connecticut!!!!!

Peace, Love, and Snow!!!
-John

Naked Karaoke (December 2003)

2006-01-02T03:17:00.001-05:00

"Ooooooh, baby, give me one more chance...."

It's been one month since I started my latest infatuation, which is listening to as much Badly Drawn Boy as humanly possible. Damon Gough usually starts his club tour concerts by singing along to the Jackson Five song "I Want You Back." So in honor of the magnificent Damon Gough, I will start my email by singing "I Want You Back" throughout this email because I've got nothing but love for everyone during this holiday season.

"To show you that I love you..."

Now, the big question is, "why do I have all of this love and why am I singing through this email?". (OK, that was two questions but that's besides the point!) Well, you have to a lot of love for yourself and be able to sing, to do the next big thing sweeping this country which is: NAKED KARAOKE!!

"Won't you please let me..."

Yes, you should definitely support me in my latest endeavor. I've been working out a whole lot more since I discovered my latest calling. I will develop a more sculpted body through a well disciplined diet. Also, I've been focusing on revitalizing my ragged teacher's voice by drinking more tea. I must have my body and soul as strong as humanly possible before I unveil the full package at the Berlin Station Cafe for the January 10th qualifying round. (Yes, that's right ladies and gentlemen, there is a qualifying round before you can enter this Karaoke contest.)

"Back in your heart..."

Many people thought that I moved to Meriden, CT for the reduced rent but nobody thought that the main reason why I moved to 20 Fourth Street was that I LOVE the fact that the house was only 7.76 miles away from the Berlin Station Cafe. How can you not want to move near a town that has Naked Karaoke? This contest is the next biggest thing to hit this country since the wedding of the Bachelorette? (I can't believe that 26 million people watched this ABC special for at least six minutes!! Also, what is up with the chick on "Average Joe" picking the hunk over the average dude? It really defeats the purpose of the name of the show, "Average Joe". Moments like this is when I am really embarrassed that I live in this country.)

Oh, darlin' I was blind to let you go,
(Let you go baby)
But now since I see you in his arms
(I want you back)

After being inspired by Damon Gough for the past month, I want to continue my career as a singer. However, it will take a lot to rejuvenate my singing career since it tragically ended when I entered puberty. I will strengthened by vocal cords by taking singing lessons from George Clinton. Mr. Clinton has been forced by the state of Florida to do 1200 community service hours since he was caught with cocaine this Saturday. I thought I would take full advantage of Mr. Clinton's "service hours".

Oh, I do now
(I want you back)

So, I've given myself a month to get my body and voice in shape for the "Naked Karaoke with Candy" at the Berlin Station Cafe on January 10. (Of course, this is assuming that the courts will not stop this event from happening!)

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll
Hunter S. Hammond

Halloween (October 2003)

2006-01-02T03:17:00.000-05:00

It's been 11 years since I last went out for Halloween. It was a bittersweet moment when my door-to-door Halloween career ended. I was graduating from the door to door revelry to join the 'real-world' drunken adulthood parties. For my last time as a street walking beggar, my high school senior classmates decided to attack one of the more wealthier parts of Danbury for some of finest chocolate cuisine like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups or Almond Joy or a full bar of Butterfingers. In memory of my Halloween graduation moment, I've compiled a list of possible Halloween costumes for this year's Halloween partier:

1.) The Concord Airplane. Although it is a technological marvel, am I suppose to feel sorry for some of Hollywood's B-list celebrities missing out on their glory days when they flew out on the plane for nearly $10,000? I would only pay $100 on a wing and prayer!!

2.) Elizabeth Smart when she was discovered in the library wearing the full body Islamic robe. If you are not quite sure what I am talking about then I would suggest to watch the Elizabeth Smart story on CBS. (Memo to self: when my daughter gets abducted, I must sell the story rights to the highest paying television network.)

3.) One of the contestants from the new reality show "Average Joe". This is when a bunch of "average" guys or really ugly guys who you would never talk to at any kind of social gathering compete to date a hot girl. Question to the NBC executives: where was my call to be on this new reality show?

4.) Robert Durst. This Texan millionaire who allegedly cut up his neighbor with two saws and an ax but can't remember the incident because he drank a lot of Jack Daniels. In college, I did 18 shots of Jagermeister but there were no dead dormmates who were cut up (well, at least not that I am aware of!).

5.) Jerry Springer. I know that this is so 1990s but his show is still pretty remarkable. Yes, there is fighting and the guests are pretty sad. However, the greatest thing about the show is that Jerry Springer can still come up with a different "Final Thought" for each show. He sounds so sincere and concerned about his guests. He has me believing in a better tomorrow for America. Springer for Senate!! Oh wait, this should go into next week's email on Election Day.

6. & 7.) Takeru "The Tsanumi" Kobayashi or Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas. As an Asian, there aren't too many Asian role models out there to dress up like for Halloween but these hot dog eating heroes are truly the real deal!!!! (Aren't you sick of these hot dog eating references? Just wait until next year's Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest!!!)

8.) HUNTER HAMMOND. My yahoo pen name is an actual real person! I write this because it appears that many people were not quite sure who this person was and they were worried about a virus killing their computer so a few people on this email list were a little frighten about opening the Hunter Hammond emails. Let me say for the record that Hunter Hammond is real and she is a teacher at my old school. I played a little joke on a colleague at my school pretending to be Hunter Hammond and asked him out on a date last year on April's Fools Day.

9.) Rod Roddy. Wear a flashy, colored jacket to honor this former Price is Right announcer who passed away Monday from colon cancer. I love the summers when I can wake up by 11:00 am to watch the Price is Right and hear Rod Roddy scream "Come on Down!". My favorite games on the Price is Right are the Swiss climber and Plinko!!

10.) Donald H. Rumsfeld. Our Secretary of Defense! The youngest and oldest Secretary of Defense in US History!! I firmly believe that our secretary of defense is really funny!!! As my friend's friend once said, "Rumsfeld is funny like the devil!" To prove how funny he is, I will quote him from a book that my sister gave me on funny Rumsfeld quotes:

As we know,
There are known knowns
There are things we know we know.
We also know
There are known unknowns.
That is to say
We know there are some things
We do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns,
The ones we don't know we don't know.

Sheer brilliance!! Have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!! May you find your costume to rock the party. I am the PUMPKIN! Peace.

-Hunter S. Hammond

Reunions (November 2003)

2006-01-02T03:16:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone!

I find it somewhat ironic that I am reading a book called Round Up the Usual Suspects: The Making of Casablanca: Bogart, Bergman, and World War II written by Aljean Harmetz around Thanksgiving time because whenever I go out to the bars for Thanksgiving, I can always find the 'usual suspects' from my high school there. Only this time, these usual suspects were at my 10 year high school reunion!! Here are a few of my observations or thoughts about this memorable night of unmemorable moments:

1.) Did I really summarize the past ten years of my life in 30 seconds? How boring is my life? Just in case you are wondering, this is how I summed up my life when talking to someone:

Random Person from Class of '93: So, what are you up to?

Me: I am teaching in New Haven.

Random Person: How long have you been teaching in New Haven?

Me: This is my second year teaching in New Haven since I moved from DC to CT. (I always have to plug that I taught in DC although I never really taught in DC. Alexandria, VA if any of you forgot!)

Random Person: What are you teaching?

Me: Social Studies in high school. American History.

RP: It must be tough teaching high school.

Me: Yeah.

RP: But it must be rewarding teaching high school students.

Me: Yeah, it can be!

[End Scene]

It was like the movie "Groundhog Day" except that I was reliving this scene for 3 consecutive hours.

2.) For some of the conversations that lasted a little longer than the usual 30 seconds, you sometimes wish that you can go back to the meaningless conversation mentioned above. For meeting someone once every blue moon, I really don't want to hear about your lack of dating opportunities or your bleak work future or anything else that would bring me down. It's just like the scene from the movie "Say Anything" when Lloyd Dobler starts to open up about his break-up with Diane Court to the 'Gas and Sip' gang and then he throws his beverage into the fence. Joe from the 'Gas and Sip' screams "You're bringing me down, man" and the rest of the guys repeat that as well and do a little rap about how crazy Lloyd is becoming. So in memory of the movie "Say Anything", don't tell any story at a reunion that will bring me down, man.

3.) I think true compassion is when you see a friend in the midst of this quagmire and you go over to save them from this crazy and emotional unstable person. Since I am not a very compassionate person, my friends and I argued about who should go over there and save someone we know from a crazy person going too far. However, we argued for such a long time, we decided that since she made it that far she can handle it herself.

4.) As I was heading into the first bar, one of my friends mentioned, "why am I here again?". (I really wonder how many other people at the reunion thought the same thing.) I gave the reassuring answer of, "I don't know! Blame Nanci!! (Just kidding Nanci)

5.) This was an observation from one of my friends for the night as we (4 guys) were sitting at a table in this rat trap of a bar.

"Boy, everyone tonight looks really good. Everyone looks pretty much the same. In fact, everyone appears to be at the same weight or they look even better since high school except for us."

Sadly, this observation is SO true!!

6.) Whenever I go to the bars with those 3 guys, everyone in town pretty much knows them. As someone goes by the table, they'll be like "Heeey, Jimmy what's up?" "Heeeey, Craig what's up?" "Heeey, Mike, how's it going?". To me, they say "what's up, man?" as they nod up with their head. It didn't happen too much this year but it usually happens like crazy most years. (This isn't suppose to be funny but more of an observation on my part!)

7.) Due to my growing melon, most of the people from my class really didn't recognize me. The funniest time was when I said hello and gave a nod up to someone in my class and that person looked at me and walked away in front of a group of my friends. One of the more embarassing things that can happen to you in front of a group of people is when you know someone and you make the effort to say hi to them and they don't acknowledge you back. However, once he realized who I was, things were cool!!

8.) You would think that after 10 years of high school that some of the girls (you know who you are) would stop making fun of other people's makeup or, more specifically in this case, eyeliner. I thought these petty observations ended when we left the hallowed hallways of Immaculate High School.

9.) Speaking of my beloved Catholic high school, I really wonder how many of my fellow graduates are still practicing Catholicism? It is good to know that our parents' money was well spent on a strong religious education.

10.) Since there are a bunch of you guys on this email list who are old enough to be my parents, number ten is dedicated to you guys. As we were at the first bar, there was a 25 year reunion next to us. Let me say it now, aging is a cruel thing. I can't believe that I am going to look like that or like you guys when I am at my 25 year reunion. Next time I am at a bar, I am going to be example #2 complaining about my life, my weight, my dating prospects, and my future!!! Depressing isn't it!!!

Before I end this mass email, let me announce that if you are ever in Connecticut, then look me up. It won't be hard to find me since there are ONLY 3.4 million people in Connecticut. Why do people bother to make this statement? If you really want me to contact you, then give me your damn information. If I have to do a little work to find you, then there is a good chance that I won't do it. Which I guess is why people make this statement so you won't contact them, which begs the question, "why bother?". Another stupid thing to say is, "let's meet up!" especially if there is no exchange of information. Maybe people should end their conversations with people who they really don't care about the same way that people ended their yearbook statement to Lloyd Dobler from "Say Anything" which is "see you around, maybe". Great way to end an unmemorable meeting.

I guess that is enough bitterness for now. As always, peace and love.
-John aka Hunter S. Hammond

Asian American Porn (October 2003)

2006-01-02T03:14:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone!!!

Whenever I do a lot of useless and pointless stuff, or in this case write a bunch of my silly mass emails, it can only mean one thing: END OF THE MARKING PERIOD!! The best way for me to distract myself from the uselessness of doing grades is, of course, to watch television. Recently, the biggest thing that bothers me the most about television is the increasing number of Asian women on television. Before I put my foot in my mouth like PGA golfer Jan Stephenson, let me explain my reasoning. Of course, I do not mind the inclusion of women of color on television, especially Asian ones. However, my theory is when there is one gender's race on television, then the other gender should appear on television sometime in the near future.

I am not saying that I am against interracial dating or couples (far from this), however throw an Asian brother a bone every once in a while by coupling an Asian man with an Asian women or any other kind of race. Yet, you never see young attractive Asian couples or Asian men on television advertisements (Specifically national ads- who knows what they do out WEST? Californians, are definitely a weird bunch!! i.e.- the election of the Goverinator). If Asian women appear on television more than Asian men, then who do Asian women appear on television with? Well, of course, white men!!! (Again, no problem with interracial dating or marriages!!) Asian women appear with white men on television with greater frequency than any other group of people, according to the reputable John Nguyen Television Watching Studies Institute (JNTWSI). The JNTWSI also notes that white men-Asian women interractial dating is the most acceptable form of interracial dating on television advertisements (see the AT&T ads or Toyato ads). The other possible combinations for interracial coupling (White-Black or White-Hispanic or Hispanic-Black or Black-Asian) do not get as much airplay as white men-Asian women unless you consider any movie role with Halle Berry. So what should be done to increase the number of Asian men on television?

Well, professor Darrell Hamamoto from University of California in Davis has a solution to the lack of Asians on television. Professor Darrell Hamamoto's solution is to create pornographic films that feature Asian males. In an industry that has an abundant supply of Asian women, Asian males are an unknown commodity unless you consider gay porn! To find Asian males for Professor Hamamoto's films, he advertised on Asianavenue.com (website for Asians). Since I've been featured on a student's website on Asianavenue.com, as well as the African American equivalent blackplanet.com, I thought I would be the perfect candidate to be a star on Professor Hamamoto's film "Skin to Skin". I have enclosed my response letter to Professor Hamamoto's advertisement.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

October 28, 2003

Dear Professor Hamamoto,

I recently read your advertisement on Asianavenue.com. After reading your ad, I firmly believe that I am the perfect candidate to star in your new movie "Skin to Skin" because of my strong acting skills, my "ability" to perform under pressure, and my previous video work experience. My impressive acting skills were developed at the Globe Theatre Educational Center where I acted in numerous Shakespearean plays. Under intense pressure, I performed in front of huge crowds. Another example of my ability to perform under pressure is when I defeated my friends in bowling and hot dog eating contests. My work expertise extends beyond the stage and bowling alleys. I've also been captured on film to promote the spirited university life at the University of Connecticut and an independent promotional video for Americorps. Due to my previous video work experience and amazing acting skills, I assure you that I will be the perfect star for your movies "Skin to Skin" or "The Joy Fuck Club".

Thank you for your time,
Hunter S. Hammond.

John the Barbarian (October 2003)

2006-01-02T03:13:00.001-05:00

There were two monstrous fights today while I was on cafeteria duty, which is the worst non-classroom assignment to have at school. These two gang related fights were pretty ugly. As I was hiding in the corner while the security guards were taking control, I was amazed by how many students were standing on the cafeteria tables in hopes of catching a glimpse of the melee. It reminded of the time when I was at Fenway Park this past spring and a fight broke out between a Yankee fan and Red Sox fan. As they were fighting, everyone except for myself stood on their seats and watched the Yankee fan beat up on the Red Sox fan. Just like a good partisan police officer, he arrested the Yankee fan and let the Red Sox fan watch the rest of the game. I am starting to believe that as long as you are a Red Sox fan, especially a Red Sox ball player, in Boston you can pretty much do anything you want. After watching the Red Sox game this Saturday, I feel inspired by Pedro Martinez to throw down as many people as possible. Here is my list of people that I wish to throw down (of course, only in self-defense):

1.) The number one person that I would like to throw down would have to be Rush Limbaugh. He needs to stop preying on the uninformed with his subjective rants laced with lies (Sorry, I've been reading too much Al Franken lately!). Although with the amount of prescription drugs that he is taking, he probably won't feel a thing. He may actually enjoy it!!

2.) David Chang. He is the guy who created the game "ghettopoly". There is no need to perpetuate racial stereotypes. What was he thinking? Also, what in the world was Urban Outfitters thinking when they sold these games in their stores? Who was the person responsible for this terrible choice? This person should be thrown down as well as Mr. Chang.

3.) Jan Stephenson. She is a women's golfer who wants the Ladies Professional Golfers Association to limit the amount of Asians on the tournament because she feels that they are hurting the LPGA. Stephenson suggests that the Asian golfers are hurting the game because they show no emotion on the tour. However, Stephenson doesn't dare attack the top white women golfers who also show no emotion while they play. The idea of have a race-based quota for limiting participation on a sports tour is appalling and disgusting. I think the Australian-born Jan Stephenson needs to be thrown down on the fresh green grass of Fenway Park.

4.) Pat Robertson. From his Supreme Court Operation Freedom, which was a 21 pray vigil to have 3 liberal justices leave the US Supreme Court, to blaming liberals for 9/11 to his support for a crazy dictator in Africa, I think he needs a good throw down as well.

5.) The people who created the movie about Jessica Lynch which will premiere on NBC in three weeks. Reality television doesn't look that bad when you make terrible movies like this one.

6.) Joe Scarborough. He is the poor man's Bill O'Reilly. MSNBC wants to get the ratings like FOX so they put this fool on television to get the conservative viewers to watch MSNBC. Lame!

7.) The US politican who passed a law that prevents the legal transportation of kinder-surprise eggs from entering the United States. What is the deal with that? THE MAN is bringing us down. On a happy note, one of my amazing colleagues from school bought me a kinder egg while she was in Paris. This was the best birthday present ever!!

8, 9, 10, 11...) All of the people who beat me in bowling this weekend especially my sister who can throw her second ball 2 mph!! Yes, 2 mph!! It is the slowest thing on earth down a bowling alley. I bet her one year old child can throw a bowling ball faster than her!! You are going down next year as well as the other bowling freaks.

Don't mess with me now especially since I am a year older or you'll end up like the people mentioned above!! REMEMBER, I AM JOHN NGUYEN THE BARBARIAN FIGHTER!!!!

-Hunter S. Hammond

Wedding Announcements (October 2003)

2006-01-02T03:13:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone!

Lately, I've been writing really positive emails. I think it is time to switch the tone and write about how evil most people really are. Now, I know what you are thinking, how can he write about the evilness of people? Will he write about wars or crime or senseless murder? NO! Those events can sometimes be justified!! I think the best way to show that people are evil is to write about when people read the wedding and engagement section in the newspaper. Yes, you know it is true!! There are a lot of evil and cruel thoughts about people when they appear in the wedding and engagement section. This is absolutely incredible since many of these people are trying to celebrate one of the most happiest days in their life with everyone and the most that people can do is make fun of them. I've compile a list of comments that most people will say when they read the wedding and engagement announcement section:

1.) The most obvious response is "I CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE WOULD MARRY THAT PERSON!". You actually laugh and then feel sorry for the poor sucker who married that person.

2.) "WHAT AN AWFUL PICTURE!! This is really cruel stuff! Most people critique what they are wearing or how they look. Showing your picture is a lose-lose situation because if you look absolutely the same since high school, then someone will say, "I can't believe they look absolutely the same, what a b****!" If you look totally different, then people are going to say, "Wow, they've really changed since school. They put on a lot of weight. They look really bad!!" You people are evil!!! (Can't wait to see these same people at the 10 year reunion this year!!)

What is up with those glossy pictures? They really don't look that good in black and white!! Also, what is the deal with the wedding announcements with only one person shown? Is the other person too busy on the wedding day to get a photo taken? This doesn't bode well for the future of their marriage.

3.) "THEY DO WHAT FOR A LIVING?" You remember what they were like in school and are absolutely amazed that someone would hire them at any job! Or if they have a "questionable" job (I can't really define what kind of jobs they are but you know them when you read them in the wedding and engagement section).

4.) The same can be said about the major that they graduated university from. You are shocked that they were smart enough to major in that subject and graduate from school. You thought people had to be smart to major in that field but since this person graduated in that major, you start to question your assumption.

5.) "I can't wait to tell [insert friend's name here] that this person is getting married". You want someone to share the news with someone so both of you can have a great laugh about their wedding. See comments 1-4 above! With this other person, you discuss the other trivial stuff in the announcement like the wedding party and honeymoon.

------------------------------------

You know that most of you guys have done this! We all know people that should NOT be married but decide to test fate sort of like the same way Roy Horn from Seigfried and Roy taunted that tiger on his 59th birthday. What a way to celebrate your 59th birthday with a "love tap" from a tiger!!! (I must say that the only positive thing that came out of this incident is that we now know what their last names are. Just in case you are wondering what Seigfried's last name is? Fischbacher.)

Speaking of birthdays, my big-time birthday bowling bash is still happening this Saturday, October 11th at T-BOWL lanes in Wallingford, CT at 8 o'clock. $12 can bring you unlimited games for 3 hours and shoes. With a deal like that, how can you go wrong? Email me or phone me (203 241-8357) if you intend to attend.

Peace and Love,
John

Early Mornings (September 2003)

2006-01-02T03:12:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone!

I take a week off from mass emailing and I get two amateurs writing about an old topic of hot dog eating. Just for your information, Jack did NOT break any records for hot dog eating. The only record that he (john.bouffard@verizonwireless.com) broke was the number for most obnoxious mass email responses. As for the specifications for hot dog eating, please refer all questions to the International Federation of Competitive Eating's website at www.ifoce.com (also, check out the rankings for the top 50 worldwide eaters. "The Tsunami" is still number 1!!).

Now, for your daily dosage of email enlightenment:

Since I usually begin my classes with a question of the day, I am going to begin this mass email with a question. Today's question of the day is "Sunrises or Sunsets?". When I usually pose this question to people, most people prefer sunsets. The most common responses for people who prefer sunsets over sunrises are that sunsets are more beautiful than sunrises and they normally can't wake up in time for a sunrise. If a preference is determined by a matter of convenience, then the selection is probably a weak choice. I must say that I am usually disgusted when I hear that people prefer sunsets over sunrises because they can't wake up in time for sunrises and then suggest that sunsets are normally prettier than sunrises.

Sunrises are one of the most amazing things on the face of earth. They make you appreciate the greatness of nature and wonder about the numerous possibilities that the upcoming day(s) holds. At the moment of daybreak, you feel like you can do anything, as your senses are awakened by the fresh, crisp air. The stirring morning air provides a certain kind of energy that no cup of coffee can ever provide. You become strengthened by the glow of the sun slowly rising over the mountain landscape. Your cold skin is gradually absorbing the warm, soft embrace of the morning sun. As the whole sun appears, you feel like everything in the world makes sense for that moment. You rejoice in the moment by taking a deep yoga-like inhale while closing your eyes. When you open your eyes, you smile because you realize how fortunate you are to witness one of nature's greatest events. As you are about to leave, you become inclined to sing to yourself a few lines from the chorus of the Beatles' tune "Here Comes the Sun". With a start to a day like that, how could you not have a glorious day?

I think it is in my nature to love sunrises. With a Vietnamese name that translates to "peaceful morning", how could I not love sunrises? I usually try real hard to watch a sunrise during my birthday week. While I was in Washington, DC, I would sit on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial as the sun rose over the US Capitol. When I am home, I would sometimes drive about 30 minutes to a tiny town called Bridgewater, CT and watch the sun rise on Blueberry Hill.

(For my High Fidelity fans, my top five all-time favorite locations to watch a sunrise are on the rocky coast in Bar Harbor, Maine, Lincoln Memorial in Washington, DC, Blueberry Hill in Bridgewater, CT, Regent's Park in London, England, and on the beach in Nha Trang, Vietnam.)

I firmly believe that more people should celebrate their birthdays by watching the sun rise. To my family and friends with upcoming birthdays (as well as everyone else throughout the year), may you enjoy your upcoming year with glorious days ahead especially: Mr. Sinclair- Sept 29, Vu- Oct 1, Little Foster- Oct. 4, Jeff- Oct. 5, Kieran- Oct. 5, Christina- Oct. 6, Chien- Oct- 7, My wonderful sister, Thanh- Oct. 8, Thomas- Oct. 19, Leo- Oct. 20, Chris- Oct. 20, Rich- Oct. 23, Tammy- Oct. 25, Victor- Oct. 31, Anne- Oct. 31, Dad- Nov. 1 (Fake birthday), Chu Vang- Nov. 1, and Cathy- Nov. 2.

When you watch your next sunrise, remember the words of Henry David Thoreau when he wrote, "Measure your health by your sympathy with morning and Spring. If there is no response in you to the awakening of nature, if the prospect of an early morning walk does not banish sleep, if the warble of the first bluebird does not thrill you, know that the morning and Spring of your life are past. Thus you may feel your pulse."

With lots of love,
-John

Doula President (September 2003)

2006-01-02T03:11:00.000-05:00

[CROWD: LOUD APPLAUSE]

I remember when I first announced that I was running for president of DONA, the media and I am sure that many of you laughed at me. Many people said that no man should be able to become president of DONA because men simply are unable to understand the pregnancy process. To those detractors, I must admit that I agree with you!! Men don't FULLY understand the pregnancy process!! However, that doesn't mean that men can't be doulas. In fact, men have been helping women with their pregnancies since the beginning of time. Men have more experience helping women to raise their children than our founding fore-mothering doulas. Doulas have been around only since the ancient Greek times. According to www.childbirth.org, the word "doula" comes from a Greek word that means, "the most important female slave or servant in the ancient Greek household". It is time for all people to emancipate themselves from this notion that a doula can only be a woman, let alone this idea of being the most important female slave. Women ARE NO SLAVES!!! I believe it is time to redefine the definition of the word "doula" to "a PERSON who is experienced in childbirth who provides continuous physical, emotional, and informational support to the mother before, during and just after childbirth." It is time for the authors of this archaic definition of doulas, Marshall Klaus MD, Phyllis Klaus, and John Kennell MD to recognize that both MEN AND WOMEN can be supportive to mothers BEFORE, DURING, and JUST-AFTER childbirth.

I ask everyone tonight, do you want a candidate that is both in touch with his masculine and feminine sides to be your next president of DONA?

[CROWD: YES]

THEN I AM YOUR CANDIDATE!

Do you want a candidate to bridge the traditional ways of doulas to the future of modern innovative techniques?

[CROWD: YES]

THEN I AM YOUR CANDIDATE!

Do you want a candidate who refuses to stereotype someone based on their gender?

[CROWD: YES]

THEN I AM YOUR CANDIDATE!

Do you want a candidate who can introduce the importance of having a doula to BOTH MEN AND WOMEN?

[CROWD: YES]

THEN I AM YOUR CANDIDATE!

Do you want a candidate who isn't afraid to challenge the traditional notions of being a doula?

[CROWD: YES]

THEN I AM YOUR CANDIDATE!

Do you want a candidate who is a teacher to ALL children?

[CROWD: YES]

THEN I AM YOUR CANDIDATE!

Do you want a candidate who can watch the second rerun of Conan O' Brien (10th Anniversary this Sunday September 14th at 9:30pm on NBC) at three in the morning and still be able to take care of your child or any questions about childbirth?

[CROWD: YES]

THEN I AM YOUR CANDIDATE!

Do you want a candidate who can bowl consistently over 100 with his right arm and still take care of your child in his left?

[CROWD: YES]

THEN I AM YOUR CANDIDATE!

Do you want a candidate who can ride a mechanical bull to submission?

[CROWD: YES]

THEN I AM YOUR CANDIDATE!

MY NAME IS JOHN NGUYEN AND I AM RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF DONA!!!!

[CROWD: LOUD APPLAUSE as Mr. John Nguyen leaves stage right.]

Please remember that $1,000 donations to the presidential candidacy of Mr. John Nguyen can be contributed to www.geocities.com/wackyworldofwein .

To the 4 wonderful women who are about to have children, best of luck and if you need a doula then please let me know! I am sure once I win the presidential election over the current president of DONA, Ms. Jennifer Nunn (yes, she is the actual president), I will find you the best doula around.

Enjoy the sounds of laughter! PEACE! (Especially on a day like tomorrow!)

-Hunter S. Hammond

Numbers Game (September 2003)

2006-01-02T03:09:00.001-05:00

You would think after 4 complete years of teaching that my father would be happy with my career choice. However, he stills wants me to pursue something with computers or math (which I will never do!). To show that I appreciate my father's love, I will write this mass email about numbers since everyone knows I am amazing with math and numbers because I am Asian American.

(Quick side story: 2 students in the hallway walk by my door. One student asks, "what class is that?" the other responds, "it must be a math class!")

20 is the number of classrooms that I have taught in during my 5 years of teaching (5 classrooms this year, 4 classrooms last year, 1 classroom 2 years ago, 5 classrooms 3 years ago, and 5 during my first year of teaching)

7 is the number of nicknames that I have. My latest one is "wheels" which is pretty obvious since I have a cart to move from place to place in my school.

1 day before school starts was when I found out that I was going to teach 5 sections of American History instead of 4 sections of World History.

26 is the number of minutes each day that my school cut because the bus company can't pick up the students at the regular closing time. (Mr. William Jones is correct! The busses do run everything!!! Crazy Bill is truly brilliant!!)

178 more days of school until summer vacation!

17 is the number of places I slept over this summer. Thank you wonderful people for housing me!!!!!!

15 is the number of flights that I took this summer, including connecting flights.

34 is the number of days until my birthday, which is October 7th. My Birthday Bowling Bash across the world is coming!! Get ready people in California, Australia, Vietnam, and England for another year of bowling excitement.

28 is how old I will be. I am younger than most of you people. Haha!! Even if you are physically younger than I am, I am pretty sure that I look younger than you!!

26 is the number of mass emails on my website.

8 is the number of times that I rubbed my belly tonight. (My friend, Nanci, believes that people who rub their bellies are more likely to be happier than people who don't rub their bellies because they are comfortable with themselves and who they are. That is your thought of the day.)

14 is the number of times that I have moved in 10 years. My latest place is: 20 Fourth Street, Meriden, CT 06451. Just moved there over the weekend! I HATE MOVING!!!

1 is the number of cellphones that I own. I just got it recently!!! I can't believe I finally own one. My cellphone number is 203 241-8357.

32 is the number of exclamation points that I used during this email!!! (Brilliant response, Mr. Dunbar!! You are truly a better writer than I am. I feel very comfortable having someone as smart as you taking care of my child.)

To my belly rubbing friends, I hope you have a glorious day with lots of sunshine! (33 is the number of exclamation points.) Peace.

John

Sports Night (August 2003)

2006-01-02T03:09:00.000-05:00

There is only one day left in my summer vacation before I begin to roll my classroom through the hallways in my school (yes, another year without a classroom). Usually in the summer, I take a week off from everything and do absolutely nothing. With all of my summer traveling and teaching at the government summer camp, I couldn't take a week off from everything until the last week of summer vacation. For the majority of last week, I watched all 45 episodes of my favorite television program, Sports Night, and read a book on vegas and poker. So in honor of the defunct program written beautifully by Aaron Sorkin (West Wing), produced at times by Matt Tarses (Scrubs), music done by WG "Snuffy" Walden (West Wing, My So-Called Life) with stars like Peter Krause (Six Feet Under), Josh Charles (Dead Poets Society, SWAT), Felecity Huffman (Magnolia), Joshua Malina (West Wing), Sabrina Lloyd (Ed), Robert Guillaume (will always be best known as Benson- he would have been elected governor if there was another season of Benson), I will write this email in a format of a sports news program.

This mass email will begin in five, four, three, two, silent count- cue music and graphics

Announcer #1: Hello Everyone! I am John Nguyen sitting alongside Rich Eisen. In today's episode, We've got a Kids' Day in Flushing, Kid ball players in Williamsport, Kid Actions in the Buckeye State.

Announcer #2: We also have wedding after a round on links. We have an ugly divorce on a racing track and a one night stand in Las Vegas. All this and more on Sports Night next!

John Nguyen: We'll start today's episode with the kids in Williamsport. In another surprise outcome, the Asians kids win again!! Although this time, the Toyko team led by the "Tiny Tsanumi" Tanaka won 10-1 over the boys from Boynton Beach, Florida. This game was relatively close as compared to the championship games in the late 80s and early 90s when the eleven and twelve year old age limit was widely disregarded by the Taiwanese teams. Their teams usually consisted of six footers who could hit the ball nearly 300 ft and who could throw 100+ mph from the mound. As a small Asian American kid, it was always reassuring for me to watch these kids from Asia whip up on the smaller American kids with a score of 25 to 4.

Rich Eisen: Thank you for that wonderful walk down memory lane. Tell me, John, do you have any childhood memories that involved tennis?

Nguyen: Plenty.

Eisen: Well, this next segment should be perfect for you since it was Arthur Ashe Kids' Day at the USTA tennis center in Flushing Meadow, NY. It was a glorious day of tennis, education, and awareness for one of the greatest tennis players of all time. Ashe was more than a three time grand slam winner, he was a political activist who gave a voice to people who were largely ignored by the general public. Ashe used his tennis celebrity to speak out on inequalities facing African Americans and raised awareness for AIDS research. He also wanted to open the predominately all-white tennis world to include more races because he believed that this great game should be open to everyone. As former US representative and UN ambassador Andrew Young said, "he took the burden of race and wore it with a cloak of dignity". Ashe wore this cloak of dignity the best when he was the captain of the USA Davis Cup tennis team. Despite this country's shortcomings, Ashe was honored to represent this country as a Davis Cup player and captain because of this country's potential greatness. If we, as a nation, can recognize some of the ideas that Ashe wanted to achieve than we will allow his ideas to live on forever.

John: Indeed, Ashe was a great man. He really demonstrated a way to use his celebrity in a positive way. We'll be right back after these messages.

[Cue the Kobe Byrant Sprite "Image is Nothing" commercial. (OK, I know that Sprite cancelled his contract but this is my fantasy email world.) Next show the ads for the upcoming season for the Giants with an image of Jeremy Shockey catching a touchdown. Finish the commercial portion with an ad for Baylor University]

John: Alright we're back to explore the wonderful world of college sports by going to the Buckeye State. With the murder cover-up investigation at Baylor University or sexual harassment allegations at the University of New Mexico or the domestic abuse criminal conviction at the University of Nebraska, the news of academic fraud at Ohio State University really doesn't sound that bad because we all know that student-athletes, otherwise known as "not good enough for professional sports yet", receive special privileges at universities that students normally don't get. (Alright I realize that most student athletes are not trouble makers and contribute greatly to the university but these student athletes usually don't belong to sports programs that generate a ton of money for the university.) So on that note, let's change the topic! What do you have for me, Rich?

Rich: Let's stay in Ohio and head to the links in Akron where Ben Curtis started the NEC Invitational as a bachelor last Thursday. He played for four consecutive days and, oh by the way, got married on Saturday in between the third and fourth rounds. How many of you ladies would allow your husband to be in a golf tournament during the weekend of your wedding?

John: My wife did!

Rich: You're not married and you don't even play golf!!

John: Oh yeah, that's right. Maybe that is why I am not married!!!

Rich: Just in case you are keeping score at home for Ben Curtis. He shot an amazing 64 on Thursday. On the day of his wedding rehearsal, he shot a scary 76.

John: I guess the thought of his wedding made him a little nervous.

Rich: Maybe it did. However, Curtis shot two over on his wedding day, 72, and finished the weekend shooting even par, 70. He received a check for 43,000 and got married along the way!! Not a bad weekend! How was your weekend, John?

John: It was no where near as good as Mr. and Mrs. Curtis! My weekend got even worse when my producer wanted me to cover the madness of NASCAR in Bristol, Tennessee but since I really don't care what Kurt Busch did or did not do with his car to the other drivers then I am going to change subject once again.

Rich: What are you going to talk about?

John: I don't know.

Rich: Do you want me to talk about Ben Curtis again? I have more information about him that I didn't say in my segment.

John: No, I think I can talk about Ben Curtis on my own.

Rich: Are you going to talk about the fact that he got married?

John: No, anyone can get married on a weekend but not everyone can make $43,000 in one weekend. The only way that I can make $43,000 in one weekend is if I played Texas hold'em at the World Series of Poker in Las Vegas against some of the poker greats like the Tiger Woods of Poker, Phil Ivey, or the professor, Howard Lederer, or Phil "The Brat" Hellmuth or Sam Grizzle (the guy who punched out "The Brat" last year) or Chris "Jesus" Ferguson. Of course, my two personal favorite poker players, for obvious reasons, are Men "The Master" Nguyen or Thuan "Scotty" Nguyen. Hey, Rich, what do you think would be my nickname?

Keith: John "The Joker" Nguyen

John: There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. For Rich Eisen, I am John "The Joker" Nguyen. We're "ALL IN" for this episode of Sports Night. Have a great day everyone. PEACE.

[cue music and graphic]

That's a wrap. Great show everyone!!

Power Outage (August 2003)

2006-01-02T03:08:00.000-05:00

Although before I begin my latest mass email, let me tell everyone that I normally don't take requests for these mass emails but since my wonderful friend in Alexandria, VA is about to have MY child I thought this was the least I could do for her. (I am sure that the news of this announcement is a surprise to her and her husband but that is besides the point!) Due to Ms. Dunbar's request for a mass email on the power outage, I am going to write about what happened to me on last Thursday. OK, for real this time, let the mass emailing commence!!!
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On August 14th, I was flying back from Houston to New York City. My preflight ritual is to find a few cd's to put in my cd player, write in my journal (this summer it is bright red), and pretend to read a book using my boarding pass as a book marker. This day I selected the wonderous sounds of Badly Drawn Boy, Beck, and Radiohead to be the soundtrack for the Houston flight. I plopped into my window seat with my gigantic headphones on and I did the whole men's urinal thing which is to keep my eyes forward without looking to either side (OK, I looked out to the right to check out the sights in the window). All flight I was either sleeping, looking through my book pretending to read, still looking forward, or checking out the clouds. The only time that I didn't do those things was around 5:30 when I took off my headphones to listen to the pilot announce that we were going to land in Baltimore because there was a power outage in NYC.

After the announcement, I changed my men's urinal strategy and decided to talk to the person next to me (I haven't talked to the person next to me on an airplane in some time). The person next to me and I were both stunned at the announcement and wondered about the severity of this blackout. After our speculation, we struck up a good conversation about our lives. We both discovered that we have very interesting backgrounds. I discovered that he was a recent graduate from the University of Georgia and is about to head into law school. Although the most interesting thing about him was the fact that he was a former bat boy for the Atlanta Braves. This led into a colorful discussion about the best ballparks in the country.

(Aside for baseball fans: he thought Shea Stadium was a fantastic park because of its history. I countered that the only thing wonderful about the history of Shea Stadium is the fact that the Jets use to play there with football greats like Richard Todd, Wesley Walker, and Freeman McNeil. Shea Stadium is a horrendous park and should be torn down like many of generic ballparks that were built in the 70s and 80s. Yes, I know that Shea was built in the 60s but the stadium's structure seems very similar to those ugly ballparks in Atlanta, Philly, and San Diego. Tear Shea Down!!!)

Our argument was cut short when the pilot got back on the PA system to discuss the alternatives for the passengers wanting to head into NY that night. Option #1 was to head back to Atlanta and wait for another flight back to NYC the next morning or option #2 was to get off in Baltimore and find a way up to NYC. I decided to take option #2 and I got Kevin (the guy next to me) to take that option as well. Since we both had friends in DC, we decided to rent a car together and drive down to DC that night and then head to NYC the next morning. We were both shocked by the spontaneity of our decision since we only met each other for nearly 45 minutes before we chose to head down to DC. It was a smooth ride from the airport to DC. I decided to take him to Adams Morgan for a quick bite to eat at the Diner. (I haven't been to the Diner since the Presidential Inaugural Protests with Ms. Peacock & Co. A fact that I didn't really want to share since he was a die-hard Cuban-Republican from Florida.) It was one of my better dinners that I had in DC since (1) we were both starving and (2) marveled at the absurpity of the situation that brought us together. The craziness of this day really made me think...

In an age of electronics, it is really nice sometimes to have everything shut off (of course, not for days or to the degree that happened last Thursday) and simply meet the person next to you. I, as well as many of you, am so consumed by daily grind of the day that I just go through the motions without really connecting with people. However, the cruel irony of today is that with all of this technology that we possess we are able to connect with so many people but, sadly, we don't really connect with them to a greater degree. Sure, I enjoy the convenience of my new cell phone and emailing many of you (obviously) but the problem is that we adopt the men's urinal approach too much. We need to look around every once and awhile (of course not in the men's room) and enjoy the sights and sounds and the people of the day. After what happened to me last Thursday, I firmly believe that we need more days without power where we simply eat hot dogs in the back patio or lobsters in the Cape or barbeque in the backyard or go crabbing in Gulf or get lost in a park near the Bay or go to a ballgame or ride a mechanical bull. OK, you need power for the mechanical bull but you understand what I mean!!!

Anyways, have a great weekend everyone!!! Peace.

-John Nguyen

Houston (August 2003)

2006-01-02T03:07:00.000-05:00

I apologize to my faithful mass email readers since I am going to change the topic of this email from being single at weddings to my eating habits in Houston. I dedicate this mass email to Sonya Thomas from Alexandria, VA
who is the new hot dog eating record holder for women when she swallowed
25 hot dogs in 12 minutes at Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest on the 4th of
July. This past weekend, she beat ALL of the competitors (male and female)
when she competed in the hamburger eating contest. Sonya Thomas is
definitely the Eleanor Roosevelt of the International Federation of
Competitive Eating!!!
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After spending a week in Houston, I now know why they put the "ton" in
Houston because so many people in Houston eat a ton a week. Houston is the#1 place for overeaters. Since I've been in Houston, I've been overeating at an alarming rate. It is severely disgusting!! Each day while I've been in Houston, I've visited either a buffet or a 10 course meal or a restaurant that loves to over-serve. It now makes perfect sense to me why there are food shortages around the world. All of the world's supply of food is in Houston. Even when I haven't been eating in Houston, I've been searching for food!!

This past Sunday, I went crabbing for the first time in my life (cross
another thing off of the 101 things I would like to do before I die list).
We went to a place across from the Lyndon B. Johnson Space Center. The
people who were there caught a bunch of crabs. However, sadly while we
were there, we were unable to catch any crabs. I lost more chicken necks
in the water than actually catching crabs. I lost one chicken neck because
the person who was tying the chicken necks didn't tie it on hard enough.
The second one was lost because I forgot to hold onto the line when I
threw out the chicken neck so everything was thrown out to the waterway.
The final one was thrown into the water when the person who was "helping"
me decided to throw out the line without holding onto it as well!! (I
could have taught him this lesson after losing my seond chicken neck). It
wasn't a fruitful day on the coast of the Gulf of Mexico. The only way
that we got crabs that day was when we went to the Hong Kong grocery store and bought three gigantic crabs.
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Last night, I really felt the weight of my excessive food habits when I
played tennis with my cousin's husband. As I was swinging a backhand, I
felt the load of my gluttony. I wished I never went out to eat crabs last
Thursday night or eat at another buffet again on Friday or try to finish
everything at an engagement party with a 10 course meal on Saturday or try
to eat as many crabs for a birthday party or try to eat so much Mexican
food for another cousin's birthday party or wolf down so many fish spring
rolls last night. Needless to say, I felt like a big fat pig!!!! Like I said in my other emails, I definitely ate all of the pies this week in Houston. Just like the Lord, I rested on the seventh day!!!!!!!

Even though I had to buy new pants because of my tremendous eating habits
in Houston and I nearly nearly died from the horrendous heat of 100+
weather with high humidity, Houston was not a bust of a trip. My trip to Houston was saved when one of my wonderful cousins (I met 12 additional cousins for the first time in my life) took me to a country bar where I had the wonderful opportunity to ride a mechanical bull. The great thing about this bar was the fact that we went so late that no one was there. Brandon, the mechanical bull operator at the bar, decided to reinflate the padding for the bull. It was absolutely amazing that Brandon decided to do this since it was so late at this bar (literally, there was no one else at the bar except for my cousins and their friends). I pleaded with Brandon that he should let me ride the bull. I told my sad story about how I always wanted to ride a mechanical bull and how I would never have this opportunity again since I am from the great state of Connecticut. Brandon seemed happy to fulfill my lifelong dream. He allowed me to ride the bull for 3 times without paying. I was absolutely pitiful riding this mechanical death trap. (I am not good with animals. When I was in the 8th grade, I was thrown off a goat!!!) Despite my horrendous showing, I had a glorious time riding the mechanical seizure. (Cross another thing off my of 101 things I want to complete before I die list.) After I was done riding on the bull, I discovered that I was no longer going to be a crazy swinger that night at the club since my thighs and the area between my legs were on fire (please save your jokes for another time!). My body felt like one of those aspirin commercials where there is a body with red flames in one area of the body but instead of having red flames in the head area, I had pain in the "baby producing" area or as I normally like to call it "the love zone". When I left the bar, I was waddling back and forth like a penguin searching for food in Antarctic a. It was
definitely a painful but fantastic experience!!!

After riding the mechanical bull, I must settle a bet that I had with one
of my wonderful friends in DC. Gwen, you are right! The legs are much more important to the bull rider than the arms. I owe you dinner at "Lite and
Fair" or "Monroe's".

To each and every one of you, may you be able to find your own "mechanical bull" and achieve your dream of riding it to submission. I firmly believe that every one of you are capable of great things!!! Ride on cowboy!!! Ride on cowboy!!!

Peace and love,
John

Friendship Bullpen (August 2003)

2006-01-02T03:00:00.000-05:00

I recently saw a great play in NYC called Avenue Q. This was truly a brilliant play about life after college for single folks (I would assume it could apply to you recently married ones as well). One of the major themes was about relationships. I was inspired by the performance so much that I decided to write a few thoughts about relationships. (NOTE: If you are receiving this, then you haven't been one of those many people who relegated me to the "friendship bullpen".)

Things I Don't Like When You Are Being Relegated To The "Friendship" Bullpen:

1.) I can't stand people who complain to you about not finding someone to go out with while you are standing right there wishing that they would go out with you.

2.) I do not want to meet the person that you picked over me. Nor do I want to meet them accidently at some ballgame or event!

3.) How many times do I have to nod my head in approval when listening to this person before I can go away and wallow in my misery?

4.) If we make plans for a certain night to just "hang", then don't cancel on me because you are going somewhere with your "significant other". Lie to me!!!

5.) How long can I smile for before I start grinding my teeth in disgust pretending to wish them luck on their date?

6.) If ignoring someone for months is your idea of being a "friend", then I would hate to know what being your enemy is like.

7.) Don't try to set me up with one of your inadequate friends, especially if they have the same issues that I have.

8.) Don't do anything really nice that I would perceive as you still being interested while deep down inside you have relegated me to the "friendship bullpen" to warm up for eternity.

9.) Remind yourself that mixed tapes/cds are a bad idea even though it looks really cool in the movie "High Fidelty".

10.) How long can I save their long personal emails before I can put them in the "trash bin" aka the internet afterlife? (Don't save them people! DELETE! DELETE!!)

That is it for now, friends!! Enjoy! Hopefully, I will get the opportunity to see you soon. Peace.

Respectfully yours,
John